Yeah good to hear you know where you feel you need to make improvements for yourself and where you fell short in the MR.
I believe you were making progress as well. And this trip was just perfectly timed for you to get space and perspective. But what you'll notice is that you're still on a yo-yo of emotions. They may not jump around as acutely as after BD, but you're still on the pendulum and it can suddenly swing from one direction to the other.
I know that there were moments when I thought I was invincible and putting DBing into motion, and then a few days later I would crash and then come back up again, and then crash again. The time between those swings started stretching and I was having more better days than bad days. Even now, I will still have a rough few hours, but it's mostly about me still being hard on myself and letting my emotions to surface.
One of the things on Benito's thread helped my perspective a lot was that - no help is coming! Yeh, you can have friends, family and community and IC, but they provide temporary relief and help shoulder some of the weight. But ultimately, it is you in that room at night and you gotta face your demons. Once I understood that, it helped me a lot.
Also, don't stay so tied down to the idea of progress. You'll take two steps forward and one backwards. It's just the nature of healing and there is no consistent moving forward until you reach a threshold. And that takes time and leaning into your pain.
And your threshold marker changes - mine changed from focus on W and the MR and the constant obsessing to why I am having a hard time with some of my goals and what is not working and what is. Right now I am sidelined with two injuries and climbing and working out is completely out of the question for a few months. It was a major blow, but I got up and focused on how I could spend my time on other stuff.
So be kind to yourself. These are going to be hard fought gains, but failure is part of success. You're on the right path. Enjoy your GAL and time with people, and take in the travel.
