Affair, no feelings...is there hope? V

[sandi2]

My family is visiting and I have had long days, no normalcy to my routine or being able to post, which I am so ready to get back to (as much as I enjoy having them here)

I am relieved to hear it. I was very concerned that we were losing you. I was worried that you felt too much pressure and was fading away. I want to teach/show you what I can, but if it becomes too much or pushy......just tell me. As you may can tell, I can get rather.......passionate. (Yeah, that's a good word).

I am fully on board with calling out her disrespect and it has become habitual for me to do so. I have a little more trouble with the consequence part

Well, a lot of the consequences for the more minor acts of disrespect is just you calling her out on it, and then walking away and leaving her alone. Some other things may require you to tell her.......

"You are very unattractive when you try to bully me".

"i don't desire your company when you act this way, so I will be spending the day/night being with people I do enjoy".

I'm not going to ignore her texting, but as I've written before I struggle with not sounding weak by simply calling her out or making a wimpy comment. But I know in this instance, the consequence should have been me walking away and leaving her there.

You're learning.

I need to get better at quickly knowing these types of responses. In general, will the consequence be along the lines of me removing myself and no longer interacting with her? That is becoming my default response to disrespect.

Yes, generally. When you are home together and she does something.......like the "testing game", or whatever, call her out on it and immediately get ready to leave the house. No information, just tell her you are going out......and for her not to be bothering you with texts.

The problem is that she is never going to show me her text messages and it isn't because of an A or having something to hide. She is picky about personal space and privacy and has been since day one. However, the main issue is her attitude about it. If she isn't comfortable with me directly reading her messages, we can find other ways to have transparency that satisfy both of us

What do you have in mind, that will satisfy both of you? And let me just explain something about transparency. The spouse that betrayed the trust, doesn't get to choose the form of transparency. The faithful spouse decides what he will need to feel safe in the MR again. It's not like you have a discussion to see what she'll agree to do. If she is still contacting the same OM, or has a new OM (which I suspect is the case), she is not going to want to disclose her private text messages. Without seeing her text messages, what other means would you have to check? Doesn't she do all her communicating over her phone?

You say she's always been picky about personal space and privacy. Well, I am too. At least to an extent, but I don't keep secrets from my H. There's the difference. Her "privacy" is really all about her secrets. There should be none of that type of stuff in a MR.

When did you explain to her what real transparency would mean? Before or after the theme park day?

Here is your problem, as I see it. The big talk ended without her saying yea or nay......so, nothing was really settled. So, what do you do in the meantime? What if she never offers commitment? Honestly, if she wouldn't commit when you had the big talk, I don't think she'll ever do it.....apart from her actually seeing you walking away from the M. To her, relationships are all about who holds the power. To her, submission is weakness. To cooperate with your terms is seen as giving up her control/power, which leaves her in a weak position. That's why she clings to stubbornness.

I suppose you will know when you've had enough......at least, I hope you will. Just don't rationalize away her bad behavior. Some spouses do it, in order to live with their horrible partner......but what a way to live your life!

I don't think final answer is a good term and understand why you put it in quotes. I understand this is a slow process and she isn't going to have any overnight changes of heart, feelings, behavior, etc.

I think we need to clarify about the "slow process". A wayward can make the decision to "do the right thing" and enter into an agreement/commitment with her H, although her feelings has not changed. This is what I did in my sitch. My loving feelings did not return until after I repented, which took a while.......(seems I had some stubborn issues of my own). Anyway, you are correct that there won't be any overnight changes in her heart/feelings.......not until she repents, anyway. However, if she agreed to do what you needed, she could stop her disrespectful behavior (by her own volition), even if she never felt remorse.

What I wonder about is if you are looking at the two of you being in this slow process........as in her changing from a wayward mindset. B/c she has not agreed to "do the right thing". She's made no commitment, no transparency, no change, no offer to cooperate. She won't even offer proof her EA ended. Therefore, i dare say that your WW is not in any type of change or process. She is still in rebellion. (You referred to her stubborness. Part of it is rebellion to submit or even cooperate under the conduct codes of the MR). Do you understand what I mean? She is not in the process of changing from the wayward status. I just want you to clearly understand that this is not like a reconciliation where she is trying to do the right thing to save the M. The two of you simply continued doing what you were already doing.

Yes, you are making positive changes, but she never agreed to work on the MR........right? Perhaps I am making too much out of what you said.

I'm going to continue with a new post.