It feels like the end of the world. I know DBing says there is possibiltiy after D, but the way WAH acts he cant wait to get as far as possible at the earliest. And after so much at such a critical juncture in life I dont know if he will ever want to R just from guilt if he ever will feel it.
He still says I treated him like $hit and that is the reason he is doing this, I know there are other ways to fix it and the MR has not been so bad, but he is on a completely different frequency unreachable emotionally at this time. I know I need to be strong for my children, to be stable for them but not being able to provide them the basic home set up that most children get is the worst pain ever. I dont know if this is MLC, depression or plain I am done playing house and would like a new life syndrome. Either way I did not want this for me and definitely not for my children.
We did have the finance and custody discussion over the weekend. He agreed to almost everything, his need to get out is stronger than anything else. He wants kids for couple of days, although I do not want to stay away from them at all I understand they need their father.
The discussion for most part was calm and productive, I took 3-4 breaks whenever I got emotional or he lost control so that helped stay on track. For the first time once he said you also have a share in the break down of this MR but then he was again back to saying how its all just my fault. I validated a few times, kept quiet when I did not agree to an accusation, tried not using any language that could show pursuit and was patient. I may have spoken more than I should have, did not completely stick to point a few times but that was more as a mother nothing confrontational. I realize this was the obvious outcome, he was not going to magically change his mind but him agreeing to this means the mediation is going to finalize D.
I have no answers that I desperately seek, why this way, why all of a sudden as soon as we had a baby and what went so wrong that we cannot even attempt to fix it? What can I do about a father who wants children only for some days in a week and is okay not seeing them for the remaining time? What can I do about a WAH who has told our friend he has no love, affection or respect for me anymore.
I want to be a light house, but I dont feel the light from within. I did everything DB suggested, made mistakes initially but tried my best for my children but unfortunately seems like my sitch is a statistic instead of an exception with a happy outcome.
WAH is getting the quick D he needs and other than making it hard for him there is no reason to contest it. He is willing to negotiate in return for a quick D so for the sake of the children I may have to settle. Is this the correct path? Is there any hope? I know one of the rules is to Never Give Up, but I feel all is in vain at this time, I just have no energy left.
