I'm Broken II

[HelenaJ]

Hi Nicole,
Yes, after weighing everything out, it just seems to make the most sense to wait to make any decisions until S17 graduates. With that said, in my heart I do not think anything will change between H and I until and unless I move out....but I am also terrified to do that. He will make my life a living hell and try to intimidate me to no end if I make moves to leave. I'm very scared, not for my safety but for my well being. I make over twice what he makes so I am also very scared at what he would try to do to me financially...I'm literally scared motionless to be honest.
I have seen two IC's, I had to change once when I changed jobs to be more convenient to where I work. Honestly I don't find it very helpful because most people think it takes two to work on a M and they always just look at me like "well, this is no way to live...". Yes, I realize that, thank you. lol.
I feel pretty helpless to be honest. I feel scared, weak and alone and backed into a corner. I have no support network here whatsoever outside of H's family and I know I need to change that. But it's hard. I am depressed on the inside and to act anything other than that takes so much energy. You said it perfectly, this is a silent suffering. I don't even know what to say to explain my situation...I can't say my H has told me he wants a D....I can only say my H no longer wants a R with me. But he wants to stay in the same house for the sake of our children. Makes me seem like a pretty bad partner if my H wants nothing to do with me but makes him sound like a hero for putting his kids first. Great opener to make friends hey? I don't feel like anyone can understand what I'm going through, sometimes I'm not even sure the people here really understand and the ones that seemed to understand have left, saying pretty much what my sister said-until you decide to change it, nothing will change. I get that, but I'm too scared to change anything!!!! No one seems to understand how that feels. There is so much at stake. AND I never wanted a D, but now might be forced to take steps in that direction just to have some semblance of a normal life. My sister will not stay in the same house as H now and wants nothing to do with him, it's not appropriate to continue having conversations with my SIL about this because she is H's family, not mine and my best friend from my hometown is having her own issues with her blended family and hasn't been very talkative. She cannot understand either-she told me in every other area of my life I am smart and strong and independent and she says she can't understand why I let him do this to me. And many of the veterans here have said they can barely even read my situation much less help me. I just don't think I've ever felt more alone in my life. I'm so completely lost at where my responsibility begins and ends.