Stander...thank you for the comments...like I said in a previous post just kind of on a long straight road into the distance with my sitch now it seems...only thing that might change that is if/when W decides to.
Yep, friendly neighbor, only business. The road goes on and on I guess, need to make my peace with it.
Hang in there Ballast. I am on the same path. I think we need to focus on what lays in front of us and not what is behind us.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Well that's the end of me. W has mailed me terms for separation agreement. Guess I'll have to have my L take a look at them and go from there. Any chance of R or even talking about the MR is over and done.
No, a separation agreement is not a divorce. It does not mean any chance of R is over and done - even divorce does not necessarily mean that. Your MR as it was, was already over and done. As Davide says, focus on what lays in front of you. It is still important to strive towards being the best ballast you can be and to be the best dad you can be for your D.
I know how easy it is to slip into a down state of being. I have been struggling with getting out of the funk I am currently in for 3 weeks. It is hard to see how right now, but I believe that things will get better. I know they can for you, too.
Your pain is valid. Your sadness is valid. Do not fight those feelings. Most importantly though, do not give up on yourself. You do not know what the future ultimately holds, but you can prepare yourself to be ready for however it turns out. Find your resolve and hold on to it!
M: 40 W: 37 T: 20 MR: 13 S13, S9, S4 BD: 1/29/18 Sep: 4/23/18 (I moved out) 8/24/18 I come home, she moves out
If you want to get out of the hole, drop the shovel.
One thing I always had to remind myself of was that D is not always the end. That if W and I were to R, it could still be possible after D. That frame of mind helped me out a lot...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
hongaku/mtb I appreciate your comments. Yep definitely know sep is not a D decree and I definitely knew the old MR was done long ago. I was meaning that it would have been nice to have had a chance to hear what/how we got to this point. Pretty sure that will not happen, but who knows.
I think in this instance D will be the end, but perhaps it's a blessing. For a person to take such major decisions in a seemingly rash manner. As a friend said perhaps it's God's way of getting me and D clear of her to save us from what awaits her.
I'll continue to stay detached, focus on my D and my life and get through this.
Reached out to my L this morning who will review the issues W has raised and sometime soon I guess we'll discuss.
Definitely this is NOT what I wanted at all, but can't control this as seems to be for sure what she wants. I don't know what happened. I'm an imperfect man as we all are, but I would have loved her the rest of my life, protected her, provided for her and our D...I THOUGHT I was a good man, everyone I know says I am...but yet...I failed her and so here I am facing my 2nd D and my D losing her family. For what it's worth, my 1st W cheated on me, married the OM and has already D'd from him months ago. Perhaps that was a bad choice on my part more than anything.
With my current W though...I REALLY thought we could make it and I would have done whatever I could with her to address whatever it was that made her unhappy. How women can just bundle it inside of them for years and then just blast it out saying there's no hope to fix it. Why can't they SPEAK to their H when something bothers them right away. I admit or at least I guess I am not great with expressing my feelings, BUT if my W had come to me with ANY issue that bothered her, so long as she was able to convey to me the seriousness of how much it bothered her, I would have done all I can to address it. I didn't mow the grass when she thought I should, I watched football, etc but I never cheated, contributed best I knew and for sure could always have done better again I know I'm far from perfect.
Seems like once we got pregnant with D, W felt like she lost her life/identity. I honestly wonder if we didn't have my D, if we'd still be together. MC has told me there was no way for me to have foreseen the impact that D would have on my W, but to feel like to have my D I had to lose my W/MR...that is unfathomably terrible for me to think about...thing is, I'm facing that EXACT truth.
D will never have a single memorable experience do anything with both her mother and father.
I really don't know that I will ever want to date or try with another women again given the complete devastation of this loss.
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for listening. Honestly what I'm experiencing pales in comparison to many of your stories. My heart breaks for all of the families destroyed that I read about on here. I feel guilty for not replying more to other's posts, but many times honestly what I read is so devastating that I stop reading and/or know that I couldn't provide much insight given my admittedly novice level.
I don't understand why folks give up so quickly these days on what should be one of the most sacred and treasured experiences that we as humans can have.
ballast, I know its tough. We've all been there. I could have typed this exact post in January. These things are complex and there are a lot of little things, ans some big things, that end up getting us to where we get. It is rough to go through. I've often said it is the roughest thing to go through other than severe health problems.
Keep your chin up. I am sure at the end of your first marriage you thought the same types of things. You have no idea what the future has in store for you. But regardless of all of that, your biggest future is being the father that little girl deserves!! There are a lot of things we cannot control in our lives but one thing we can control is ourselves. And as fathers we have an awesome responsibility to be the best dads that we can be.
I'll pray for you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Ballast, the beauty of these forums is they are filled with people that have gone through the EXACT SAME THING as you and have already come out the other side. When I read your posts they almost always remind me of a particular stage I went through as well, it all sounds very familiar and identifiable and I can fully relate. So let me touch on a few of your comments as someone who went through BD and S 6 years ago, and D 4 years ago:
Originally Posted By: ballast
I don't know what happened. I'm an imperfect man as we all are, but I would have loved her the rest of my life, protected her, provided for her and our D...I THOUGHT I was a good man, everyone I know says I am...but yet...I failed her and so here I am facing my 2nd D and my D losing her family.
First, don't blame yourself, blame W. You are the one working on yourself and actively trying to save the M, your W is the one giving up. Regardless of your faults in the M this is 100% on HER for not lifting a finger to try and work on the M.
Second, you are here pouring out your heart, doing everything you can, you ARE a good man. And you can continue to demonstrate that by LEARNING from this, and being the best father possible.
Third, it is completely in your control to make sure that while D may lose her "traditional" nuclear family, she'll still have the world's best dad and that is far more than many kids out there have.
Quote:
I admit or at least I guess I am not great with expressing my feelings, BUT if my W had come to me with ANY issue that bothered her, so long as she was able to convey to me the seriousness of how much it bothered her, I would have done all I can to address it. I didn't mow the grass when she thought I should, I watched football, etc but I never cheated, contributed best I knew and for sure could always have done better again I know I'm far from perfect.
Ditto. But they didn't, and here we are. Our journey is about where we are GOING, not where we've BEEN.
Quote:
I really don't know that I will ever want to date or try with another women again given the complete devastation of this loss.
I thought the exact same thing. Thought my life was over and that I was just counting the days until death. Now I have an amazing, sweet, kind, beautiful girlfriend and a life full of amazing activities and a stronger R with my kids than ever. My GF and I have been dating for 3-1/2 years and our shared activities (and sex) are as exciting and fulfilling as they were when we started dating. Our relationship makes me look back and wonder why I was even married to XW, XW and I had almost no interests in common whereas my GF and I share many interests. I mean this is what healing via time does, I've gone from thinking I couldn't survive without XW to wondering why I was even married to her.
Anyway not trying to turn this into a story about ME, I'm just saying I understand what you are going through, it is normal, and it will pass. And you WILL begin a new chapter in your life, maybe W will be part of it, maybe not. But either way it is going to be GREAT.
