WAW or WW? What should I do to save my MR.

[sandi2]

Do not confuse DB detaching with distancing. In your particular situation, I think perhaps your W felt that you were emotionally disconnected.....or distant. Therefore, don't give the impression that you are cold, sullen, or angry. You can talk with her, conduct yourself in a polite, friendly manner. DB detaching means that you mentally detach from the emotional drama. Some H's become obsessed about the W and how to save their MR.......and it takes over their ability to think wisely. If you are too emotionally attached after the bomb drop, you will display unattractive qualities in a man.

To learn how to validate, read Wonka's thread, the validation cheat sheet. It is located close to the top of first page in Newcomers forum. It gives many great examples.

Sandi's 37 rules are just a general guide to help a newcomer know how to get started. If a rules does not apply to your situation, then discard it.

-- rule #3 says "do not point out good points in marriage ..." In the past, when I talk to her about how we fell in love in the past, she would cry. This made me wonder if doing this will help her to recover feelings for me.

It does not help restore her feelings for you. It places emotional pressure on her, and that will cause her to pull away from you. It's best that you stop doing all your methods of trying to restore her feelings, b/c you are actually doing the things to lose her.

-- rule #8 says " do not buy gifts". But when I did it for our anniversary, she clearly liked the gift. She appreciates that I still cares her so much.

Again, this is in reference of placing emotional pressure on her. Some men wait until the M is in trouble, then try to buy their W's affection by bringing home gifts, flowers, etc.

-- rule #32 says "do not believe anything they say....". Is this only directed to the negative words she says? Does this contradict with rule #25?

Ha.......good question, and I see what you mean. Rule #25 is about listening to her. One way to validate a person is to genuinely hear what they are saying. Many men get in the habit of doing something else while their W is trying to talk. Some H's never look at the W.........which is extremely rude and hurtful. As long as she is speaking respectfully, you need to look at her when she is talking to you (unless you are driving a vehicle). Looking her in the eyes, shows her that what she's saying is important to you. When a W poors out her emotions and her H just brushes it off.......he invalidates her. He is showing her she is not important, and he is not interested in what she has to say. Your W has low self esteem, so when she is having a conversation with you, look in her eyes while she speaks, nod your head, etc.

Rule #32 was not intended to be a contradiction, but I can see how you could interpret it as such. It was actually taken from the book, Divorce Remedy. Some spouses that want to leave the M are not logical, b/c they are being led by their emotions. They will make completely illogical statements and actions. If you take every word to be 100% accurate, you would soon feel as if you were losing your mind. Therefore, don't take to heart the craziness you see and hear from her. But let me add that you don't tell her she is crazy, or lying, or that you don't believe her. Understand? This rule is just for you to bear in mind that she will say & do unpredictable, irrational things.

When she says negative things about herself, it is hurting me to affirm that. But I worry that will hurt her even more.

Why are you affirming the negative things she says about herself? Can you give me an example?

Are you confusing all of this with LL words of affirmation? You might try googling examples of how to give words of affirmation.

Her personality overall is lack of self confidence, and passive. She often times feel regretted or embarrassed by small things.

What was the source of feeling so negative about herself? Who beats her down and makes her feel worthless?

What type of work did she do when she was in the workforce?

Her family doesn't have any history of mental illness. She grow up in a very loving family. She has been an extremely good girl, but now she despise that and thinks she was not a normal girl in the past. She is very stubborn. The only reason she refuses to seek any professional help is that she thinks it's not that bad. There might be others but she doesn't say so.

Would you say she has taken on a spirit of rebellion?

Do you know if she had close friends when she was growing up, or has she always been a loner? If she doesn't want friends coming over, then don't push them on her.

Does she have sisters?