WAW or WW? What should I do to save my MR.

[sandi2]

IC suggests to earn W back by love. IC's point is that W's love tank has been empty, thus I should try my best to fill it. Not sure if this conflicts with the general DB approach here. The 180s and validations are consistent with IC's suggestion, but in order to "fill her love tank", I will inevitably be chasing. I guess it's not the time yet. W doesn't need my love for now, she needs time and space.

If you do not know her love language, then chances are you have not shown her love in a way she "felt" it. Make sense? Your love language may be not be her LL. One way to have an idea of what it may be (without asking her) is to think back on how she would demonstrate her love for you. Would it be acts of service, physical affection, words of affirmation, or little gifts to show you she was thinking of you?

I agree that her love tank is empty. If she has felt resentment for a long time, then you must be patient in expecting her feelings to change.

I want to pass along something I feel is extremely important for you. Almost everything you do, is seen by her as pressure. Showing your emotions, talking about the relationship, asking her questions about her feelings for you, and involving her parents........place tremendous emotional pressure on her.

If your young W does not work outside of the home, and she does not have friends nearby, and you were not meeting her emotional needs.......then she is very depressed and lonely. She sees her life changed since having the child. She may even resent him. Not b/c she doesn't love him, but b/c everything seem to change after he was born. It is not uncommon for a woman to feel this way, under these circumstances. It also makes her feel very guilty. She can begin to question herself if she is a "good" mother.

Every woman needs female friends. Even having just one friend to talk to will help with the loneliness. I'm not suggesting you try to pick out her friends. However, the two of you should have socialized with other couples and made friends. If you are still living together, maybe you could start socializing more? Don't pressure.

You see the conversation was quite representitive of what she has been saying since the BD. She somehow believes she can no longer serve as a good mother, and is no longer suitable for family life. She wants to be single (or alone). She accuses me of being a bad father, but she accuses herself too. She clearly realize what she is doing is not good, and our R is out of norm. But she refuses or is unable to make change. Is this typical for WAW?

It is typical of a depressed mother who has not had the emotional support she needed.

On the LL

We've both read the book at the beginning of the BD. At that time, W was less resistant to work together. After reading the book, I asked her what her main LL is. She doesn't want to reveal that to me. In on fallout, she mentioned that her main LL is "Words of Affirmation". She is not very self-confident, and when facing complements, she would reject it. This is rather typical in east Asian culture. Since then, I paid special attention to always compliment her when there is a chance. But it's probably too oblivious to her what I am doing. She also said that her "love tank" is not only empty but has gone. So there is nowhere to fill... That really made me desperate.

Everyone has a love tank. Her tank has been empty for a long time, and she probably feels you are not the man who can make her feel loved any longer. That does not make it true, but it might just be her feelings at this time. Don't ever argue with how she feels. Only your W knows how she feels. It is very arrogant for a man to tell his W how she feels.

It is not uncommon for women to reject compliments. Some women think it would be seen as arrogant to simply say "thank you". They think that arguing with the compliment shows a sign of humility.

I hope you will not see "words of affirmation" simply giving her a compliment about her physical appearance. It does not have to sound like an obvious compliment, either. I would suggest you find positive things to say about the way she keeps the home attractive, warm & welcoming. Tell her how you appreciate how she keeps your clothes clean and pressed. When eating a meal she has prepared, show how well you enjoy a particular dish by asking her to make more of soon, and telling her how well she prepares it. Try to find all the positive things about her. You can tell her how proud you feel when people see you together. How proud you are for them to know she is your W. You can compliment her about her looks......but try to stay away from sexy comments for now.

Never compare her to not doing something as well as other women......especially your mother or her mother.

On the validation

If that particular case, if I validate her feelings, then I am doing the opposite of "Words of Affirmation", no? In my past experience with her, she will often times say something very negative about herself, in the hope (implicitly or subconsciously) that I will say something opposite.

That's okay. It just shows how much she needs to hear that she is good at something, or better than the norm. A wife wants her H to see her as being beautiful, special, smart, talented, etc. More than just a sex object. So, if she says something negative about herself, will it hurt you or disgust you if you give her affirmation?

Giving her validation does not mean you agree with her. If she is criticizing herself, you can say something like, "I'm so sorry you feel that way". Mainly show you are hearing what she says. Don't argue with her. Just listen.

And I am not sure the perfect approach here, with her type of personality

How would you describe her personality?

(1) should I text her and let her know that S is doing great and hope she is enjoying her "single life"? This will make her more comfortable and show that I am supportive. On the other hand, I was hoping us being away will maybe remind her of the family time, so I should not initiate contact.

No, it sounds passive-aggressive.

If she contacts you, don't be cold and give her the silent treatment. And, don't make it sound as if son doesn't miss his mother. I think that would be a big mistake, if she felt her son did not miss/need her. I don't mean you should make her feel guilty, but don't go the opposite direction, either.

(2) Is it common that a WAW will show coldness and distance not only to the H but also to the child (and her parents)? I can understand the parents part, because her parents are very against her mindset and she sensed tremendous pressure. However I can never understand how she can manage to leave our S behind.

Her feelings are common for an unhappy, lonely and depressed young mother.

Do you know if there is any family history of depression or other mental health issues? Do you know why she refuses to see a doctor....other than she doesn't think she's depressed? How long since her last checkup?