Its hard to see our children struggle . When H and I were having major problems many years ago, we were in mediation discussing custody and the mediator looked at him and said you do understand that shes divorcing YOU. Not her children. Right?Thats always stuck with me and I wonder if maybe it might be helpful to say something like that to your son? I also wonder if maybe he feels obligated to be angry with her bc of the religious opposition to divorce? Neither of those are his battles to fight. His mother clearly wants a relationship with him and maybe he needs to give himself permission to continue to love her, spend time with her and grow their relationship despite his opinion that divorce is wrong. Just a few of my thoughts. I hope he finds some peace soon for his own sake.
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
Also, I didnt mean that to sound harsh-what the mediator said to my H was harsh bc of our circumstances....I say it to you with the utmost compassion and intention to help with perspective ....none of this is your choice and I get that.
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
Helena thank you for our input. I do believe in a relationship between S and W. And I will support it if it happens. After speaking with several people I feel that I will just get out of the way an let take its due course.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
I can tell that you believe in a relationship between the two of them, I can see that from what you post. My suggestions were geared toward helping S cope with some of the feelings he has and just making sure he knows that you dont expect him to take your side. Thats what I would worry about if it were me...that my kid feels the need to protect me or side with me or be angry on behalf of me. If you feel confident that hes carrying the burden of only his feelings then thats good and thats what I was getting at. Just keep being a good dad, thats the best thing for all of you right now.
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
Very difficult to see the ones you loved most struggle. Especially when I tend to be in fix it mode all the time. I just hope for his sake that this difficult situation does not carry long term negative repercussions that will affect him.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
More than likely his relationship with his mother will always be strained.
I dated a girl when I was in my early 20's. She came from a broken home, a very messy D between her parents. Her mom cheated on her dad. The kids, including her, had to say in court who they wanted to live with. She choose her dad due to being extremely upset with her mom. Her dad was very bitter, and didn't handle things well after the D. So living with him was terrible. So she went to her mom and asked if she coould live with her. Her mom had married OM and her siblings (I believe it was 2 others) and OM's kids all lived with them. Her mom told her "You made your decision and have to live with it." Her emotional scars ran very deep even years later when her and I dated (she was 18 at the time).
My point is LW, that you are being that stability for him so he is in a much better place. And though his relationship with his mom likely will never be the same, you've set him up for great things in the future by being his rock! You are an example for all the other LBSs who are also parents. Well done my friend!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Exciting . Building our house was an exciting time for H and I, lots of good memories. One downside is that everything feels so good on the surface it can be tempting to not want to disturb the peaceful status quo and we stop working on the hard stuff. Enjoy this special time in your life
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
Steve, Helena- Thank you sometimes we need to hear that we are doing well as a parent because often times when we are dealt a crappy hand like this one we often question ourselves. Thank you for the kind words and encouragement.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Posting here with your phone can be crazy! That post about building the house was supposed to be on Steves thread and I have no idea how it ended up here, sorry LW!
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
All you can control is how you respond. Be the example for your S.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
. When H and I were having major problems many years ago, we were in mediation discussing custody and the mediator looked at him and said you do understand that shes divorcing YOU. Not her children. Right?Thats always stuck with me and I wonder if maybe it might be helpful to say something like that to your son? I also wonder if maybe he feels obligated to be angry with her bc of the religious opposition to divorce? Neither of those are his battles to fight. His mother clearly wants a relationship with him and maybe he needs to give himself permission to continue to love her, spend time with her and grow their relationship despite his opinion that divorce is wrong. Just a few of my thoughts. I hope he finds some peace soon for his own sake.
. Building our house was an exciting time for H and I, lots of good memories. One downside is that everything feels so good on the surface it can be tempting to not want to disturb the peaceful status quo and we stop working on the hard stuff. Enjoy this special time in your life