Yet Another LBS w/ WAW

[hongaku]

Thank you, 40free, and my apologies on the late reply. I have been paying so much attention to other threads that I ignored my own!

Going back through my own personal journal entries, it seems I was in a better and more positive place emotionally about 3 weeks ago, in spite of nothing good really happening, I still had a spark of optimism. I started nosediving when the most promising job prospect I have had since I started looking fell through. I had put too much positive expectation into it and the let down was bad. Followed by continued failure to keep things positive with my W, the battery on my van dying unexpectedly, missing the holiday to England, my knee blowing out just after taking up running and starting to enjoy it, W getting a new lease from landlord with only her name on it, her not keeping me informed about important issues with S9, and my cousin and his W starting to become a little uneasy about my continued presence in their home (leaving me nowhere to go, literally, if they ask me to move out). I feel like everything is spiraling out of control from the mundane to the big stuff - I am losing at every turn. I am trying to find those small wins, but they are being reduced to things like got out of bed before noon today (instead of laying there for hours too depressed to move), had something to eat, applied for more jobs today, etc.

I have not felt suicidal, but I have repeatedly felt the wish to be dead.

I saw a movie with my S13 and S9 today (little one was sick and had to stay home w/W this weekend), and there was a line of dialogue that struck me and I am trying to internalize the wisdom of it - if you want to get out of the hole, drop the shovel. This seemed very profound to me and applicable to so many of our sitches here on this forum.

So, I am going to try very hard to drop the shovel. I hope that the good comes round that corner soon, because I sure need some balance for the bad!