One thing on this item. Don't be afraid that your W will go ballistic when she hears about this. Well, she probably will. You simply tell her "I had to budget in the childcare expenses and had to leave something out. I decided it would be the money I give you. Sorry, I am putting you in that position." That's it. No accusations that she left you, that she abandoned her family etc. Just be calm, say what you have and cut off the conversation (it is easier over email as she suggested ).
I think asking her to work on a budget with me could actually be good, though there is potential for much conflict. Maybe even just ask her to give me a budget proposal, or I'll have to just close our joint accounts and it will be up to her to figure out how to pay all her bills. I don't want her missing payments and that affecting me. We started budgeting a year ago, at her initiation, but it turned out badly because she didn't really follow it, and I think she thought I was still controlling all the budget allocations and not giving her any spending money. We were living off student loans at the time, so I didn't want to allocate the loan money to anything other than absolute necessities. She wanted to use the loan money to continue the lifestyle she wanted. It was a big strain on our marriage, which might have been a way for us to grow closer if we had better skills and compassion for each other at the time.
Here are some options I have. I guess I need to do some pro/cons, but I'm just going to write the options now and then get on with the rest of my day. I need to mow the lawn.
1) close the joint accounts, put all the money into my new private account, give W nothing going forward
2) close joint accounts, give W a check for half, give her nothing going forward
3) close joint accounts, give W cash for half the balance of our net cash and credit card debt, and give her half of what's left each month after I pay all the bills
With all these, I would still keep my commitment to pay W's medical bills. If we are getting D'd then all of this stuff really is somewhat irrelevant, which I think is what W is thinking too, since everything is going to get split up during D. At least this might get her moving on the D work and cut my financial responsibility a bit sooner. That feels like a short term gain, but oh well.
I also don't know the current balance of W's credit card or private checking account, but i think it's not that much. Should I make that a condition of what I do with the joint accounts?
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
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