it all hit me tonight...so depressed!!!

[sandi2]

First, let me say how relieved I am that you have decided to let go. Letting go doesn't mean giving up.....unless you want to give up. Letting go means you stop trying to control her or persuade her. You stop worrying what she thinks about your actions. You just let go of it, and focus on self healing, rather than relationship healing.

Last night i fell asleep on the living toom couch and havent been in the bed with her since i told her to leave. My question is if shs refuses to leave and i sleep on couch does she just gain more control and power from that? Two ways of looking at it, i refuse to sleep in same bed as her, so that shows strength and detachment. But her refusing to leave and forcing me to leave shows weakness and gives her control? Any help appreciated

Okay, let me try to address this issue of the MBR. I'll copy and paste a section from my threads to the LBH who has a WW.

Immediately separate the sleeping arrangements, by putting her things out of the master bedroom. No discussions, he just takes her things out of the marital bedroom. Let her figure out where she will sleep. The H's message is he won't sleep with a cheater. The H is not to take the lesser desired room or bed. No moving down to a basement, out in the garage, on the couch, etc. He is not the unfaithful spouse. He should not act as if he is the guilty party, sneaking around to sleep on the couch and keeping it a secret from the kids. It is her problem, let her deal with it.

This was taken from a list of suggestions of things to do to show loss to the wayward, due to her decision to betray the M. I was seeing stories on the board about H's who were sleeping completely separated from his family. Some were sleeping on the floor, in the basement, on the couch, in tiny kid's beds, etc. These men thought that was what they were suppose to do as the man......b/c the woman was softer? IDK, but they never even questioned why they were taking the lesser desired place to sleep, while the unfaithful W (with her sense of entitlement)remained in the MBR. Some of the men were sneaking around to find a place to sleep....without their kids seeing them. That picture just seems very wrong, IMHO. Some H's are treated worse than a dog. He needs to either stand up and stop being treated as if he was the one who betrayed the M, or get out of it. That's JMHO. I am for the H being in charge as the leader and setting the right example for his family. However, if he has passively allowed his W to rule the family/marriage, then he is going to be in for the battle of his life. Many WW's are not going to quietly leave their MBR.

I feel strongly about what the marital bedroom represents in the home. I still think the H should tell his WW that he doesn't want her sleeping with him in the MBR, and if he feels he can set her belongings out of the MBR, without causing WWIII.....then, he should. However, let me make this perfectly clear. If the WW has a tendency to get violent in any manner......then I suggest that the H does not pursue it. The last thing he needs is domestic violence in the home. I don't want to sound as if I am suggesting that the H do anything that hints of DV. I believe in most cases that he has to be assertive, but if he doesn't think he can stand his own ground with her (and without DV), then he doesn't need to attempt having her removed from the MBR. I think it's worse to try to have her removed.....only to succumb to her bullying. He needs to use common sense. I mean, some WW's go crazy!

Since writing that particular thread, I have seen some stories where the H would get hyper-focused on the MBR issue, but would ignore other equally important issues. The whole purpose gets lost, when he can't stay objective. In some cases, it just became a battle of the wills to see which spouse remained in the MBR.....and sometimes it caused bad outcomes. I still feel the faithful spouse should have the MBR, but not at the point of getting into a domestic violence situation. If she's going to get physically violent, or call the cops and get you arrested b/c you are trying to force her out of the MBR (which actually happened in one case)......I think that's carrying things too far. It caused a lot of problems for that man....and in the end, he still didn't get the MBR! The whole purpose behind separating her from the MBR, was lost in that situation. My point is to always use your head about these type of things suggested on the board. Understand the purpose behind your action.

Here's the thing. You know your W, better than anyone else. If you know she's going to fight you to the death and things may turn badly......then, I think you have to decide if it is worth it. You shouldn't do it just b/c I or someone else feels it is right. You have to do what you believe strongly about.....and you have to stay balanced about these things. That's why I am always saying to know what your values and core beliefs are....b/c they should be the foundation of your decisions.

Choose the hill you want to die on, and if it's the MBR....then you probably know what you will be facing and what you'll have to do. (Maybe it won't be a hill you have to die on, IDK). You have to decide if it's worth it or not. If there are other hills you feel are more important to die on, then that should be your decision to make. Stay objective about your situation.

Does any of this make sense, or do I sound as if I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth?