M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
Earlier today i stated that i have let her go....and I have! I really fell flat on my face this past week, totally consumed by the thought of her with om. Pain like ive nevee experienced, and that i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy! But what really hit me was the look of her in our last interaction the other morning, almost possesed. Face and especially the eyes.
Somehow it hit me that i need to let her go and eventually fall. Im better off building up my own spirit and that of my kids. Im sure ill make a blunder here or there but i dont think i will veer too much because i see the big picture, especially when i get beyond my ego!
fmly- You hit the nail on the head often times in life we let our pride and ego hold us back from learning and growth. This choice that your W has made will be her journey to do alone. Best to focus on yourself. Good Luck!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
One question i had was about my wife not willing to leave the m bed. I told her i dont want her in there anymore and that she shouldmove out or take the spare bedroom. She refused and said why should i, and i said because you are the one having an affair.(this was two days ago, the last time i spokd with her. Now ive completely detached)
Last night i fell asleep on the living toom couch and havent been in the bed with her since i told her to leave. My question is if shs refuses to leave and i sleep on couch does she just gain more control and power from that? Two ways of looking at it, i refuse to sleep in same bed as her, so that shows strength and detachment. But her refusing to leave and forcing me to leave shows weakness and gives her control? Any help appreciated!
First, let me say how relieved I am that you have decided to let go. Letting go doesn't mean giving up.....unless you want to give up. Letting go means you stop trying to control her or persuade her. You stop worrying what she thinks about your actions. You just let go of it, and focus on self healing, rather than relationship healing.
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Last night i fell asleep on the living toom couch and havent been in the bed with her since i told her to leave. My question is if shs refuses to leave and i sleep on couch does she just gain more control and power from that? Two ways of looking at it, i refuse to sleep in same bed as her, so that shows strength and detachment. But her refusing to leave and forcing me to leave shows weakness and gives her control? Any help appreciated
Okay, let me try to address this issue of the MBR. I'll copy and paste a section from my threads to the LBH who has a WW.
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Immediately separate the sleeping arrangements, by putting her things out of the master bedroom. No discussions, he just takes her things out of the marital bedroom. Let her figure out where she will sleep. The H's message is he won't sleep with a cheater. The H is not to take the lesser desired room or bed. No moving down to a basement, out in the garage, on the couch, etc. He is not the unfaithful spouse. He should not act as if he is the guilty party, sneaking around to sleep on the couch and keeping it a secret from the kids. It is her problem, let her deal with it.
This was taken from a list of suggestions of things to do to show loss to the wayward, due to her decision to betray the M. I was seeing stories on the board about H's who were sleeping completely separated from his family. Some were sleeping on the floor, in the basement, on the couch, in tiny kid's beds, etc. These men thought that was what they were suppose to do as the man......b/c the woman was softer? IDK, but they never even questioned why they were taking the lesser desired place to sleep, while the unfaithful W (with her sense of entitlement)remained in the MBR. Some of the men were sneaking around to find a place to sleep....without their kids seeing them. That picture just seems very wrong, IMHO. Some H's are treated worse than a dog. He needs to either stand up and stop being treated as if he was the one who betrayed the M, or get out of it. That's JMHO. I am for the H being in charge as the leader and setting the right example for his family. However, if he has passively allowed his W to rule the family/marriage, then he is going to be in for the battle of his life. Many WW's are not going to quietly leave their MBR.
I feel strongly about what the marital bedroom represents in the home. I still think the H should tell his WW that he doesn't want her sleeping with him in the MBR, and if he feels he can set her belongings out of the MBR, without causing WWIII.....then, he should. However, let me make this perfectly clear. If the WW has a tendency to get violent in any manner......then I suggest that the H does not pursue it. The last thing he needs is domestic violence in the home. I don't want to sound as if I am suggesting that the H do anything that hints of DV. I believe in most cases that he has to be assertive, but if he doesn't think he can stand his own ground with her (and without DV), then he doesn't need to attempt having her removed from the MBR. I think it's worse to try to have her removed.....only to succumb to her bullying. He needs to use common sense. I mean, some WW's go crazy!
Since writing that particular thread, I have seen some stories where the H would get hyper-focused on the MBR issue, but would ignore other equally important issues. The whole purpose gets lost, when he can't stay objective. In some cases, it just became a battle of the wills to see which spouse remained in the MBR.....and sometimes it caused bad outcomes. I still feel the faithful spouse should have the MBR, but not at the point of getting into a domestic violence situation. If she's going to get physically violent, or call the cops and get you arrested b/c you are trying to force her out of the MBR (which actually happened in one case)......I think that's carrying things too far. It caused a lot of problems for that man....and in the end, he still didn't get the MBR! The whole purpose behind separating her from the MBR, was lost in that situation. My point is to always use your head about these type of things suggested on the board. Understand the purpose behind your action.
Here's the thing. You know your W, better than anyone else. If you know she's going to fight you to the death and things may turn badly......then, I think you have to decide if it is worth it. You shouldn't do it just b/c I or someone else feels it is right. You have to do what you believe strongly about.....and you have to stay balanced about these things. That's why I am always saying to know what your values and core beliefs are....b/c they should be the foundation of your decisions.
Choose the hill you want to die on, and if it's the MBR....then you probably know what you will be facing and what you'll have to do. (Maybe it won't be a hill you have to die on, IDK). You have to decide if it's worth it or not. If there are other hills you feel are more important to die on, then that should be your decision to make. Stay objective about your situation.
Does any of this make sense, or do I sound as if I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It makes complete sense. Thank you. Im probably inclined to not make that the hill because of the way she reacted on Friday. She basically threatened to have me removed after a discussion escalted about the mbr. That really put me on notice, bug also helped me let her go!
Ive learned that my wife is actively looking for a place to move and may have found one. This is contrary to what we had agreed to previously. After bd, she said that she wanted a divorce and we agrees to work on our communication so that there wouldnt be animosity and we could coparent together. Bunch of hogwash. This is before i found out about the om shes been seeing for the last year m half.
As you may recall we were getting along pretty well for a couple of months and then i noticed a change in her mood. Eventually i found an application with a cover letter to rent a house. At the time i confronted her and she said that she was just looking and wasnt planning to move. Yeah right!!!!
Since then there has been a lot of turmoil and i 100 pct believe my wife is in the throes of a severe mlc. I recently met with an atty and i was told that my youngest son, age 14, is key to a custody arrangement. Basically my kids, d18, s17, s14 have the right to choose who they want to live with. My feeling is that my wife needs urgent help and is unstable to take care of them right now. Ive been doing everything for the last few years. (Part of the problem) While shes been out drinking, crashing her car off the side of the road, not spending anytime with her kids etc.
What im concerned about with her getting ready to move is how she explains this to her parents. She will not move without telling them first. I know that she is going to trash me in that discussion, prob say im acting crazy thinking shes in an affair,,etc. Even though i know she is and have proof. Im thinking i should have a conversation with them first to tell them the truth and maybe they can have better luch getting thru to her. Even though my wife adores and respects her father, im afraid she might buck even more and walk away from everyone.
The other dillema...is it time to have the discussion with the kids? My therapist said that i should tell them the truth but in a respectful way without bashing their mother. And i never would bash her to them. I hope someday she will come out of this. Im just really worried what she will do when everything really hits the fan.
