Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 2

[Davide]

It has been a crazy couple of days and nights as I have traversed the upper mid-west, spent a night camping in Glacier National Park and am finally in western Washington. Lots of driving, 26 hours or so over the past 3 days. Unfortunately, my physical state is deteriorating. I had to leave the park yesterday as a chronic leg injury flared up and my other leg is hurting as well. Maybe the driving is having an affect on that as well. The lack of exercise isnt great for me.

Moreover, my mind has been consumed by Benito's posts. They make me question myself so much. Am I just in denial and distracting myself? That seems to be the heart of the issue.

Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate - Abandon all hope, ye who enter here - Dante, The Inferno.

You need to convince yourself she has died. She is no longer an option.

I have struggled to do just that in relation to a possible R. What is the process by which one reaches that point? I am not afraid of the pain, I spent a good month in agony post BD, I know that I can handle it, I have faith in my strength. Every time a thought pops up in my head about getting back together, should I just be reality checking it and shooting it down "Davide, W doesnt love you, doesnt want to be with you." I dont feel like I am repressing my emotions or running away from them. I have tried picturing what it will be like when I return home and my W has move all of her things out of the house - the huge gaping hole that will be there. Right now, even doing those things doesnt normally provoke a huge emotional response. I almost wish that I did have a huge emotional response - there is a catharsis there. I am sure when I get home to an empty house I will have some sort of emotional response, but I dont understand how I can work through that now, ahead of time.

In any case, does Benito or anyone else have any advice how to drop the rope emotionally, not just intellectually?

Secondly, I read an implication that all the things that I am doing to GAL, to work on myself, etc... are distractions from dealing with the reality of my situation.

I honestly believe that in theory you believe you are doing this, and thats fine, but in reality I personally dont think you are there yet.

Personally, I think you need to stop doing things to distract you from thinking about her. The reason I say this is because ignoring things do not address the problem. It is waiting for you when you return.

This is a pretty brutal criticism of everything I have tried to do to improve myself over the past 2 months. I thought that the point of GALing was to build up your own life completely independent of the W and MR. More and more often I have been getting to the point of enjoying myself with friends and forgetting about the sitch, not having that low-grade anxiety in the back of my head at all times like it was before. I thought that was a positive step.

I have worked to be mindful, to live in the moment, to practice and experience gratitude for the opportunities that I have and the experiences I am living. I was walking through some of the most beautiful valleys in the world yesterday, I consider it success to enjoy that and enjoy my time there. I thought that was a positive step.

My self-esteem IS higher than it was before. I wasnt coming from a good place, but I am improving. I am practicing self compassion during my moments of weakness or self criticism. I am mentally reframing situations in positive ways, looking for opportunity rather than blame. I am becoming more aware of my cognitive distortions (mind reading in particular) and calling myself out for them. I agree that I am not completely detached emotionally (I have admitted that repeatedly) and that is why I react emotionally to my Ws messages. But isnt progress progress?

I completely understand the criticism that I need to drop the rope and give up any hope or emotional attachment, but I struggle to understand why not being there yet should negate the real progress I feel that I am making. It is also hard to hear that what I think of as progress being characterized as distraction from doing the real work. Shouldnt I be doing both? It also seems to me that maybe I am doing things in the order that I need to be doing them. Emotional detachment takes a long time, maybe these other things are intermediary steps on my long journey.