I'm Broken II

[HelenaJ]

Hi Arsh, thanks for responding. Yes my situation is more of a stalemate I suppose....it's definitely still stressful, just not dramatic in terms of posting play by plays here and needing advice bc the truth is, H and I don't really interact. That is mostly my choice as he wants to pretend and play house but I do not. Based on some of the posts I received when H and I were interacting, it seemed that maybe most people thought my situation was dangerous to kids and I emotionally and that my M was not healthy enough to stay in. But I am still here in the M and I still need support as I go through it ya know?
I've been going through this for a long time and it always ends the same, whether it's with a counselor or my sister or here-people tell me that this is no way to live and that's as far as it goes. I know this, I know it's know way to live, believe me. It's horrible. But clearly there are things I need to change about myself that will allow me to see what everyone else sees.
Anyway, this is something I need to do on my own regardless. I guess if anyone wants to help or be a friend they either will or won't.

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I know that one of my biggest problems has been with setting boundaries in my R with H. He's very set on who he is and what he does and does not waver. So, if I want to be with him, I either accept or I don't. I was very young when I met him and didn't really know who I was anyway, so I became very fluid and "grew up" with his definitions and opinions simply because they were stronger than mine and I didn't (usually) mind. H has a lot of characteristics of personality disorder but I don't talk much about it because people automatically think you're labeling or blame shifting or just reaching for straws (someone once said that nearly everyone here labels their partner with some sort of personality disorder). But at the end of the day, it's my life and I know what I live with. I also understand that H can be an emotional abuser and an emotional manipulator. I just can't bring myself to label as one thing or another-I had the same difficulty with his drinking....I couldn't label him as an alcoholic because what does that mean exactly? He was drinking every other day, weird rituals/drinking days, passing out, refused to stop even though he knew he might lose me over it....I was googling al-anon and ways to cope and still could not label him an alcoholic.

So back to the boundaries. H drank heavily. To be fair, he never tried to tell me he would stop or cut back. I knew the problem. And I knew it before I married him. I desperately debated on whether marrying him was the right thing....did I want to live like that for the rest of my life?? I didn't really confide in anyone...someone not knowing about my situation once told me from her experience "alcoholism is a very secretive life". I thought in my head, yes it is. Needless to say, I married him. After we had kids he changed. He still drank heavily, but not so often to the point of passing out-he definitely restructured. And the ritualistic nature relaxed considerably....it used to be he wouldn't go anywhere on "drinking nights" but when you have kids and they are involved in things, it can't really be like that if you want to be an involved parent, which he did. He chose a more relaxed path where he could both drink and be an involved parent. But my dilemma was: do I marry an alcoholic or not? He's making no promises to stop, in fact the opposite. He tells me this is him, take it or leave it. Inside I knew I didn't want it...but I wanted HIM. So I married him and have tons of resentment mostly because I saw that he did change for something he cared enough to change for-our kids. But not for me.
Pornography...once again, he's never said he would stop or cut back. This is him, all guys do it, take it or leave it. I've googled relentlessly and sought external validation on whether it is "right" or "wrong". My inside and my heart says it is WRONG at least in the manner in which it occurs in my situation. But I have betrayed my own feelings by tolerating it because what is the alternative? To end the M?
I feel bullied into accepting things that don't feel right to me and that hurt me but the fact of the matter is, I've accepted it. I've created this life. Resentment has taken over my entire heart at times, clouded my judgment at times and has turned me into a person I don't want to be at times.
In this current situation, I have been given the guidelines by H for this new R. They are not acceptable to me. I have told him that and told him I would not live like that. And yet here I am. Living like that.
I somehow have to give up this vision of the perfect me, the perfect family and accept that it's broken. Very, very broken. And I have to find strength, like the super human kind, because to make my life right and live true to myself, my kids' will be turned upside down at least in the short term. What good mother who prefers to put her children ahead of herself does that? I have always been "laid back" and "easy going". I like that about myself. I don't create drama and try to tone it down when it appears. I don't know how to CREATE a situation where I turn everyone's lives upside down knowing that it is going to start drama, unhappiness and perhaps lifelong scars. I've always just dealt with things, obviously not in the best ways, and I've learned that sometimes indecision creates decisions...ones that are not always for the best. I do not choose to live in a house with my H and co-parent when there is no M. I do not want this. I've tried to create my boundaries the best I can without actually leaving, given that I do not want a D. 1) implemented no R talk where the intent is just to beat me up...no R talk unless he's serious about changing the way things are between us 2) gave him my rings back. He has told me we are no longer a couple and to me, this was the most obvious way to acknowledge that and 3) I do not interact with him, pursue him, talk to him, rely on him, ask his opinion, cook for him, buy him things, support him or anything else that a partner would do.
Some days I really really struggle because a voice in my head tells me that these "boundaries" simply give him what he wanted! I've simply accepted his terms.
The other voice in my head tells me not to think in black and white terms. The only options are not to "live with it" or to go. There must be an in-between, one where he feels the full consequences of his choices and perhaps he will change his mind. I just have to keep listening to this voice. I am not "living with it". I am accepting his terms full on in the short term, hoping he will change his mind and miss what we had....and in the long term, if he does not change his mind, I guess I will have to make the decision to go or else truly accept living with it. I am definitely the frog in the pot and the heat just keeps increasing.