My little daughters 2 - securing their future

[Cadet]

I am not a vet but I have experience of this.

V

Disagree you have been here 4 years, you are a vet!!!

[neffer]

Action and strength Arsh.

Hoping the best for you and your children

[EricC]

I am going to honestly speak with H before mediation about finances and custody. I will not initiate it but since I know it will come up, I am being prepared for it.

Exactly! He can talk about how terrible you are etc because he wants D. Do not retort, just talk about what you want, which is to secure yourself and your kids - finances custody etc.

- I am planning to let him know that I have let go.

Don't tell him, show him. Show him by GAL, detaching, focusing on your goals. Ignore his goals completely. Let him take care of them.

Negotiate for more custody...

Make sure to discuss this with your L, and have a strategy prepared. You do not want to use custody as an instrument to get back at him, but you still want to fight for what you think is best for the kids.

I plan to let him know I have met with a L and I know my rights

Again, show him, don't tell him. He considers most of what you say an act of hostility or manipulation, anyway. The less you say the better.

...I will comply with a mediation enabled quick D if he gives me favorable custody time

... and everything else you think you need.

If he refuses I just say since we cannot seem to agree

Show, do not say. If he refuses he will not have quick D. If you say it, he will think you are doing what you are doing to make him miserable. If he refuses you can instead say that you are very sorry you could not reach an agreement.

I want both of us to be happy and stable since the kids are small and depend on us. So if D is going to make you happy then you can have it and I respect your decision to be free.

Show, don't tell. He likely believes that you want him to be miserable.

I will thank him for the kids and for the 15 years and say I choose to remember him by that and not by the last 6 months.

Why are you telling him that? At best this is pursuing. At worst you are telling him that he is welcome to come back at any time under any condition... I do not understand this.

- I will be as much NC as possible even while he is at home rather than being like a friendly neighbor.

- at any time if the convo gets heated, I will just take a time out saying this is not going in a positive direction and we will need to take a break.

Agree with both. Except, don't say it is not going in a positive direction. Just assert yourself by saying YOU are not willing to participate in conversations YOU do not deem civil and productive.

If we cannot come to a consensus, then I will politely say that this does not seem to be reaching a mutual agreement and I will walk away saying it is now up to him however he wishes to proceed.

You do not want to say that. That will be interpreted as pursuing big time - you are obstinately refusing to reach an agreement, and then are gloating about it and taunting him to make another move. Remember, he sees hostility in everything you do.

Instead if you fail to reach a consensus, you "will be as much NC as possible" and let him figure out that you won't be walked over, and he needs to do something to reach an agreement.

If he gets mad that you failed to reach a consensus and accuses you, you say that you are sorry that you did not reach a consensus and he is not making consensus more likely by being abusive because YOU are not willing to tolerate that.

There are going to be a lot of temper tantrums, complains about how I ruined his life and how I am the reason for all this, I will be calm and respond with 'sorry you feel that way', ' I can see how it must feel like that for you', 'it is unfortunate that this is how things are'

That is fine, or you can completely ignore these. Be like the presidential candidates on TV debates. If candidate X accuses candidate Y that he is soft on crime, Y does not come back by saying he is hard on crime. He comes back by saying he is great for the economy. So, when you H says you ruined his life, simply talk about arranging custody.

He fears people will think he is abandoning his family so he wants the mediation agreement done before he leaves home so he will be able to say this was an amicably reached settlement due to incompatibility.

Good for you. You may have easier time getting what you want. If you get what you want, let him have that if he is so dead on leaving. Your children will ask about this when they grow older. Let them know you both agreed that it is the best for everyone if you split. You do not want them to have a father that abandoned their kids, right?

When I consulted a L, I was in utter shock, and I do not remember almost anything. The one thing he said that got stuck deep into my brain was "You want the D to be as amicable as possible. Remember, court files are public and kids of divorced parents often read them when they grow up to find out what happened. You do not want filth there."

I have to rehearse multiple times, and the biggest thing will be to not cry during this, whenever it comes to kids I tend to break down every time so I really need to control it not sure how I can do that.

Rehearse, indeed. That will help with your confidence. It will help with the crying too. If you end up crying during the meeting, do not get embarrassed. Just apologize and focus on calming down. Take your time. Leave the room if needed. There is nothing wrong to cry. It is not a sign of weakness. There is a lot at stake, and everyone understands that D is probably the most stressful process in a person's life.

Hope this helps. You will do great. When I read your posts I find you much stronger than you realize you are.

[arsh18]

Thanks for the support Neffer.
Eric, thank you. I have made detailed notes of all feedback and I am updating my exit interview speech, somehow it feels like the end of a job now. I am practicing it and thinking of the curve balls he will definitely throw. I think I have patience and shutting my mouth well covered, the darn emotions and tears is what get the better of me. But I need to be strong for my children.

H has been acting extra friendly past 2 days, he has mediation arranged and wants to discuss terms so I know better than to read positive into this but I wonder if he is being manipulative to lead me on and feed me crumbs.
I was playing with the kids in the room with door closed, he never comes and participates but yesterday he did and laid down next to all of us. I just stayed put as if it did not matter and continued concentrating on the kids. D3 was so happy she had both of us together.
He comes and sits next to me on the couch while I was watching TV, he couldnt tolerate being in the same room with me last month and now he finds a seat next to me with the whole couch open. Again I just watched TV laughed as the comedy went on and when i was done just got up to do my own thing.
His pretense is actually becoming repulsive to me. Is this because he wants to pretend to be nice to me before mediation or is he feeling he is losing control?
Either way, as I type, I know I am still analyzing him and I should rather be doing better things with my time.

[EricC]

Good. This is probably due to lower confrontation. It is not a sign of reconciliation (yet), but it is still very good. The more you avoid confrontation, the more of this you will get. This is a good thing, especially for your kids. Remember, you need to avoid confrontation. Do not expect him to do it. Even though he may start it every time, he still accuses you for it. Not fair but it is reality...

[LoneWlf]

Hi arsh. My wife at one time stopped watching sports with me. Then for a period just before she moved out she would just come down and sit next to me- not asking who was playing. Like you I did my thing. She would stay for about half hour and leave. I too think as long as you do not persue and be pleasant and upbeat when you interact then you are fine. Good luck!

[NicoleR]

Arsh, it'd be nice if your husband would call off the divorce and you could just forget about this whole ordeal. That would be too-good-to-be-true! Perhaps in these final weeks your husband feels sad to move out and realizes he'll miss you. Or maybe he wants to make peace and he's sorry, but will that be enough to cancel the divorce? I hope you'll keep us posted.

[arsh18]

It feels like the end of the world. I know DBing says there is possibiltiy after D, but the way WAH acts he cant wait to get as far as possible at the earliest. And after so much at such a critical juncture in life I dont know if he will ever want to R just from guilt if he ever will feel it.

He still says I treated him like $hit and that is the reason he is doing this, I know there are other ways to fix it and the MR has not been so bad, but he is on a completely different frequency unreachable emotionally at this time. I know I need to be strong for my children, to be stable for them but not being able to provide them the basic home set up that most children get is the worst pain ever. I dont know if this is MLC, depression or plain I am done playing house and would like a new life syndrome. Either way I did not want this for me and definitely not for my children.

We did have the finance and custody discussion over the weekend. He agreed to almost everything, his need to get out is stronger than anything else. He wants kids for couple of days, although I do not want to stay away from them at all I understand they need their father.

The discussion for most part was calm and productive, I took 3-4 breaks whenever I got emotional or he lost control so that helped stay on track. For the first time once he said you also have a share in the break down of this MR but then he was again back to saying how its all just my fault. I validated a few times, kept quiet when I did not agree to an accusation, tried not using any language that could show pursuit and was patient. I may have spoken more than I should have, did not completely stick to point a few times but that was more as a mother nothing confrontational. I realize this was the obvious outcome, he was not going to magically change his mind but him agreeing to this means the mediation is going to finalize D.

I have no answers that I desperately seek, why this way, why all of a sudden as soon as we had a baby and what went so wrong that we cannot even attempt to fix it? What can I do about a father who wants children only for some days in a week and is okay not seeing them for the remaining time? What can I do about a WAH who has told our friend he has no love, affection or respect for me anymore.

I want to be a light house, but I dont feel the light from within. I did everything DB suggested, made mistakes initially but tried my best for my children but unfortunately seems like my sitch is a statistic instead of an exception with a happy outcome.

WAH is getting the quick D he needs and other than making it hard for him there is no reason to contest it. He is willing to negotiate in return for a quick D so for the sake of the children I may have to settle. Is this the correct path? Is there any hope? I know one of the rules is to Never Give Up, but I feel all is in vain at this time, I just have no energy left.

[SteveLW]

Hang in there. Remember, WAS always blame the LBS. ALWAYS. Like clockwork. Even the ones that say it is "not you it is me" are just trying to spare your feelings. Deep down they blame the LBS.

Good job on the logistics discussion and breaking for emotions, both yours and his. Remember, you have no power over what he decides. Just stick to DBing. He'll either wake up or he won't. Just make it clear to him that you aren't standing pat. That you will MOVE ON without him.

[Dtrmned]

Hey Arsh,
Just chiming in for a moment.
WAY too new and wrapped up in my own stuff to give advice on what/when/how you should do anything. I've noticed you have some great people pitching in and know that I'm pulling for you as well! Just taking MWD's words, you have to be the lighthouse and be there if/when they decide. IF you decide otherwise, it is your choice when. None of us want to be there and some days this board is the only thing that gets me through. Others it gives me the strength and amazing tips to handle anything. You want to fall apart, I get it, I am right there with you! You can't. You have no choice but to move on. If he chooses to be a part of your life, then so be it, if he chooses not to, so be it as well. Be the spouse only a fool would want to leave!

We are all pulling for you and your family!