Hi Neffer - thanks for taking the time to read my posts and feed back. It is much appreciated and feels good to have the support through this very difficult time.
Also good to hear from someone who has been to the other side and come back - there's hope I guess, but to help me get through this I am convincing myself that there is none. Certainly everything I'm hearing from my W confirms this, and I also know she has seen her solicitor today so is definitely taking her decision and pushing on with it. Detaching is absolutely the only way forward.
And yes, boundaries are the next thing. Need to figure those out and stick to them. I am certainly trying to stay strong. Going to have to when we do eventually tell the kids who are going to be devastated.
Thanks again!
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
It's been a few days since my last post, and there has been quite a lot of activity since we made the decision to proceed with our split last week. Mostly more bad DB'ing on my part, and we'll see if that has a positive or negative effect over the coming days....
Over the weekend, I had a feeling that that despite my request for her to move out, the advice she was getting from her L was to stay put in the house until the financial settlement is final at the end of the D process. 6-8 months more of being under the same roof, if she gets her way, and not something I felt was fair to put on me, nor that I thought I could handle. I spent Sunday evening working through how I would broach this with her, and concluded that she should know how I feel and that, rightly or wrongly, she needed a jolt of reality to see if that helped.
Monday morning I asked her directly what her L had told her. She confirmed that the L had reiterated that she was absolutely not to leave the house as it would 'undermine her parental control' and 'put her at the mercy of my goodwill when it came to the kids and money'. Ridiculous and false. She said having reflected over the weekend, she agreed. And unfortunately, having contained my emotions like a good DB'er for the best part of 9 weeks, this was the hair trigger that my mind was waiting for and it all came out.
I told her that this was clearly a L speaking, and that it completely ignores the fact that their are human emotions at play here. I reminded of all the pain and stress she had put me through over the last few months (having to discover her affair, not being in a position to kick her out because our kids were studying for important exams and so having to live through all that sh*t acting normal, then giving her space for 8 weeks whilst she ummed and aahed and still saw the OM, changed her mind several times about how she felt, then having to finally help her make the decision to separate, and now this). I told her waiting 6-8 months for the D to be final might be something she could put up with (she doesn't feel anything for me other than platonically), but it wasn't something I could live with - and this could not only affect our relationship and the outcome of our D but might also impact on the kids, who will wonder what the hell is going on.
I reminded her again that my L said there should be no issue with her moving out provided we confirmed this should not prejudice her position regarding the kids or money, and I asked her again to have her L speak to mine to resolve. She said she would... again. And she also said her L said the next steps were for me to file and for us to see a mediator. We hadn't even agreed we were moving to D, but seems she had got there because of what her L said about not moving out.
I said a whole load of other stuff as well about her disrespecting me and me losing respect for her. Didn't go down well. Obviously.
I know, I know. I broke all the rules, likely made her all the more certain she doesn't want to stay with me (but she didn't anyway), and for sure made her more determined to protect her rights. Afterwards I was so cross with myself, and reeling emotionally - it seemed I had managed to undo all that hard work I put in over a good few weeks, and she will definitely not forget and probably hold it against me. But now she knows how I feel, and just maybe, now she has seen me lose it completely for the first time, it might wake her up out of her alien behaviour and get her acting like a decent human being. Or maybe I'm dreaming....
In the conversation, I also asked her directly when the last time was she saw the OM was. She said 19 May. I was reminded that on that day, I saw that she was all glammed up and clearly heading out somewhere, and I actually remember asking her if she was going to see him that day as I knew it was exactly a year since they got together. She said no, with literally no hesitation. And I believed her. Fool that I was. And we had a few minutes talk there and then about how the limbo period was torture for me, that constantly being concerned about what she was doing when she went out or when I went out was destroying me, and that she just needed to decide one way or the other. This was of course all before I discovered DB and I got everything wrong. And literally the day before she had told me she was so torn about what to do and writing pros and cons of staying or leaving. So, apparently after being so in conflict with herself, she still managed to lie through her teeth (as she does) and see him that day, but it seems has not done so since. So she says. Maybe my speech that day helped a little. Or maybe she is lying to me again now. Probably the latter.
So anyway that was all yesterday. Today, I saw my L, summarized, what went on. She was supportive, not surprised I had finally flipped having been a coiled spring for so long, and said we would try to L to L route to see if we could get her to move out. No surprise that she had not heard from W's L since yesterday.
We also decided that rather than have her take the initiative and be in control, as my W suggested, I would proceed to file for D on the grounds of adultery. Big step I know. And heartbreaking to decide to do that, but if she really won't move out, and I decide I won't either, then we just have to get going. And as I am the one filing, I could also pull it at any time, in the very unlikely circumstance that she does a 180 herself. Very unlikely.
It was pretty emotional handing over my marriage certificate and my L saying I wouldn't see it again. But I think this is for the best. She is definitely not coming back, and I really don't think I could take her back now anyway.
I do feel better today. More in control of my emotions. Focused on planning what to tell the kids (we agreed we would do this next Saturday 7th), and also on working out what living arrangements will be and thinking about finances. We will also try to start mediation, probably next week, as both L's suggest this as a way forward.
Funnily enough, taking the decision to file seems to be helping me with the detachment process. Seeing W as a neighbour not a partner does help, and I do feel different. But this is a rollercoaster and no doubt tomorrow I'll feel cr*p again. What a lot of fun this is.
No specific questions to ask you today. Comments always welcome - whether they are chastising or supportive. It's good to know you're out there and there if I do need you.
I'm off to read Doodler's posts again. They do cheer me up..
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
A quick update that as agreed, yesterday my L and I crafted a letter that sets out, in a rational and amicable way, why I think my W should move out, how this should not prejudice her position, and why it will help both of us keep this amicable, as we both want. The letter went to her L today.
My W and I were actually out together all day today, with S17 at another school open day. We had a really nice day the 3 of us, with my W and I engaged in joint parenting and helping our S think through how his future might be in this new school. I really enjoyed the the day - it was probably the most time my W and I have spent together in one stretch for 10+ weeks. I like being in her company when she's being normal and nice, and I forget momentarily what she has done to me and what we are going through. And then I awake from the reverie and realise this is not how its going to be in the future, and I get sad again - inwardly at least. Outwardly I'm being the normal, fun and positive Dad for S17's sake.
It's tough this process. Waves of sadness are clearly still hitting me, even though I am resigned to getting on with my life without my W and can be strong at times. I just have to keep focused and try to detach better. Reading back my recent posts I can see I have completely lapsed with the DB'ing, and need to get back to it to get my sanity back.
When we got back from our trip today, I was then out for the evening watching football with friends as planned. So some GAL at least, even if my mind was not really distracted from the domestic situation that much. I still have not told my friends anything, and will only do so after we tell the kids, but I realise doing so will make this suddenly very real, and I'm dreading that moment if I'm honest. I think it says to me that I am clearly not moving on or detached, and I need to work harder to do so. Or maybe this is just a normal set of emotions for this stage in the process?
Since being home from GAL this evening, my W hasn't spoken to me at all. I think she has probably read the letter we sent, and feels she not ready to engage with me until she has spoken with her L to get advice. So we'll see what tomorrow brings in that respect - but we do need to discuss and agree something soon, if we are telling the kids next Saturday. We have also arranged to see a mediator next Thurs 5th to get that process going, so some discussion will be necessary in advance.
The other thing that made this real yesterday was that I told my mother what was happening. Up until now, I had only confided in my father as he is the stronger more rational one, and she just worries about everything and doesn't sleep. But now this has become inevitable, I felt it was important she know, and she was of course devastated for me (and the kids), but will be supportive going forward. This really is happening, and I just need to get my head around it.
No questions again for you today - just an update. I think when I get the response from my W to my L's letter I may have a few things to seek advice from you all on, but for now, just thanks for reading. More to come over the weekend no doubt.
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
Thanks Hongaku. I really appreciate the support. I do think I have this, it's just tough at times. It's the same for us all, I know, and we're probably not perfect H's, any of us, but none of us really deserve the treatment we get from our WAWs.
I just keep telling myself this is for the best, I deserve better, she doesn't deserve me, the kids need me to be strong, and I will fine. There are lots of great people on this forum that are living proof that there is a good life on the other side waiting, and they are a real inspiration. That's what I am working towards. I'll get there, one day.. just need to keep at it.
Thanks again to you all for your support.
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
Keep strong 40. Keep the detaching going. Go on with GAL. As you have read, it is hard for everybody here as it is for you. Just keep reading the top topics from this forum, like Sandis ones.
It sounds to me like you are taking the right course of action for you. I think you have to be prepared for her to refuse to leave NO MATTER WHAT her L says, which I suspect is exactly what is going to happen. She's content to keep things in limbo, so if you're not then you're going to have to do all the work. Normally in DB'ing terms we say not to help the D along, but if you just can't take having her there all the time then this is what you have to do. Personally I don't see it hurting chances for a future recon.
Originally Posted By: 40free
I just keep telling myself this is for the best, I deserve better, she doesn't deserve me, the kids need me to be strong, and I will fine. There are lots of great people on this forum that are living proof that there is a good life on the other side waiting, and they are a real inspiration. That's what I am working towards. I'll get there, one day.. just need to keep at it.
Thanks AnotherStander. I think you're right - she's going to refuse to leave, I'm almost certain of it. And if I was just dealing with the break up and nothing else, I think I could probably cope. We do get on ok, we are civil, still have the kids in common and many joint interests - it would be fine. As you saw from my last post, we actually enjoy each other's company still, or can do.
BUT, firstly, we are about to go into mediation and the for sure there will at some point be a lot of tension around the financial agreement and eventual living arrangements, and bringing that back into the home afterwards is just going to be awful. Bad enough if it's just the two of us under one roof, but the kids are here too, and it's not fair on the them to have us with that level of tension going on around them, when things are out in the open and they know what's going on.
PLUS - even though she says she has not seen the OM since mid May, she for sure is lying, and so the thought that she is cake eating with him and constantly scheming to see him will just drive me insane. Detaching is easy to say, but not so easy to do with all that going on.
Add to that I'm also trying to run a business and be a good parent (not necessarily in that order), I just don't think it will be tenable to stay under one roof all that time. DB'ing like crazy will maybe help, and yes, maybe, just maybe, a future recon is possible if I LRT/GAL/detach, but in my view my W is just too far gone to even acknowledge any of that. Maybe I'm wrong - maybe the vets will say she may still turn, but I don't think so.
AnotherStander - just to clarify, what is it you mean by
Quote:
She's content to keep things in limbo, so if you're not then you're going to have to do all the work.
Do you mean DB'ing? Or something else?
Plan B then, if I really can't cope, is to consider moving out myself. I REALLY do not want to do that though. Why the hell should I?? I need to sleep on this, as now it's starting to wind me up.
I'm out with S17 again tomorrow - just me and him. An overnight trip to see another school, so some time to reflect and get some space for myself, which usually does me a lot of good. Out of sight, mostly out of mind in my experience.
Then we're on count down to telling the kids. 1 week to go..
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
Hi 40free, Is there something she wants that you could agree to in the long run if she will move out in the shorter term? Something that you could say, if you move out I will agree to that. If you do not and I have to move out, I will not give that (whatever it is) up so easily in D proceedings if it comes to that.
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
Hi Helena - thanks so much for commenting. It's a helpful suggestion, and I will have a think about it. Knowing my W though, I think she is so entrenched in this position that she'll just say no, whatever it is. And I'll be no further along, and she'll know where she can push in negotiation.
Out of interest, if the shoe was on the other foot, and I was the one who had had the affair, then made her stay living with me whilst I decided if I wanted to stay married to her, then decided I didn't, then made her stay living with me for 6-9 months during the D proceedings - do you think she'd find that reasonable? Do you think she'd push to kick me out the house after discovering the affair in the first place? Of course she would. So why it is when we're in my situation, I can do nothing? The law protects the mother always - ignores affairs, men's emotional distress. How can that be?
Are there any women on the forum who can put themselves in her shoes and still find her behaviour understandable/acceptable?
I'm genuinely interested to know, as I just can't get my head around how sh*t she is treating me. And then she's going to take everything she can from me financially, and expect me to then remain friends with her for the sake of the kids. I don't get it. She has no shame, no heart, no remorse, nothing. You wouldn't treat your dog like she's treating me. It makes me sick, and then I'm supposed to just suck it up and continue to not let her get to me in front of the kids, for their sake.
She is certainly starting to make the detaching easier for me, I'll give her that. I don't like to hate people - it's not in my make up really, but I have a very strong sense of injustice and right and wrong, and she is just so far off the scale that I can only feel disgust at the thought of her. I feel bad to say that about the mother of my kids, but what kind of a role model is she for them? I mean when they find out what she has done and how she has treated me, I wouldn't blame them for not wanting to speak to her again. And she'll just have to live with that.
I find it amazing that I have spent 21 years of my life with this woman, loved her unconditionally throughout, gave her everything, created a nice life for her, and it's just not enough. Now she gets to be unfaithful to me, let me divorce her, keep the life I have help create for her, the money, the kids and just boots me out of it. How is that fair? It's BS. The law is an ass.
Rant over. Sometimes it just helps to get it out. So thanks for reading. 6 days til will tell the kids. Not going to get any better...
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
