This thread is almost up and so let me kinda end it on summarizing some stuff that has happened lately. I won't be starting a new thread unless things change.
So, the last 8 weeks have been tough. As they say, when it pours it rains. But thanks to all the mental and emotional growth I've attained through this year, I was able to work through the challenges and have a good mindset.
Just a quick glimpse into my challenges: injured myself and so can't climb or workout for at least 2 months; didn't realize I had injured more than one limb and the second injury blew up a few weeks after the first injury and I had to go to a doctor and now I am on physical rehab - it's not devastatingly bad, but any physical activity until fall is out; caught the flu on the day a very important work deadline was due and was pretty incapacitated for a few days - my team pitched in and got it done; the flu symptoms lingered and had to get antibiotics 2 weeks later as I was still sluggish; some family bull$hit that I didn't need right now; and having to restart my smoking quit.
In the past I would've been all self-victimizing myself and how woe is me and life just [censored] for me. But, not this time. I took all the hits and figured out a way to mentally handle them and find the silver linings in all of them. And they all had something positive that I could take from it. I just had to change my perspective.
I've had some awesome time with the kids and they were just so adorable and helpful to me when I came down with the injuries. They helped me around the house and even made me an espresso with whipped cream on it. Melted my heart to pieces.
Things with W are still the same same. I've come to a place of detachment where I am truly unfettered by her actions and words. I almost forgot how I felt after BD and how she treated me. And I had to remind myself about that because it seemed so far away in my mind. I had to remind myself how I had felt like garbage thrown on the side of the street, and how little I valued myself. I am so far away from that with my self-worth and confidence that I look back at that man and don't recognize him. She has no power over me now and it's a really calm place for me.
I've put myself through mental exercise about worst case scenarios and outcomes, and the only things get to me is how it might affect the kids and what I can do about that. Otherwise, the effects on me are pretty minimal. She could bang the whole varsity team and I have no emotions about it. I am not trying to pump up myself and be macho about it, but just being reflective and honest and letting myself feel what comes, but nothing bad has emerged.
She could sleep with the sexiest man alive and it wouldn't faze me as I am not comparing myself to any man she chooses. I am asking myself if I want to be with her instead, and the answer is no because I don't want that kind of sex and romance. I want something else, something better. So, she could do the deed with whoever and it's nothing against me and who I am.
I feel like I am receding more and more out of her life and it's quite therapeutic. The further I drift away, the stronger and more balanced I become.
On a personal level, I have some plans cut out for me and accomplishments and milestones set out. I am quite pleased about that and I gained a lot of clarity recently about my career path, what I want to do with life, and how to keep building that self-worth. Had an awesome IC session too and I am getting to a deeper level of rebuilding myself and excavating the past traumas to chart a stronger future path. I used to keep asking my IC for practical things I could do about some of the issues, and she entertained that to an extent. But now where we are, she pushed back and told me that there isn't like 3 things I could implement that will help me figure this out. There is a lot of deep investigation and reflection and emotional work, which can't be neatly done in three steps or whatever.
So that was very helpful to be reminded that I can't life-hack my way out some of the traumas and that they deserve the time and effort to address the magnitude of their effects over such a long period of time.
I am incredibly hopeful and also happy on a daily basis. I am very grateful to where I am at. I had written on Davide's thread I believe about gaining much needed perspective.
IC had recommended I take a mental health assessment that is focused on life events that have occurred in your life. I scored really high on it and statistically speaking, I should be clinically depressed, suicidal, in bad health, poor, addicted to substances, unemployed our unable to hold a long term job, and living on the margins of society. The only thing about that is that I was depressed (not clinically as diagnosed by my IC). So, already I am a massive success story about resilience, survival, and making it. If nothing improves, I still made it. But, everything beyond now is just gravy and spectacularly bright. I needed this to really shift my POV and get rid of my self-victimization and know that I have control.
So I am moving forward knowing that I gave it all for this MR and I have no regrets about my actions post-BD. I have conducted myself with integrity and I hold my head high.
I am around and will comment when I feel the need to. What a journey! What a life!
