Walk Away Spouse after 6 yrs - Part 2

[Nutcrac]

Maika - I am not trying to be argumentative or giving wrong inputs. I agree that I am a newcomer and may not be as experienced as many of the forum members like you are.
All I can say is every stitch is different. The timelines for NC/Dark are different. Spouse expectations for a MR is different. In all cases the spouse is wanting to leave. Some may reconcile and many usually never. Because this depends on the mindset and the actual MR and how it went through all the time. NC/ going dark is a very subjective approach. Lets assume for discussion purposes, if you had a fight with your wife and you went dark for 6 months, when you contact her back, she will usually remember the last state you left her with the argument and miseries and she will question you on that. However, during those 6 months, if you confidently approach her with NO expectations, listen and empathize her and hear her heart, that builds / bridges the communication. All i say is keep No expectations, just listen to her. You dont need to do NC / Dark for long time. Be confident in every approach without being needy. If she says get out after a fight respect her feelings and go and don't cling on. My wife was asking for space, and she felt that in house space was not enough. Hence she moved out. Now she is feeling lonely and deserted. Yes she is still angry with me. But at the same time, she feels i abandoned and ignored her. That is a small sign which shows she had enough space - "do something". Now that is the tricky part on how the LBH can handle. He can do something by going further dark / NC or he can emotionally connect with her and empathize her feelings. All i can tell you is that at this time the WAW had no idea what she wants and still in a dilemma. By you being confident and show what you can do to bridge the gap, it shows your strength as a man of courage. Your WAW will appreciate it inside of her although she may scream at you outside. If you listen to her shouts and her scream and become afraid and give up, your WAW thinks that you don't want her. Allow her heart to release the frustration. Who knows may be she can open up more or may be never. You all have criticized me on the other post of being needy, selfish, stubborn and all this. Yes I may have all these qualities. But without these qualities, I still have the courage to stay strong and expect the worst. I really don't care if anyone wants to listen to my advice as a newcomer. But I can tell you one thing. No one is more better than understanding his/her own situation than you. I may give you 100s of advices, but you know your stitch best. I know my stitch best and so does ballast his. So despite all the suggestions in this forum, One thing stands out. You do what is best for your stitch based on your current circumstances and be strong and confident!

SOrry Nutcrac but this is all very dangerous territory. The vets here call what you are suggesting and what you are doing in your own sitch as the illusion of action.

WAWs/WWs want space. You have to give it them. In my own sitch I didn't make any headway until I let go to get her back. We are now in piecing and R. Detachment is about giving space. It is about doing the opposite of what your instincts tell you.

Doing nothing is sometimes the best thing to do! I've told others in these sitches, pressure and pursuit will result 99.5% of the time in the WAW/WW running the other direction. Only when you remove all pressure and pursuit, and only when you start detaching will they start taking steps toward you. But even DBing right only gives you a 50/50 chance, and it takes time!

Where LBS go wrong is in getting impatient, giving up DBing, pursuing and pressuring. This pushes the WAS/WS away faster than anything. Especially when you DB'd well and started making progress.

Also: "Your WAW will appreciate it inside of her" this is simply not true. Pursuit and pressure does not make her appreciate it inside, outside, over or under or anywhere else.

Steve85,

I respect your advice, I have taken many of your suggestions and even applied it. I have also seen that you strongly believe in Sandi2's techniques. For example you are simply assuming my WAW is a WW. This is not the case! She is true to herself and I know her well. You should really go back and read many of Sandi2's post for my situation and how her suggestions and her opinion is different from you and many other experts in this forum.

Agreed sometimes doing nothing is the best thing to do. However, Will you do it forever?

I am doing none of the negative things here. I am not giving up DBing, I am not pursuing her, nor pressuring her. In regards to the withdrawal decision, I am standing my ground. And I am just changing the process of going into limited contact vs being dark. I expect to maintain friendly contact and try to build the emotional connect. But however I don't expect to be friends with her forever!

SHowing up at her place with sweets is pursuit AND pressure. Sorry, but I won't hijack this thread.

I will respond to false statements you make then in other people's threads:

"I want to be very clear with my position here - I AM NOT AGAINST DBing. ALL I AM SAYING IS THE STRATEGY FOR DBing SHOULD BE DIFFERENT FOR WW vs WAW. ALSO I AM NOT SAYING PURSUING FULLY IS THE WAY TO GO. YOU NEED TO GET THAT INTO YOUR THICK HEAD. "

This is wrong. The overall approach to WAW and WW is the SAME. Detach. 180s. GAL. Be the best spouse you can be. NONE OF THAT CHANGES!!!!

There are a few differences. WWs need tougher love. They need to be kicked out of the MBR if they are cheating. You do not validate their feelings if their feelings are disrepectful.

Other than that the approach is THE EXACT SAME.

I do not assume a WAW is a WW. I've said dozens of times on this board that not all WAWs are WW!! However, WWs come in many different flavors, and sandi2 will corroborate that herself. Many are in EAs and PAs. Others are into partying and acting like they are half of their age. Others are full on GGW.

But regardless. Detachment. 180s. GAL. Be the best you can be. And when the situation demands it (like when a WAW LEAVES the marital house), LRT!!

Steve85, I know my wife better. She has too much anger. The sweets thing does not show that I am pursuing. Do you think just by taking sweets to her would have changed the situation while i was actually thinking of a TRO in my case? It is just a normal greeting gesture in our culture. Nothing of a pursuit.

You clearly point out the differences of WAW vs WW. That is what I am talking as well. Sometimes a WAW also needs tough love if she is disrespecting you too much. In my case it warrants. Only for a while. And then you may have to tame them distantly like a lion in a circus. This takes patience and practice.

LRT is something that i have been following all the while. And now the only change that I am doing is just limited contact rather than a full dark zone. I have not deviated anything seriously from the normal process of DBing. A few changes here and there. Mistakes are expected to be done by LBH. and everything cant go smooth. There will be hiccups here and there.