My little daughters 2 - securing their future

[EricC]

I am going to honestly speak with H before mediation about finances and custody. I will not initiate it but since I know it will come up, I am being prepared for it.

Exactly! He can talk about how terrible you are etc because he wants D. Do not retort, just talk about what you want, which is to secure yourself and your kids - finances custody etc.

- I am planning to let him know that I have let go.

Don't tell him, show him. Show him by GAL, detaching, focusing on your goals. Ignore his goals completely. Let him take care of them.

Negotiate for more custody...

Make sure to discuss this with your L, and have a strategy prepared. You do not want to use custody as an instrument to get back at him, but you still want to fight for what you think is best for the kids.

I plan to let him know I have met with a L and I know my rights

Again, show him, don't tell him. He considers most of what you say an act of hostility or manipulation, anyway. The less you say the better.

...I will comply with a mediation enabled quick D if he gives me favorable custody time

... and everything else you think you need.

If he refuses I just say since we cannot seem to agree

Show, do not say. If he refuses he will not have quick D. If you say it, he will think you are doing what you are doing to make him miserable. If he refuses you can instead say that you are very sorry you could not reach an agreement.

I want both of us to be happy and stable since the kids are small and depend on us. So if D is going to make you happy then you can have it and I respect your decision to be free.

Show, don't tell. He likely believes that you want him to be miserable.

I will thank him for the kids and for the 15 years and say I choose to remember him by that and not by the last 6 months.

Why are you telling him that? At best this is pursuing. At worst you are telling him that he is welcome to come back at any time under any condition... I do not understand this.

- I will be as much NC as possible even while he is at home rather than being like a friendly neighbor.

- at any time if the convo gets heated, I will just take a time out saying this is not going in a positive direction and we will need to take a break.

Agree with both. Except, don't say it is not going in a positive direction. Just assert yourself by saying YOU are not willing to participate in conversations YOU do not deem civil and productive.

If we cannot come to a consensus, then I will politely say that this does not seem to be reaching a mutual agreement and I will walk away saying it is now up to him however he wishes to proceed.

You do not want to say that. That will be interpreted as pursuing big time - you are obstinately refusing to reach an agreement, and then are gloating about it and taunting him to make another move. Remember, he sees hostility in everything you do.

Instead if you fail to reach a consensus, you "will be as much NC as possible" and let him figure out that you won't be walked over, and he needs to do something to reach an agreement.

If he gets mad that you failed to reach a consensus and accuses you, you say that you are sorry that you did not reach a consensus and he is not making consensus more likely by being abusive because YOU are not willing to tolerate that.

There are going to be a lot of temper tantrums, complains about how I ruined his life and how I am the reason for all this, I will be calm and respond with 'sorry you feel that way', ' I can see how it must feel like that for you', 'it is unfortunate that this is how things are'

That is fine, or you can completely ignore these. Be like the presidential candidates on TV debates. If candidate X accuses candidate Y that he is soft on crime, Y does not come back by saying he is hard on crime. He comes back by saying he is great for the economy. So, when you H says you ruined his life, simply talk about arranging custody.

He fears people will think he is abandoning his family so he wants the mediation agreement done before he leaves home so he will be able to say this was an amicably reached settlement due to incompatibility.

Good for you. You may have easier time getting what you want. If you get what you want, let him have that if he is so dead on leaving. Your children will ask about this when they grow older. Let them know you both agreed that it is the best for everyone if you split. You do not want them to have a father that abandoned their kids, right?

When I consulted a L, I was in utter shock, and I do not remember almost anything. The one thing he said that got stuck deep into my brain was "You want the D to be as amicable as possible. Remember, court files are public and kids of divorced parents often read them when they grow up to find out what happened. You do not want filth there."

I have to rehearse multiple times, and the biggest thing will be to not cry during this, whenever it comes to kids I tend to break down every time so I really need to control it not sure how I can do that.

Rehearse, indeed. That will help with your confidence. It will help with the crying too. If you end up crying during the meeting, do not get embarrassed. Just apologize and focus on calming down. Take your time. Leave the room if needed. There is nothing wrong to cry. It is not a sign of weakness. There is a lot at stake, and everyone understands that D is probably the most stressful process in a person's life.

Hope this helps. You will do great. When I read your posts I find you much stronger than you realize you are.