Help...Confused Newbie Pt5

[Maika]

I am going to break this down in more detail as it seems like it's not coming across properly.

All I can say is every stitch is different.

Different in details, but the overall patterns are virtually identical, down to what the WW/WAW says to the LBS. I've read hundreds of sitches here in my time and there is no deviation from the pattern. So, people come here thinking their situation is unique, but it's not. Newcomers truly need to understand that - you are not unique, and that's okay because we can help you.

The timelines for NC/Dark are different.

The only reason timelines are different for NC/Dark is because that timeline is controlled by the WW/WAW. The LBS does not control this timeline and cannot accelerate outcomes by breaking NC/Dark.

Spouse expectations for a MR is different

That's a general bull$hit statement. There are no overall differences in what spouses expect - safety, love, affection, support, joy, fun etc etc. How we implement that depends on people.

In all cases the spouse is wanting to leave. Some may reconcile and many usually never. Because this depends on the mindset and the actual MR and how it went through all the time.

Again general bull$hit statements. Refer to my point about differences in detail, but at the meta level, it is all the same pattern and theme - that is the more important piece to pay attention to rather than the small details.

NC/ going dark is a very subjective approach.

No it's not. That's your take on it. You want to cherry pick stuff, you do that. But it's not subjective at all. There simple thing about NC/Dark is this: keep communication lines open for kids and business stuff, nothing else; NO R TALKS; keep communications simple and straightforward and like a business transaction; in person should be pleasant and assertive.

Lets assume for discussion purposes, if you had a fight with your wife and you went dark for 6 months, when you contact her back, she will usually remember the last state you left her with the argument and miseries and she will question you on that. However, during those 6 months, if you confidently approach her with NO expectations, listen and empathize her and hear her heart, that builds / bridges the communication.

That's your take on it, which I believe is wrong. DBing supports validation and empathy, but ONLY when the WW/WAS brings up R talks. The LBS does not force it or start those talks and definitely does not talk about themselves when validating. In six months, you are no where near confidently approaching anybody as the LBS.

You dont need to do NC / Dark for long time.

Yes you do. You do that until the WW/WAS has thawed out their anger and resentment and all of that. On the flip side, the LBS uses the NC/Dark to truly understand what they did wrong and self-reflect and make improvements and build confidence. There is no short cut here.

Now she is feeling lonely and deserted. Yes she is still angry with me. But at the same time, she feels i abandoned and ignored her.

Yes, that's called a reality check. She needs to work through that on her own. You're not going to change how she feels. In fact, the more she hasn't you around to soothe her feelings, the better it is for her to see life as it is, not her fantasy.

That is a small sign which shows she had enough space - "do something".

That is clearly not a sign for definitely that. You're completely misreading the situation.

All i can tell you is that at this time the WAW had no idea what she wants and still in a dilemma. By you being confident and show what you can do to bridge the gap, it shows your strength as a man of courage. Your WAW will appreciate it inside of her although she may scream at you outside. If you listen to her shouts and her scream and become afraid and give up, your WAW thinks that you don't want her.

Nahhhh bro! you got it all wrong and upside down. You can't solve her dilemma and you're the last person she wants help and confidence from. You're not a man of courage. You're being selfish and inconsiderate to her needs and not taking her wishes into account. You're doing what you want to do - show her you're a MAN. A real man backs off and handles his business first and becomes the prize. What you talking about ain't it.

If you listen to her shouts and her scream and become afraid and give up, your WAW thinks that you don't want her. Allow her heart to release the frustration.

Yes, validation. Good if she doesn't think you want her. That's where you need to get to with confidence and mystery and wonder. All you're doing is being a beta male. While you think going up to her place with confidence is what's alpha, it's actually not. It's aggressive and coercive and selfish.

I haven't fully disclosed this yet, but I think this warrants it. I am South Asian. I hella know the cultural background to all of this. This is not some f#$king Bollywood movie. Yeh, I know all of that stuff and how our culture promotes chasing women even when they don't want you and all of that. That the pursuit is noble and she'll change her mind and turn around. If you're getting your cues from Bollywood, you're going to sadly fail. I know I am making a huge leap of assumption here, but everything you have written in your sitch speaks of male privilege, patriarchy, and not listening to women and their needs - which we do very brilliantly in our culture unfortunately.

You haven't even given DB an honest chance. So, until you do and suspend your beliefs, you're not going to understand it.

B - sorry I got all pissed off in your thread, but it really gets to me when people are given bull$hit advice. I really want you to get emotionally grounded and handle your business and understand that this is a marathon and this will require unbelievable patience on your part and trusting the process.

There are plenty of us here who have not trusted the process to come back here and report how we've made it worse. Before anyone decides to critique the DB approach, put it into solid practice and then come back and talk. Otherwise it's all nonsense and hot air.