Affair discovered 2

[STH17]

It being unlocked was accidental because of a program keeping it from shutting down. Has happened a couple other times and I've only resisted the temptation about half the time.

Met with my therapist today, and we agreed that snooping did not make anything better for me, though I did learn some things I "wanted to know". I'm frustrating myself, my therapist, and probably everyone here and even my W with my inaction and indecision about my relationship with my W. Being "patient" and not expressing what I want hasn't been good for me.

Right now the only communication W and I have is about our son, even though we are still living at home together. I have been saying hello and goodbye to her when I come home or leave, but that's about it. This morning my son heard me say goodbye to W, and he asked if mom said bye. I said no, and he asked why. I just said I don't know. When W and I were discussing divorce a while back (at her initiation, this was the discussion that led to her breakdown) I told W that saying hello and goodbye to her was a way I was trying to bring some positivity into our relationship. I don't remember my exact words, I think it was something I told her after she asked me "How am I supposed to love you?". I stopped doing that for a while, and now I feel like doing that is being seen by her as pursuing. And my own son is noticing her ignoring me. I'm not just supposed to ignore her too am I? And if I can't even say hello and goodbye, how am I supposed to approach her about anything else like my therapist wants me to? I think that's what's got me feeling like my hands are tied right now.

The last time I mentioned how separating our accounts would require closing them, she changed her mind about doing that, and expressed an interest in mediation. Part of why I want to separate accounts is so I can get another student loan installment for the summer but not tell my W about it. I'm open to opinions on whether that is wise or just scheming. It would all come out in divorce negotiations anyway, but I don't know when W will get around to that. My therapist is encouraging me to follow up with W about separating accounts. I'm afraid of doing that, and about it opening up further divorce and mediation talks. My therapist is of the opinion that avoiding talking about all this stuff is not good for me though. So the "best decision" in my appointment today we decided on was for me to talk to W about the accounts. If I'm going to do that, it should probably be tonight.

I'll have my son this weekend, while W goes to a family reunion on Saturday. I think she might have said she's leaving tomorrow night. Probably seeing OM. Less I know the better, right? BTW, while obsessing this morning about A, I'm pretty sure I ID'd OM. Got a tsk tsk from my therapist about that one.