Advice for newcomer pre- bomb drop.

[Bern19]

I'd like to go back to the Father's Day initiation for a second. Because it just struck me that another anti-divorce author (not MWD) talks about a phenomenon when it comes to WAWs/WWs and the LBH detaching.

When you detach properly and they start to feel the loss of control slipping away, they will often resort to sex (and if they are in a full blown PA usually it is oral sex) in order to reestablish some control. She predicted that when the LBH emotionally differentiated that the cheating W would usually go to that.

Wives in limbo (many of whom are in PAs) are unsure of what they want, but they know they want that safety net there. Since intercourse is often saved for the AP, they will resort to oral sex to try to control the H.

Anyway, that just hit me.

OK, so then that begs the question... Do i decline any future initiations? It doesn't happen often, so it might have been a fathers day present, or could have been an attempt to control. If it happens again any time soon, I think that would answer the question and prove that it's her grasping for control. How do I decline to make sure it makes the right impact/impression? I don't want to come across as mean or spiteful, but would really like something to jar her into the realization that I'm not OK living the rest of my days in this current sitch.

I've only been on this DB/DR journey for 3 weeks and was thriving early on, but lately I'm feeling as lost as ever. Probably because there has been no bomb drop from her and I have no evidence of a OM. I feel that by just keeping my head down and moving forward it allows her to do all the cake eating she wants. By cake eating I'm talking about going out to eat at night a couple nights a week and going to church as a family, etc. Doing all those things that publicly say "we are a normal family". This cake eating could also include a EA/PA, but without proof of that I'm choosing to not go there in my mind. I'm having a hard enough time focusing on the neglect and resentment to worry about that. Without snooping for more info, it's not likely I'll get that answer anytime soon.

The one thing that is really getting me (besides feeling like she's just using me to keep her entertained while her friends have to tend to their families) is how she is asking for permission to spend money on equipment for her "hobby". She works in the education sector, so she has her summers off and has been "asking" to buy high end photo equipment. Recently she has been pursuing this hobby as more of a side venture/business opportunity. It makes me think, is just a step in getting herself set up with income to help replace what she loses if she decides to dispose of me? How do I respond when she "asks" for permission to spend that kind of money? It's not that we can't afford it, but it certainly affects our discretionary income. It's funny, i can always tell when she's going to ask to buy something because she'll act all nice before she asks. How nice she acts is directly related to how much money she wants to spend.

I guess I know that I'm supposed to just ignore her and focus on myself, but at times I feel like pressing her to at least get an "official" bomb drop so she's forced to at least address the elephant in the room. Our currently unsustainable MR.