Of course she wasn't going to leave when you asked her.
You see the thing is there is always an excuse if you look for one. Quietly gather all her stuff up and put it in the spare room, basement where ever. If the kids ask just say this is between your mother and I.
I can't stress enough that you have to show with actions that you will not tolerate an open marriage.
If she were to agree to go a counseling session, I think it would be to tell you she wants a divorce, not to admit to an affair. I'm not saying admitting to an affair couldn't happen, but the likelihood is slim.
If you feel you will always look back and regret not attending at least one session with her, then do what you have to do. I am simply trying to prepare you for a different outcome than your heart is seeking. She has no well wishes, no desires for the betterment of your MR. Her goal is to end the MR. The whole pretense of learning better communication for the sake of your kids, is a scam. I think it's her way of transitioning the family into D. Many so-called MC, are really D counselors.
She can tell her friends/family that she even tried MC, and nothing worked. Do you remember me saying that a WW is motivated by selfishness? If she agrees to something, it is b/c she has something to gain. She's not interested in piecing the M back together, so she would be going for other reasons.........like stated above. She can do all of this without ever admitting to an affair. Observers think she has "tried", and she walks away feeling a sense of justification of attending MC.
IMHO, I think the best plan is to stop playing family and marriage. Let her go. Allow her to experience life with out you. Get your lawyer's legal advice about the kids, bills, accounts, financial support, etc. Check to see if it hurts the H's with child custody and finances if he should have to temporarily leave the home (if she refuses).
I believe the H has to be suited in full armor b/c his W is not going to play fair, so he must protect, protect, protect. No more pursuit type actions in saving the M (which usually means to him persuading his W). He lets go of her, removes all emotional pressure he was putting on her to reconcile, puts physical distance between them, goes no contact, and let's her see life without him. It throws her and the affair partner closer in some cases, but it also has been known to end the thrill of their secrectcy and a breakup follows pretty soon.
During this period, the H stays dark; GAL like there is no tomorrow; focuses on self healing rather than relationship healings; does not keep tabs on his WW's life; no social media stalking/snooping or other self defeating avenues. When her fantasy begins to crumble down around her, he does not become her rescuer or street cleaner. He makes no attempt to reach out to her. He is busy healing and making a life without her. This is her mess, and she'll have to clean it up without your assistance.
No doubt, she will notice her H's lack of availability to her. Along with the loss of his availability, accommodation, and attention.......may come other uncomfortable experiences in her life. If so, the H needs to allow her to experience it, without him rushing in to save the day. If her affair ends, and if she doesn't get involved in another OM.........she might possible start breaking through the fog and thinking more rationally. At any rate, any initial contact should come from her. I don't mean her reaching out wanting rescued, wanting you to do something for her, or anything selfish whatsoever. If it something for "her"........then let it go, b/c she is not ready to change. She just wants to use you.
H's ask how they could dertermine if their W was genuine about wanting to reconcile. She would need to make the first move to stop the D, or apologize to you, or ask for another chance, etc. If she feels remorse, she will be very humble in spirit, tone of voice, attitude, body language, approach, behavior.......everything. There would be no spitefulness, resentment, anger, blaming, or arrogance. The dynamics would be reversed. If you can't see any of these things, then she has not done the work a WW needs to do to find her way back. Don't be fooled by her tears. If she has worked on her heart, you should be able to easily detect signs of humility.
Getting back to dynamics in a MR. Here is something to remember. The spouse who cares the lest about the R, is the one who holds the most power. The fearful spouse who frets over what the other one is doing, or not doing, or may do, has zero power in the R. The spouse who worries what the other spouse feels/thinks, likes/hates, what response to expect, always walking on egg shells to keep the other spouse in a better mood, etc., is the spouse who has no power. Currently, you are the spouse with no power in the relationship. You won't get it by pursuing her.
I have been known, occasionally, to tell a LBH to stop trying to save his MR. B/c his mindset is so desperate that most of his actions are pathetic and repulsive in the eyes of his WW. He gets into a frenzy of beating the divorce clock. He starts grabbing at any straw he sees. IMHO, that is where you are currently.
I may be wrong, but I doubt an affair would be a deal breaker for you. At the moment, you seem focused on evidence of an A, but if you had a video of them having sex.......I still see you trying to save the M by adding that if she'd agree to MC, the M could be saved. The affair is her acting out in rebellion. The real problem is that she stopped feeling respect/admiration for you as a man. That killed her loving feelings. It can be turned around, but it is not for the unwilling. Currently, her heart is unwilling. Her heart is closed to you, and it only feels a ton of negative feelings for you. Everything you try, feels like emotional pressure to her. Until she feels free of that pressure you are applying.......I don't see her making positive changes anytime soon.
I'm sorry if you see this post as doom & gloom. I hope you will see how you need to take a different direction. Let her go. Stop trying to hang on to her. Stop trying to make her see that the MR can be saved. Stop telling her you don't want a D. Stop trying to make her feel a certain way, or think a certain way. Just let it go. You've been in a tug of war with her, .......now, drop the rope, turn and walk away. She'll probably fall on her face, but you are not going to catch her. Let her fall.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Im prepared to do all of that. My dillemma is that i was advised legally not to leave the house. And shes not willing to leave either, probably for same reason.
As far as proof of affair. I just want to make sure that certain people no the truth. Primarily family and close friends. Otherwise she has already shown that she will blame me.
Big factor was my kids. We are supposed to go on two trips next few months, sons baseball,and move my daughter into school. I didny want to take away from them, but im going to have figure somethimg out. And if people, per my,councilor, she,found a new boyfriend...although i dont think he is that new.,
Fmly1st, it's hard with kids because you can't completely cut off contact with your spouse and you want to keep them as comfortable as possible by making everything seem normal for them. It might take some practice finding the right balance between NC and communicating about the kids
I have experience now with my husband having several affairs. One thing about affairs is that they end after awhile in most cases (like almost all I believe?). There's not much you can do while your spouse is having an affair to make them end it but you can do the right thing to make your spouse see returning to you as the best option. It seems you have a lot of good clear advice from this thread to follow. It's still overwhelming but if you develop confidence that your marriage can be fixed and you believe in the process that needs to take place then it will be get easier.
I saw a counselor when my husband left the first time who said "I've seen this many times. He'll be back in about eight weeks. Don't worry." At that point I gained confidence and I also followed the DB book and he came back. Coming back or ending an affair isn't the same thing as fixing or saving a marriage though. Once they come back the problem isn't yet solved, so it's a long road. You love your wife, and your wife has her reputation with her family and your children at risk. Perhaps she's even thinking of divorcing you and starting over with this other man but she hasn't actually done that yet. She'll definitely have a reality check when she starts that process.
This is the most challenging thing ive ever gone through in my life. And my anger and frustration is on overdrive. The challenge is i refuse to allow an affair under my nose. Period....end of story....and i shouldnt have to!!!!!
So ive asked her to leave, especially the mbed and she wont. Yet she continues to communicate and make arrangements to see him. As a man i feel like putting a stop to it the only way i know how, man to man....face to face. But then i would be dealing with legal problems so what does that solve? Especially for my kids????
I just dont understand how someone can change like that and look like they are posessed. Thats what i feel near my wife....pure Evil. And im not crazy religious or anything. Grew up Catholic but would say im more spiritual. I feel like im being walked on everyday and im sick n fing tired of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe, but you need to snap out of it first and get a grip on yourself. You have to focus on you and your kids right now. It is easy to say and hard to do. I say it to you now as much for my own reinforcement as it is advice to you.
Your sitch is devouring practically your every waking thought, right? I know mine is. But you have to make a choice to step back and control what you can control. You are still going to be preoccupied with your sitch, but you have to start really letting go and letting your W do what she is going to do. Focus on you and your kids. Period.
M: 40 W: 37 T: 20 MR: 13 S13, S9, S4 BD: 1/29/18 Sep: 4/23/18 (I moved out) 8/24/18 I come home, she moves out
If you want to get out of the hole, drop the shovel.
