Sorry you're in this situation -- the same thing happened to me where both my sister and sister-in-law had their marriages end the same time mine did. In my sister's case, she reconnected with her high school sweetheart, had an affair with him, and is now divorced and has been married to OM for 5+ years so he's now "H".
WRT your sister, there is likely no telling her anything. Most WW will seek people who will support and validate them. If you don't support her, chances are she'll just stop confiding in you and keep doing what she's doing anyway. Therefore, your best bet with her is listen and validate her feelings. Her feelings are her feelings, there's no right and wrong in that, they just are what they are. You don't have to agree with her actions or her decisions in order to support her.
I would reach out to your BIL and tell him not to pursue, and to give your sister more space than she's asking for. Tell him to go the other way and observe the impact it has on her.
Initially she'll be relieved and will put him out of mind. Eventually the shine will come off of OM and she'll wonder where BIL went and why he was willing to move on so easily and then she will begin to doubt what she's doing.
As long as he's around and pursuing, all she's going to focus on is getting away from him.
By seeing what works for BIL, you can see what will work for you.
Good luck!
Acc
As usual, Acc is dead on accurate.
I still say that you can encourage her to give it time before making rash decisions and still validate her feelings and not tell her what she is doing is wrong.
But please do not project her into your sitch. All WWs are convinced early on that their MR is dead and there H has no chance. If you had talked to my W on 12/24/17-2/21/18 you would have heard the same thing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yes Steve I need to make sure I don't project sister into my sitch. I'm in the 4 month range as you know. Seems like I still have no chance, but I'm not at all asking and just trying to keep on.
And for my sister yes that is what I tried to do. Do not make rash decisions. Above all else I'm praying that God in his own way will heal all of the pain that is being experienced in my family.
Exactly, so just listen to her. Really listen, by looking in her eyes while she talks. Hold her when she cries. Don't try to fix her. Don't defend your BIL. Don't tell how she should feel. Just listen. You might even learn something about how your own W is thinking/feeling.
Men often believe when a woman goes to him to talk about her problem, she expects him to find a solution. No, she just wants to express her thoughts and feelings. That is how she processes and deals with it.
So, just love your sister. Don't judge or preach. Remember, this is not your W, so don't be telling her stuff that you want to tell your W. Don't let your frustration for W spill over to your sister. Just be her brother.
Try not to take sides, or become involved (apart from listening and being there), b/c you already have a full plate, and you don't need to be in the middle of your sister's battles, if you know what I mean.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
so my sis is not local, but I do understand what you are saying. definitely wouldn't defend BIL. In talking to her and how unhappy she is, strangely I've gained some compassion for my W. it's easy for LBH to believe WW are happy, but my sis is miserable...truly miserable AND says she loves my BIL...BUT she says no feelings.
interestingly while I have tried to help her, sis already has her options laid out so to speak and perhaps surprisingly I've not told her anything I'd want to tell my W mostly as her issues are not those of my sitch. definitely just be there for her and her brother.
and yes, agreed...not taking sides at all. some time ago you posted about things the LBH does/does not do which can lead a wife wayward, BIL has done some of those, BUT her seeing OM was her choice. I'm simply praying for their MR and my niece.
as for me...well 4 months no word from W on MR, only talk of D issues, I have been told D will happen ASAP, anger/spew randomly thrown at me...at least my sis will be talking to/with BIL...as I said before just wish when my W started feeling problems that she came to me and suggested we seek help...never happened unfortunately.
V so I have never accused W of cheating. I simply do not know if she has cheated. I have followed sandi rules best I can and have always been friendly when SHE has contacted me. She has never talked about R however only specifics of D. I was told no feelings when she left. I have never been a jerk to her, just have no insight into what happened or why she really left.
