Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 2

[Davide]

Benito,

I want to respond now, even though I have just read your message because I am not sure if I will have any internet access over the next few days.

I hear you saying that your thoughts were with her, and I know that on your thread that you talked about "faking it til you make it" in terms of interactions. Perhaps I am still there. If I want to keep the lines of communication open, I need to fake it til I make it.

I admit that I am completely discombobulated in my interactions with her because I feel like everything I wanted to say in my original message was something that I would have said when we first met. At the same time I get your point about being my authentic self - I feel like I am much closer to that person now than I was pre-BD. However, my authentic self at this point does still want R, even if it is a distant and fading hope, and I cant show that authenticity.

You tell me that my W doesnt want to share the journey with me. Check. I hear that. It stings, but a lot less now that I have heard it a bunch of times from you and others, and from her on more than one occasion. Your operating assumption, which may be true, seems to be that I am in denial or simply distracting myself. I feel like I have been pretty open in dealing with my emotions as they arise, but I have tried to avoid wallowing in them. Your message reads to me that I need to wallow in my grief and soak it up more and more. I suppose I could do that, but I dont know that it will help me to become a better stronger person.

I feel like I can focus on me and be positive, even thinking and planning my future without the W, affirming myself, practicing self-compassion and living in the moment. Those things strengthen me. Or I can grieve and focus on the dead R and spend much of my time in misery, sadness, anger, and resentment. It is not that I deny those emotions as they come up every now and again, but I do choose to acknowledge them and let them pass. As I have spent more time on my trip I have thought less and less about the R and that future, and more about me. I thought that was a positive step, but now you have me questioning that.

Your final words sting a lot as well, that I need to "get my head in the game." It implies that I am not focused, or not focused on the right things. Honestly, it brings up anger, because as poorly or well as I am doing I have been putting more effort into this than anything I have ever done in my life.