Personally, I don't see how it would make the LBH very attractive if he ignored and/or stalled. Why not just face her like a confident male and hear what she has to say? It doesn't mean you have to agree. In fact, I suggest only listening, and take time to think over whatever was proposed.
I would advise you to conduct yourself as if you were in a business meeting. If you are concerned things would not be handled in a civil manner, then suggest that she email her proposals. You can show them to your lawyer and get advice how to proceed.
I don't suggest getting together to just hash out details, if neither of you have written out what you want. That's an invitation for more relationship talk, which doesn't work.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So I replied to W. All business, speaking only on issues regarding D.
My middle sister telling me she is WW rocked me yesterday. Her statements of no feelings, no chance for my bro-in-law...it's like I'm trying to support my sister who is exactly as my W. Beyond my thoughts of hope in my own sitch, now I'm at a point where with women in general for men your time with them is like an hourglass. It starts off wonderful until the "sand" is all gone and then they are "no feelings", done and there is nothing you can do to get them back. I know that my life can and will go on no matter what...I'm drawing strength from the fact that I will go on to disprove the world of all the pain it's throwing at me this year...but my belief in marriage for my generation being successful...shaken to my core.
I hold my D and kiss her and tell her I love her like there's no tomorrow...it's the only true love that will last in this world I believe in anymore.
So I replied to W. All business, speaking only on issues regarding D.
My middle sister telling me she is WW rocked me yesterday. Her statements of no feelings, no chance for my bro-in-law...it's like I'm trying to support my sister who is exactly as my W. Beyond my thoughts of hope in my own sitch, now I'm at a point where with women in general for men your time with them is like an hourglass. It starts off wonderful until the "sand" is all gone and then they are "no feelings", done and there is nothing you can do to get them back. I know that my life can and will go on no matter what...I'm drawing strength from the fact that I will go on to disprove the world of all the pain it's throwing at me this year...but my belief in marriage for my generation being successful...shaken to my core.
I hold my D and kiss her and tell her I love her like there's no tomorrow...it's the only true love that will last in this world I believe in anymore.
Remember, the hourglass can always be flipped back over.
I don't know your sisters sitch, but I would be careful just blindly supporting her. Wrong is wrong and if what she is doing is wrong you should be sure to tell her that. You might be the wake up call your sister needs in order to save her marriage! Just a thought. One other, I know it can be difficult to be objective, after all you love and care about your sister. But try to remain objective about it. Maybe your BIL is a lying, cheating piece of garbage and your sister has every right to leave him. Or maybe your sister has allowed other things to become too big of a priority in her life and she is throwing away a commitment she made for life, frivolously. You called her WW, so I am assuming the former is true, and if so you should tell her to snap out of it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve...really, really struggling to see that it can be flipped back over. It was so "revealing" talking to my Sis as I mean I'm literally inside the mind of an active WW and she is asking me to support her. The no feelings she did acknowledge was due to OM.
I have told her that she knows right from wrong. I can feel the pull of the OM on her. What is also amazing is that I know my BIL needs to own his part of this. What my sis has done is flat wrong, but a few years ago she told BIL she was not happy, asked for him to go to counseling and he refused. He flat out blew that. In my sitch had my W said that to me, I'd have been/done whatever I could.
I will add my sis feels horrible, I mean completely. Truly this is the craziest, most tragic thing I've ever experienced. So many of us LBHs feel hopeless in our sitchs, BUT from direct knowledge I think so many of the WWs feel hopeless as well from their point of view.
ballast, thanks for more details around that. Yes WWs always say there is no hope. My W told me there was no hope for us through all of January and most of February. But here we are in R now. So while your sister says that now, she is in the limerance phase with OM. That clouds their judgement and makes them feel as if nothing will ever be different. I would encourage you to encourage her to do nothing rash. Give it time. OM may turn out to be a complete jerk in the end. I agree BIL should have done counseling but that is a common mistake we LBSs make. My W had requested it at various points over the years too. Sometimes we don't realize how serious the unhappiness is.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
yes I'm trying to encourage my sis to take her time. To know that she is WW and how that will impact her and my BIL/family is extremely painful. It is clear she is suffering. it is very surreal for me to be hearing firsthand a WW mindset. it is challenging for me to not directly convey how my sis is feeling to my sitch. And yes her no feelings for sure are coming from the OM contact. As sandi has said while there's an OM, the LBH is out of luck really best I can tell.
I wish that I had gotten the chance from my W to go to counseling. I would have taken that opportunity for sure and perhaps could have precluded myself from being where I am now.
Sorry you're in this situation -- the same thing happened to me where both my sister and sister-in-law had their marriages end the same time mine did. In my sister's case, she reconnected with her high school sweetheart, had an affair with him, and is now divorced and has been married to OM for 5+ years so he's now "H".
WRT your sister, there is likely no telling her anything. Most WW will seek people who will support and validate them. If you don't support her, chances are she'll just stop confiding in you and keep doing what she's doing anyway. Therefore, your best bet with her is listen and validate her feelings. Her feelings are her feelings, there's no right and wrong in that, they just are what they are. You don't have to agree with her actions or her decisions in order to support her.
I would reach out to your BIL and tell him not to pursue, and to give your sister more space than she's asking for. Tell him to go the other way and observe the impact it has on her.
Initially she'll be relieved and will put him out of mind. Eventually the shine will come off of OM and she'll wonder where BIL went and why he was willing to move on so easily and then she will begin to doubt what she's doing.
As long as he's around and pursuing, all she's going to focus on is getting away from him.
By seeing what works for BIL, you can see what will work for you.
Good luck!
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Acc...I don't want to lose focus on my sitch first and foremost, although hearing what my sister said and then the sitch you describe above, I'm having a HUGE case of the hopeless these days.
I will continue to support my sister as best I can. It is not my place to say anything to BIL until/unless she BD's him. No idea what she will plan to do.
Like I say it was bad enough dealing with my own sitch, then to have sister's come up and with all of her feelings that I believe my W has...in a compounded bad place right now. Hard seeing how my W doesn't have an OM and I'm already done for. Just trying to hang in and keep going each day.
Oh yeah and I'm staying radio silent towards the W, no pursuit, nothing. Only straight business on her D questions. I'm really trying to make her feel dead to me.
