Believe it or not, what you did was DBing. Ideally, these discussions would be peaceful indeed. However, if he chooses to be angry, you have to either endure that, or cut off communication until he calms down. You may want to consider stopping immediately any conversation that you do not deem civilized. That means at some point you say "This conversation is over" and you do not say anything at all from there on.
After that, every subsequent conversation should start with "Are you sure you can talk about this without swearing and shouting?", "Are you absolutely sure you can talk about this without swearing and shouting?", and "I do not think you can talk about this without swearing and shouting?"
Remember, you are enabling his bad behavior for as long as you participate in a conversation when he curses.
You have not made 100 steps back. You are moving forward.
With all due respect to your friend, this is a load of crap. If your H wants a D, he should get one. His bad behavior is his own choice, and is not caused by you. He is not a 3 year-old who threw a tantrum because you took his toy truck. He is (supposed to be) a mature grown-up, responsible for his own actions.
If he was not your friend you look up to, I would have suggested that his opinion that you should give your husband an easy D because that is the only way to stop his anger as thinly disguised threat.
This is exactly why you need to detach. You need to be able to say (and mean it) that H can get Divorce any time. You want him to be happy with or without you, you respect his decision to be free, but it does not change your decision on what terms to D. You have kids to take care of.
Arsh, I can totally imagine how hard that would be to travel alone abroad with a baby and toddler even if you wanted to go. It's one thing to imagine how it could help in theory and another to face the prospect of how it would be in practice!
That's interesting you spoke with a family friend. It's nice to know there's someone else who's aware of what's happening and knows both you and your husband. Your friend's input sounds reasonable. I definitely agree that you have no choice but to give your husband the divorce he wants because the faster that happens the faster your husband will cool down and start to experience the paradise he think's he's about to obtain and then finally he'll face the consequences of his actions. I also agree that it'll take around a year or slightly more for your husband to turn around.
I can see how your responses to your husband's accusations that you're taking too long to move on things, such as when you say "it's a lot for me to take in," fuel his anger. He wants a quick and easy divorce and when you stall for time your husband probably views that as you trying to control him and prevent him from his happiness. We have no idea what your husband is really thinking but I guess now, knowing what we know from you, we can see that DB isn't likely to prevent divorce at this stage. You're doing the best you can possibly do and it could probably be even worse if you haven't been so cooperative, but I guess hoping at this stage that delaying the divorce might change your husband's mind is no longer realistic.
The good news is that people do get re-married. When my husband suggested this in January ("maybe we'll get re-married in a few years! <hidden meaning - when I've dated all the 25 year olds and get tired of that perhaps I'll come back>"), I started to read and search more about people getting re-married to their same partner and I found it does happen. My colleague's parents got re-married. Someone who was posting on this board said she was currently re-married to her same husband. There are many articles online about it. Even my husband's best friend who divorced his wife in a similar manner to your husband tried pursuing her again five years later as she recently reported to me. So once your husband comes back to reality and has the time and space to think (as we often hear about in the DB approach) then I really believe strongly he'll show up one day apologizing for what he did and seeing if you might give him another chance.
What you're going through right now is my worst nightmare and I sympathize with how impossibly unfair and difficult it is to go through this. At the same time I still think there's hope and perhaps instead of focusing on what you can do to save your marriage you can look at yourself and your own strengths and weaknesses and work hard on being the best person you can be. If you tended to be uptight (not saying you are but just an example) during your 15 years of marriage then you can work on taking a more relaxed approach in your life. If you're great at organizing then you can build on your strength by continuing to find ways to do it even better. Probably the number one goal right now is just figuring out how to be self-sufficient as a single mom. This is what I'm trying to do. It takes just about all of your time and energy to keep two tiny angels alive and take care of yourself, work, cook, clean, and do errands all alone without anyone to help. You'll be busy and time will pass quickly. Once you get into your new routine as a single mom and your husband starts to observe you in a new light, with your new changes, and based on what your older daughter says, then I bet he'll start to notice and comment.
I bet when you make it past this critical stage you'll start to feel relief and your husband will feel relief as well but he'll start to have nagging doubts about what he's done that will prevent him from living the happy carefree life he wants.
If anything can save your marriage right now it seems to be divorce because it's the fastest route towards bringing you and your husband back together again. One other thing your husband may not realize is the possibility that he'll get replaced - by divorcing you he's freeing you to get re-married to someone else. I bet your family and community back-home will make some phone calls and have some new candidates to suggest for you even if you're divorced. Or here in the US where there's little stigma attached to divorce you're theoretically free to date although how could you possibly have that interest any time soon?! But I bet knowing you're educated and still young (34 is a blessing!) and probably beautiful there are plenty of men that would be happy to date you if you had that interest. Maybe you never will, but your husband is taking a big risk by setting you free.
I hope you can think of the one year mark after divorce as an important date and look forward to what changes that date may bring. I'm still so sad though hearing your story and knowing what a nightmare this is for you and how terrible it is for your innocent children. Your baby is probably smiling and babbling and rolling over and it's a shame you and your husband can't be celebrating her milestones together. Hopefully someday...
Eric, you are right, I need to stop the convos immediately. I will use your suggestion and the next time he brings up the talk I will start off by asking him if he is able to control his anger and be civil, if at any time he starts swearing I will just say the convo is over and walk out. Guess he cannot do worse than this, he is already working on the D.
Nicole I know you are right, but it is hard to feel that D is not the end of the road. But thank god I have my children, raising them will help me heal. They dont remind me of a failed MR, they remind me of the good and happy times I have had with their father. They remind me of how life still has endless possibilities. Dating is a far thing for me, I know you feel the same. A broken heart is not easily mended, in my case H has been my only partner physically and emotionally. And honestly I do not need a partner to make my life wholesome. Nobody knows what the future holds, but for now even if I end up being Dd I will find completeness with just my 2 little daughters. There will be no void or no room for anybody else.
Arsh, divorce is definitely the end of the life you and your husband had together the last 15 years. It's a tragic end that seems worse than death. But your husband isn't thinking at all about the long-term consequences and he has no idea what his new life will be like. What if it's not so great? I still think he'll come back in a year or two, but the uncertainty leaves little room for comfort. I know it's not very helpful when people tell you he'll come back because everyone says that about my husband but now it's been almost ten months and he's not back.
It's good you know you can feel complete with your daughters. Yes I have no plans to date anyone either. I've never done it. I had a long-term partner for eight years before I met my husband but it started as friends for over a year and then it was mostly long-distance. It was a guy from your part of the world who was born in the US. Other than him and my husband, I never ever dated. I was raised to be conservative and I could never overcome it. I guess we all change over the years so as you say, who knows what the future holds.
Nicole, I disagree a bit. Divorce is merely a step along the way. Good DBing practices before, during and after D can still bring about eventual R. It is like I believe AnotherStander says. D doesn't signify the end of you MR. That was BD. D is just a legal process related to the that end. But D doesn't mean that a new R between you and your WAS is impossible!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Oh I see Nicole, you meant the end of the current MR! Sorry I am still having my morning coffee LOL. But still I disagree just a bit since AS is right about BD really being the end, and D just being a legal formality.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Good morning Steve! I happened to see your messages - there's a previous response I wrote to Arsh up above about how I think they'll get re-married and then I was responding again to Arsh's comment that divorce feels like the end. I guess it is the end in many ways of the current marriage and life but doesn't mean hope is lost for the for the future. I'm always pretty tired by the time I write these messages at night so maybe it doesn't make sense but I really do believe Arsh's husband will be back someday.
