Cory, as far as missing opportunities to "communicate". Sometimes not communicating is the perfect communication. I wouldn't look at those as missed opportunities, I would view them as DBing opportunities taken!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks Steve85, Yeah, that Damn movie Up!, gets me every time..It so reminds me of my unbelievable grandparents that were married for 55 years and I longed to have that lifelong commitment to my W..
Interesting thought today from my therapist and wanted to get you guys opinions..She believes that my W is self-sabotaging herself due to some of her childhood experiences,abandonment issues from her mother cheating on her dad and leaving her when she was 5 to take care of S3 and S1, and self-esteem issues, which if you saw my W you would think no way..She made the terrible choice of 1-night stand and due to our many talks throughout our marriage on infidelity doesn't think there is any way that I'd want her back, hence punishing herself with a very quick D with no chance of working anything out...W believes this is the only way to relieve the guilt and shame of what she did.. Since my W, will not discuss the relationship and give me nor anyone else valid reasons as to why she was unhappy but told no one...I just don't know any answers...I just don't know, I've been working with my therapist for 9 years so she knows our relationship inside and out and was just as shocked and at a loss for words as anyone.. I guess the only reason, I shared is to see if this would effect my going dark and detaching??I guess I still think that nothing that I do or say will have an affect on her right now but it seemed like our opening of communication was softening her...Another thing, my b-day is Sunday and my DB coach thought it would be an opportunity for communication.. I don't know, it was pretty unanimous from everyone on here to go dark/detach, which I've done...It is just much more difficult now since my W isn't contacting me everyday, that was kinda my security blanket...I guess just being a newb, makes you second guess everything...I do have moments now of acceptance and moving on by myself, than BOOM, something, someone jars a memory of her and I'm right back to depressingly long for her again...This is such an Empty, Empty way to live..Why do people do this to people that care about them and love them more than anything in the world? Not only that but they stood before God and professed their undying commitment to this loved one forever..It just doesn't seem right, and as I stumble through this living hell trying to piece my life together, what is their punishment?
Cory, I'd personally go with whatever your therapist and DB coach suggest since they're the experts but hearing different points of view can be helpful as well.
Regarding your comment about stumbling through living hell and what is their punishment - I wonder about that every day, sometimes every hour. Not that I want something bad to happen to anyone but especially when you have innocent kids how can this be legal? How can that be fair that someone can abandon their family and simply say to their friends / family / colleagues that you were a bad husband or they weren't happy? And then everyone shrugs their shoulders and says nothing I assume except words of sympathy or support for the one who moved out. I don't know, there's the question of how you can still love someone who does that to you and how you can want them back or ever trust them again. And yet most of us are here because we do love our spouses and wish to try again. It's hard to wrap your head around it. I wrote about this at various points on my thread if you ever want to read more and see how others' responded.
I understand what Nicole says, in no world is this fair. the pain and suffering LBS goes thru and yet while DB is for a better life for LBS the main intent is to work towards R. I think it is okay to stand up for the MR and to keep hope alive, because it shows integrity and strength of character. All of us here are not evil people who ruined our Ss life, we made mistakes like most other married couples do but are unfortunate that we end up here instead. I would say go with what the DB coach says and bring up going dark with your coach too and get their perspective on it as well. Be strong there will be better times ahead. I may not feel it for my own sitch, that is always the case with all of us, that is why we need the mutual support.
Cory, I just discovered your thread and have skimmed through. As you know by now these stories run very similarly.
I saw you ask how respect is restored. I don't have all the answers but I have seen improvement in my own and believe to have gained some insight.
For the time being, you are not just you the person, but you the situation. At some point, WW decided to quite this sitch. All that has been and was good is a threat to this decision. This is why we stop pursuing.
How do you restore what was? IMO, your best chance is to remove the pressure. All that is contained in this group will aid in this. It will not happen quickly. You can speed it up by doing what is said here. Pursue and plead and all the stuff you see in the movies will do the opposite. Only then will she be able to break the fog.
Once You the sitch has removed the pressure and only then will you have created an atmosphere for change in her heart. But wait, there's more. You need to take this time to evaluate what went wrong. Not the part that just she contributed but the only part you can correct. It's not easy. It's personal growth and will benefit you regardless of how this turns out.
If you want her back, this is the first step. All the backstory and childhood stuff can be address only after the pressure is removed.
Good luck and God bless.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
I agree, you have to respect yourself more than your desire to chase someone that doesn't want to be with you. If you start respecting yourself more by following what Sandi has laid out eventually you will see a shift in your R. My shift started at about the 6 month mark.
When the shift occurs it still doesn't mean they want to recon but it is your best shot. That combined with turning yourself into ass kicking machine is really the only way.
If you do both those things and you still end up D there is not much else you can do IMO.
The one thing that is different in all of these sitch's is the spouse on the other end. Some might wake up when the A is exposed. Some might wake up if the LBS tells them to leave the house. Some might get scared and say they want a D and never file. Others will move out, file, get D'd and then at some point in time wake up many years later. Other move out, file and never look back.
The only thing you can do is put yourself in the best possible position to succeed whether that is with or without your MR saved.
Thanks so much guys for all of the input, I do appreciate the help through this entire process...It is interesting that I so feared signing the D papers but that has actually seemed to give me some perspective..I now have nothing left to lose so I have nothing to FEAR... Once the BD, I immediately did the painful, job of looking at what I contributed to the break-up (with my therapist) and we've been working on the those issues..Originally with my intent to win her back but it has morphed into doing it to better myself, which is the correct reason for change.. I have noticed a couple of things that I have done that have helped me tremendously...The 1st was throwing myself into the gym daily and using the anger as motivation to be in my best shape since High School...The confidence I get from accomplishing those physical goals helps to take my focus off of my sich, plus even though I'm struggling inside my outside appearance is confident.. 2nd, I read a book called This Break up won't Break you, which is directed toward men...It also, uses some brain science and explains the chemical reactions taking place that help explain the emotions that I'm going through, which are similar to a cocaine addict going through withdrawals...Really insightful and the first thing it talks about is No Contact, which is exactly everyone'd advice on here... Speaking of No Contract, I've been doing a great job and even though its only been 2 days with complete no contact I have been very proud of myself over the last couple of months only replying to her contact...Wouldn't you know it, she just texted me about something financial...It is interesting that my initial reaction was heart fluttering to hear from her but than I was dammit, I gotta break my NC and start over..I'll start another streak tomorrow.. It has been slow progress for me with extreme lows combined with a few ups but at least at this moment, I seem to have a direction that I'm committed to and gradually gaining confidence in myself...Thank-you
Cory, it's a strange and painful feeling to cut off contact but it does become a new type of norm. I hope NC will help along with everything else you're doing. It's great you're working to better yourself. What more can you do?!
C - Lifting weights, playing basketball, being a great father, this board, and taking my girls to church is what helped me get through the darkest moments.
I considered myself a very good DBer which ultimately saved me but did not save my marriage. By all accounts I was a good husband and father before BD but when someone wants out bad enough there is little you can do. Just know it is more about them than you and even though it currently [censored] you will find peace.
