Picking up Her MESS #3 and is getting Worse

[marina7]

Update and journaling,
Well not much here in my world all I can say what I have learn is Patients,forgiveness and is a slowwwww process.

I thought once I filed my S10 would be home already but it's been the longest battle I have fought my whole life S9 and d10 are doing great mentally I honestly would had been in worse shape if it wasn't for my 3 kids. I see s10 every other weekend and other 2 kids go with XW every other weekend's I don't have them.

XW is still lost I see angry sometimes, happy or just sad. XW has not monster in a while but this weekend XW monster about taxes and XW vehicle not working and it was all my fault I honestly said sorry you feel that way but I gotta go. I realized I had a panic attack when XW monster on me I felt my chest caving in I couldn't breathe I simply said bye and drove off.

I am praying for all this to be over soon with my s10 he needs to be home with us. My therapist suggested a Feeling box which me and kids did a Feeling robot they write there feelings down and put in the Robot well my s10 wrote some of his feelings all I can say my son is mentally broken and in lots of pain where d10 and s9 been in therapy for over 6months and they are in a better place mentally. I feel the system to protect our kids have failed me all I hear from Gal and my lawyer is this is a process but in my mind and my thoughts is while this is a process my kids are breaking down because they been separated. So sad to see our kids hurt and we can't save them just be there when break downs happens.

I have been taken care of myself as much I can I still have my breakdowns and am myself sometimes in a fog I feel hopeless but there is days I am strong mentally and physically.

I have had 2 breast surgery to remove cysts now getting ready for 2nd surgery for my nerve pain stimulator that was place in my spine it has shifted and moved and replace new wires so basically redoing surgery I had done almost a yr ago.

Kids and I try to do as much we can especially any events that are free as you know not working, XW and I still in process court to get s10 back with me and child support. Lawyers bills piling up I pay them what I can. Financial am so screwed is scary to not know what next month could bring we live a day at a time. As long rent and bills are paid and enough food to eat we are bless.

I was once a stander but XW has done so much damage is crazy the thought of how can I even look pass what XW has done. XW has said couple of times that she would die if anything happen to me. I will always be her love of her life blah blah blah...XW tries to yoyo me back in but I won't fall for it. I know this much W is very selfish till this day W has not offer me anything food or even money so sad to see someone I knew no longer that person who once was an amazing W and mom. Now I am scared when W has the 3 kids together. They take care of themselves XW is either sleeping or on her phone or snapchat.

Thank you everyone for letting me vent.