Great gig last night in L.A. with ten musicians on stage, playing the entirety of my friend's newest album. As I've mentioned before, they are all serious big time musicians, well known session musicians, people with PhDs in music, people with Grammys and Bammies. Then little old amateur me on the vibraphone.
I played well and think we sounded great. CMM came with me and helped me cart around my gear. He was very impressed. One of my sona was there too, he hadn't seen me play the vibraphone before, he was very impressed too!
On a different, sadder note: a good friend of mine, who I've known for almost 40 years, was admitted to the hospital last week with critical heart failure and is on the transplant list, I just saw him and his wife a week before, they had just had their first grandchild and had just moved back to California after spending a few years in D.C. - in fact they are still in a temporary apartment until their tenant moves out of their house. They were poised to enjoy retirement and new grandchild and now his condition has suddenly decompensated.
It just reminds me, for those of us here - no matter where you are in your divorce or recovery, DONT FORGET TO LIVE!!!!
Also my middle son got to meet CMM for the first time and texted me later that he was "cool" and gave him a thumbs up. This is my very empathic child so that's a good sign.
Ok, have seen some more of CMM and been doing more information gathering.
Still not sure about his finances but he seems to have no difficulty paying for dates in the short term and proposing things like buying season tickets for the theatre in the fall (yes he's getting ahead of himself as we've only been dating a month).
I did however learn something last night that's a little concerning. I mentioned that I was still a little skittish after my experience with crazy exBF and that after all, I hadn't even met any of his friends yet.
He then proceeded to rack his brain for friends he could introduce me to and it became clear that he hasn't had much of a social life. Now, there are some reasons for that. His wife's alcoholism scotched many attempts at couples friendshiis. He, like all of us, lost some friends in the divorce. His kids are grown and gone and his social life used to revolve around their school activities. He moved about 45 minutes away, like I did, for financial and work reasons. And he was out of commission with a serious knee injury for quite some time shortly after his divorce which kept him from getting around.
I recognize that those are a lot of challenges, and truthfully, I don't have as many friends since my divorce either, although I have a best friend and a life full of family. I also made new friends through the rock band class I took after my divorce. But it's a bit of a red flag that he hasn't maintained his friendships better and may speak to a depressive episode after his divorce. It may also explain his clingy tendency with me. We will see.
Btw he's not a hermit. He plays chess at the chess club and golfs. Plus his job in sales has him interacting with people. I think he's just been lonely.
You guys are right. In our conversations, he mentioned how his exW made him feel like less of a man because she was such an earner and his contributions often went overlooked. I understand wanting to feel like "the man" and I will let him come to me. He did really enjoy wining and dining me, and I enjoyed it as well.
I was telling him about a light bulb that is out in my house but I am 2 inches too short to change it. He said he would change it for me:). Good sign I would guess.
I do need to slow my roll and let him come to me. As much as I would like to invite him for dinner, he can come to me. Tonight he has a "manBBQ" at a coworker's house where only men are allowed. I am going to have some apps and drinks with a friend at a nice steakhouse in the area where there is outdoor seating. The weather is gorgeous here today. 70's, sun, and finally, no humidity!
And to be mentioned. D10's phone screen cracked again after her dad got it fixed. She did drop it, but it has a good case, and it shouldn't have cracked that easily. She is flipping the F out. Almost shaking at how her dad is going to react. She texted her stepmother and she said to not even tell him I am so sad my daughter is so fearful of her father's reactions. I just hate him sometimes.
kml - One thing that surprised me in hindsight about my ex - and one or two other people I've met - was that these seemingly out-going and friendly people have a very limited social circle.
If we wanted to toss around words like "cluster-B" we could suggest that my ex had difficulty forming close bonds with people. She certainly was not open at all about herself, her past and her feelings to anyone, including me. She did tend to attract clingy people and was herself a clingy, demanding person who needed constant validation. It used to bother me that she would attract and be happy with attracting people who were certainly on the needy end of the scale.
When we first met, she was very clingy to me demanding (and receiving) all of my time and attention. Despite her varied acquaintances and experiences she had one single solitary close friend. Oddly, she is an extrovert while I'm an introvert. At that same time I had perhaps 5 or 6 very close friends many of whom she isolated me from.
On the surface, my ex is a charming, outgoing person with a bubbly personality. The reality - well - I don't really know. And this is a woman that I spent more than half of my life with and who I was devoted to.
What I have found with encountering these sort of people is that they tend to have blank areas in their past that they absolutely refuse to discuss. Perhaps times and places where they behaved badly. For my ex, it was around the first boyfriend she moved in with as a teen and her time working on the stock exchange where I am confident that she made a number of unwise choices.
I know that for people where I've encountered these blank spots that they just close their mouth. Not say that they don't want to talk about it, or that it's none of my business. They just stop talking or loudly and aggressively change the subject.
So - yes - red flag perhaps. Are there areas of his past that are a blank spot?
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
