I read my post from yesterday, and I want to clarify one thing. You have to figure out for yourself what R you want going forward. You have to figure out how to ask for it. You have to figure out how to tell her that going back to the old pre-crisis R is unacceptable and will likely lead to another crisis. You have to ask her what she expects from the R and you respectively as well.
In general, it will be easier if you come clear that you know about the A. You don't want to accuse her (she had her reasons for the A and wanting to leave you, you need to respect that). You may want to point out that you do not want to have to go through that again.
I got through a very similar situation, over a longer period of time. My wife went through the same stages as yours - hostility, alienation, then appeasement and reconciliation. At that time, I knew that the A had been over for a while. So, I decided not to bring it up at all (she knew I knew though). But we had some serious R talks.
