WAW - managing limbo period

[40free]

It's been a few days since my last post, and there has been quite a lot of activity since we made the decision to proceed with our split last week. Mostly more bad DB'ing on my part, and we'll see if that has a positive or negative effect over the coming days....

Over the weekend, I had a feeling that that despite my request for her to move out, the advice she was getting from her L was to stay put in the house until the financial settlement is final at the end of the D process. 6-8 months more of being under the same roof, if she gets her way, and not something I felt was fair to put on me, nor that I thought I could handle. I spent Sunday evening working through how I would broach this with her, and concluded that she should know how I feel and that, rightly or wrongly, she needed a jolt of reality to see if that helped.

Monday morning I asked her directly what her L had told her. She confirmed that the L had reiterated that she was absolutely not to leave the house as it would 'undermine her parental control' and 'put her at the mercy of my goodwill when it came to the kids and money'. Ridiculous and false. She said having reflected over the weekend, she agreed. And unfortunately, having contained my emotions like a good DB'er for the best part of 9 weeks, this was the hair trigger that my mind was waiting for and it all came out.

I told her that this was clearly a L speaking, and that it completely ignores the fact that their are human emotions at play here. I reminded of all the pain and stress she had put me through over the last few months (having to discover her affair, not being in a position to kick her out because our kids were studying for important exams and so having to live through all that sh*t acting normal, then giving her space for 8 weeks whilst she ummed and aahed and still saw the OM, changed her mind several times about how she felt, then having to finally help her make the decision to separate, and now this). I told her waiting 6-8 months for the D to be final might be something she could put up with (she doesn't feel anything for me other than platonically), but it wasn't something I could live with - and this could not only affect our relationship and the outcome of our D but might also impact on the kids, who will wonder what the hell is going on.

I reminded her again that my L said there should be no issue with her moving out provided we confirmed this should not prejudice her position regarding the kids or money, and I asked her again to have her L speak to mine to resolve. She said she would... again. And she also said her L said the next steps were for me to file and for us to see a mediator. We hadn't even agreed we were moving to D, but seems she had got there because of what her L said about not moving out.

I said a whole load of other stuff as well about her disrespecting me and me losing respect for her. Didn't go down well. Obviously.

I know, I know. I broke all the rules, likely made her all the more certain she doesn't want to stay with me (but she didn't anyway), and for sure made her more determined to protect her rights. Afterwards I was so cross with myself, and reeling emotionally - it seemed I had managed to undo all that hard work I put in over a good few weeks, and she will definitely not forget and probably hold it against me. But now she knows how I feel, and just maybe, now she has seen me lose it completely for the first time, it might wake her up out of her alien behaviour and get her acting like a decent human being. Or maybe I'm dreaming....

In the conversation, I also asked her directly when the last time was she saw the OM was. She said 19 May. I was reminded that on that day, I saw that she was all glammed up and clearly heading out somewhere, and I actually remember asking her if she was going to see him that day as I knew it was exactly a year since they got together. She said no, with literally no hesitation. And I believed her. Fool that I was. And we had a few minutes talk there and then about how the limbo period was torture for me, that constantly being concerned about what she was doing when she went out or when I went out was destroying me, and that she just needed to decide one way or the other. This was of course all before I discovered DB and I got everything wrong. And literally the day before she had told me she was so torn about what to do and writing pros and cons of staying or leaving. So, apparently after being so in conflict with herself, she still managed to lie through her teeth (as she does) and see him that day, but it seems has not done so since. So she says. Maybe my speech that day helped a little. Or maybe she is lying to me again now. Probably the latter.

So anyway that was all yesterday. Today, I saw my L, summarized, what went on. She was supportive, not surprised I had finally flipped having been a coiled spring for so long, and said we would try to L to L route to see if we could get her to move out. No surprise that she had not heard from W's L since yesterday.

We also decided that rather than have her take the initiative and be in control, as my W suggested, I would proceed to file for D on the grounds of adultery. Big step I know. And heartbreaking to decide to do that, but if she really won't move out, and I decide I won't either, then we just have to get going. And as I am the one filing, I could also pull it at any time, in the very unlikely circumstance that she does a 180 herself. Very unlikely.

It was pretty emotional handing over my marriage certificate and my L saying I wouldn't see it again. But I think this is for the best. She is definitely not coming back, and I really don't think I could take her back now anyway.

I do feel better today. More in control of my emotions. Focused on planning what to tell the kids (we agreed we would do this next Saturday 7th), and also on working out what living arrangements will be and thinking about finances. We will also try to start mediation, probably next week, as both L's suggest this as a way forward.

Funnily enough, taking the decision to file seems to be helping me with the detachment process. Seeing W as a neighbour not a partner does help, and I do feel different. But this is a rollercoaster and no doubt tomorrow I'll feel cr*p again. What a lot of fun this is.

No specific questions to ask you today. Comments always welcome - whether they are chastising or supportive. It's good to know you're out there and there if I do need you.

I'm off to read Doodler's posts again. They do cheer me up..