it all hit me tonight...so depressed!!!

[hongaku]

She is lost, but you cannot find her. She must find herself. You must find yourself.

I know how hard it is to let go, I am having a great deal of difficulty with it myself. But the fact remains that we must learn to let go. I have resorted to a detached, business-like demeanor w/my W. I realized that there is nothing I can do to get through her wall of ice. Nothing I can say, no amount of warmth on my end will mean anything right now.

I am not giving up, and neither should you. But it is good sometimes to make a tactical withdrawal and save your love for your W for later when she is ready for it - if it happens at all. You cannot control her, you cannot reason with her right now. If she is bringing up stuff from that long ago (mine does that, too), then she is harboring deep resentment and probably a significant lack of respect for you (and with the respect, so goes the love). She must work through that on her own and you must work on yourself so that if she ever does come around, you will be able to show her that you have legitimately worked on yourself and made meaningful lasting change for yourself. This is what GAL and 180s really mean. Detachment is for you. It just so happens that it potentially makes you more enticing for your W down the road. But you cannot fix her, you cannot find her and you cannot help her. You do you and deal with the now. Deal with the present and focus on your kids. Let your W go for now - there is literally nothing you can actively do to help the sitch other than working on YOU.