Can I really do this #3

[Dtrmned]

Thanks for the insight and just the ear to vent to.
I am still in disbelief and I am shaken to my core that the two women that I love more than anything, my wife and daughter, both believe such horrible thoughts about me. I am not in a "pity" me mode, just shocked. If you looked at our pictures and past, you would see nothing but smiles.

[Dtrmned]

thoughts on getting a DB coach at this point???

[Dtrmned]

just a little bump hoping for some input

[arsh18]

JS, ouch what your D said must have really hurt. But she is a teenager so she is going to act like one. In many ways the WAS is like a teenager, saying things intentionally to hurt, rebellion, mood swings and regrets later on, but your teenage D also loves you with all her heart and dont forget that. No matter how close she is to your W, you are her father her rock. Try making a connection with her, very slowly. Show interest in what she does, she might be suspicious at first but when you stick to it she will respect that you are trying. She is old enough to understand the dynamics between her parents and this will create more confusion in her mind. Dont doubt her love for you, she may not show it to you now, but at the most critical junctures of her life she will always want you.
about the DB coach, I havent had one myself, but if you are contemplating it then you should get one. I am sure they will have more insight and directed advice for you.
- Arshi

[Dtrmned]

Uneventful afternoon and evening (except for my kids).

Crazy, but W and D are now calm and for the most part cordial and polite. Had a brief convo with D and she was just chatting briefly and pleasantly. Didn't dwell too long and didn't push. Smiled and laughed with her and engaged. Happy on that end. If we are talking, we can get better.

As far as W, nothing to report. No mention of scheduling the mediation. No real conversation, just questions with brief answers on the kids. She did reach over around 2am and held my arm for about half an hour. I'm a very light sleeper. I know this meant absolutely nothing to her, but just to be touched for a moment. This situation is awful. I am so lonely and I am positive and acting as if whever I am home. It is not fake, but sometimes it is putting your best face on. W apparently didn't sleep too well either. I was up around 5 and hit the eliptical and heard her come down for coffee around 530. Her sleep patterns have been off lately. She usually would get up around 7 or even 8 if the kids were home. Now it is usually around 6-630. If she seems troubled, it is 5. A few times it has been 4 or even earlier. Most of the time I am up already anyway. I just notice how things are. I know I will never know, but "What is going on in her mind?" I know, which moment in time is it since it can change instantly and they don't even know what they are thinking.

Who knows what today will bring. Me, its doing anything to rebuild the relationship with my D. This one will take many baby steps, but she's my baby girl.

Still struggling a bit daily to get back to concentrating on anything BUT this.

Need opinions on this. W mentioned moving to another city that we had planned to move to prior. I looked into a position and I have 3 that are interested, 2 sending offer letters. Not a gold mine by any stretch, but I could make it happen. Problem is that the best way to handle it would be for my family to stay and live together. This is just financial as the other city is more expensive 2 households would be just impossible (and of course I wouldn't be paying for that, she would have to pay for her own household).

How do I handle this in a conversation and it would have to happen this week so its not like I could put it off?

The ONLY way I could be comfortable with the relocation would be if we were together and working towards our R. Outside of that, I would be very uncomfortable moving the issue forwards and counting on her to follow through with her side.

I believe she would see this as pursuing and controlling. "He wants to control me by making us live together" or something like that.

BUT, if I had to do it without her, I could stretch it and make it (knowing I'd be paying child support). Its 90 minutes away so W would have to move as well. Not my problem, but it is if she can't rent or lease anything let alone pay for it and my kids are going to be there half the time. I also don't want to get set up. I move and she doesn't and all of a sudden she is saying she wants the kids full time. Weird how you think this way in this situation where as before you would have never thought of your spouse as capable of contemplating that against you.

[Dtrmned]

How do I respond to this:

W just sends an email that says "Lease" and attached a link to our property management company about early termination. Nothing else. No thoughts, words, etc. Just the link.

Do I just respond "ok ?" or do I not respond. I don't know.

She says she has "no plan" which I totally believe as if there was a plan, she would have made some action prior to this. Is this just to get a reaction? She has no job, may get some money from her parents, but unless either signs for her, she will never get approved for a rental and I doubt parents would sign for a lease.

[SteveLW]

I would just ignore it for now. If it becomes important you can address it later. Could be related to the move to the other city?

On the move, I would hold pat on that as well. It does sound like it might be a way for her to get you to move forward on S and eventually D without her having to lift a finger. Just like with D, make her do the work for S too. Tell her you are supportive of a move to the other city next time she brings it up and leave it at that.

[sandi2]

I am still in disbelief and I am shaken to my core that the two women that I love more than anything, my wife and daughter, both believe such horrible thoughts about me.

Now wait just a minute. Let's get something straight here. Your D is not a wayward woman.....she is a child reacting to the situation between her parents! Your W is the wayward woman.....and don't you dare group them together in your head!

Now put your big boy pants on and start acting like a grown-a$$ man who can take a few hurtful words his child spits out when she is emotionally upset.

[Dtrmned]

Sandi,
Thank you and no I am not lumping them together. I know my D is struggling and she is connecting more with her Mother than with me presently. Mom is self-absorbed and is home all of the time with her. Obviously the opportunities for them to connect, gossip, hang out, etc. are greater. And the fact my W is wayward helps. I see W engaging with D on teen tv shows, boys at school, her girlfriend issues, etc. There has definitely been a shift in these conversations over the last few months. W was always interested in being a Mom to her D but now you just tell the conversations are more between fellow teen friends than a M/D conversation.

I was very hurt by this and YES I do need to get a much thicker skin going through this. There are times that I forget how intuitive my D is. She is smart, intelligent, canniving, manipulative, caring, loving, happy and sad. So she is a teenager and still just a kid. She views her mom as the hero now for standing up for herself. But she is a kid and knows nothing with regard to the real world and how her life may change because of this change. I am not fatalistic, more realistic. W made a comment about a month ago that my D was going to make sure she can support herself and won't need anyone else. I agreed wholeheartedly. I believe that 2 people come together in a marriage and work together. They do not get married so one can simply take care of the other. That is not a marriage. On some levels our MR did spiral down to that level and due to the health issues then the financial issues, we never quite made it out of that pit. We both lost ourselves along the way and forgot who we were and that we were a great team. She checked out dealing with the health issues and the tons of medications. I mishandled the financial crisis very poorly. We just didn't support each other and kind of turned on each other. We both are hurt by what happened through no fault of our own on either side. This can work out or not.

But thanks Sandi on keeping me straight. As I said earlier today, the small interaction with my D yesterday was fantastic. I am slowly but surely going to move the needle. I will always be there for her. She is my Daughter and I love her. This is not her fault and I did not want her to have issues with this. Unfortunately, all I can do now is mitigate the issues, support her as her father, and get her into some therapy along the way.

Son made a point last night when he hugged us both to say "I love you both Mommy and Daddy" He is being affected too. He is the little fixer who wants everything to be happy and a family. I need to focus on my kids more.

[Dtrmned]

Been home for a couple of hours already. Did some work, got in a run and now just on my computer. W hasn't said a word about the email regarding the early termination on the home. Don't know if she is waiting until later, but her usual MO is that the later it gets, the more she fades into pain land, heating pad and done for the day which means no interaction.

I am the rock and the lighthouse for my family. My children, my W and myself. I have much work to do and making sure my kids are ok are #1. Good convo with the company that is making me an offer today, we pretty much worked things out in theory, now we are just putting it in writing. Good opportunity if it could work. Presently I think it is a pipe dream due to the fact that W has nowhere to go. I couldn't afford 2 households and I will not live 90 minutes away from my children. Still contemplating how to approach this when things are truly in writing. Since the 4th is next week, I think I can stretch it out through that week and tell them I would give them a firm answer by the 9th, but that still doesn't give much time.

Nothing I can do except try to put it together and then have the conversation. I don't believe there is any way that my W can afford or get approved to live anywhere presently. Unemployed and no income. Even with a starter job, there is no history so I don't know how that would work. Not my problem on most levels, but it is when it concerns our children.

Another small conversation with my D today. She was pleasant and good. Giving her her space as well, not pushing, but showing interest and listening to her and shutting up! (BIG problem for me is the throwing up of words on people).

Presently, everyone is away in their little spaces as we are getting ready for dinner. It is very hot so no one eats that much when it is so hot. Good for the weight loss I guess!! Drinking tons of water. Feel ok today. Sunday was hard with the D dropping her harsh words but I know she is just lashing out as she doesn't know how to handle this (thanks Sandi!). Yesterday just in my head a lot, but held up ok when I got home. Better today even though I posted a lot working through this stuff and getting some feedback always helps.

I am committed more than ever to detachment. My W will do what she is going to do anyway. I can only control my actions and reactions.

Again (saying this to myself more than anyone) I am the rock and the lighthouse for my family. I will be here no matter what for my children, my wife and myself. I will never give up!