Going the Distance (Saying ILY Pt. 6)

[SteveLW]

V, I like your final advice, though I would word it differently. LOL

I also like that you say it isn't a disease. We attach the term "disorder" and "disease" to things all of the time when we shouldn't. Because in all of this there is choice.

And yes, this is where I disagree with you (similar to my response to OK), being a victim IS a choice. I have counseled countless people that were victims of abuse, and even when the cold hard facts were presented to them, they refused to believe it. These are rational, intelligent humans that were making a choice to not believe it.

In one case, an abuser with a drug problem went off to the military. I counseled this woman to please make sure, if she got back together with him, to get out of dodge. He had too many fellow addicts and drug connections in their hometown for him to have a chance. I equated it to a chocoholic living in a house of chocolate. She ignored me. Had 2 kids with him, and within 4 years he was back into his drug addiction and trying to kill her for leaving him. Red flags and warnings were all over the place. She CHOSE to ignore them.

Another woman was beaten by her bf. I counseled her that ONE time was ONE time too many. She left him. Then she went back to him. He had changed (though there was no IC or anything to change him). They married and within the first year he beat her so badly she was hospitalized. She left him for good after that but it all could have been avoided if she had had a higher standard for change.

Another woman was also beaten by her husband one time. She was going to leave, but the H got IC, intensive therapy. Admitted to having a problem and changed. They are happily married 30 years after the incident with no repeat of the incident. Proving change can happen in the abuser, but it takes work. And it takes the victim ENFORCING real change, and not enabling by glossing over it.

No I am not a trained counselor, nor do I claim to be. But I have counseled privately with many others in abusive relationships, some successfully, some not so much.

But the truth is they all have a choice. Both abuser and victim. (Note, I know you touched on this with: "But we have to know why we were a target, otherwise as I see over and over it's the same abuser with a different face. To me this means as a target we examine who we are, explore the reason and grow through this. Otherwise we R or we choose a new predator." But many many many victims do NOT do that self-examination and therefore DO bear some blame for being in the abusive R over and over again.)