Going the Distance (Saying ILY Pt. 6)

[Vanilla]

All of this is gaslighting and it is an abuse technique.

It doesn't matter if someone is disordered or not, if the experts can't agree on it then sure as tell freezes over amateurs can't.

I am now an abuse counsellor, mainly for women at the moment or in single sexed R. On this board I have seen and read some terrible things. Awful stuff.

I know this is true, I often have difficulty persuading posters here that their R is abusive. I have even had posters tell me about rape, poisoning, theft, TRO and arrests and still the poster denies it.

Poor disordered wayward spouse will snap out of it, get back to being the sweetie that they were originally. This will not happen, the sweetie pie is a fiction a projection and NOT REAL. There is no MLC, no wakeup, no return to the sugary love bombing stage unless it too is part of a cycle.

Let me be even clearer I am not referring to the majority of sitches based on walkaways where both parties need a kick up the backside.

I am saying abuse and to my great horror in the early days here, I didn't call it clearly enough. I hope by doing so I encourage the LBS to think on it.

Let's just talk about narc behaviour, not all narc are abusers although without exception abusers map on the narc scale. Narcissism is a characteristic not a disease, it implies a certain behaviour which marks very high on a scale. Generally as abusers get older they get higher on the narc scale. Then ultimately they decompensate.

Narc scores go up and down over time, we all need a narc score between 8 and 14 to have healthy self interest.

The G is a psychopath now called anti social personality disorder. And sociopath is the over riding definition for cluster B. In the same way that the genus Cat includes lions, tigers and moggies. Some traits are less fatal than others. Having no conscience ranks pretty high on the fatal list.

Some types have low self esteem others have high off the planet. Yet others are addicts and compulsive (also fairly fatal) with poor self soothing skills. They all fit the definitions.

Yet others have physiological illness like depression or mania or both in the package call bipolar. These are not character disorders as is schizophrenia or anxiety. They are physiological ones. But as a wise Cadet once pointed out to me, they can be co morbid with cluster B. There are other disorders too.

So it takes an expert to diagnose. My GP diagnosed the G as manic anti social with addiction. It was in my medical charts as I have complex PTSD (also not a disorder).

So let's go back to abuse, abuse is about CONTROL, getting resources. These peeps are masters at spotting the susceptible. We walk around with neon signs saying ripe for picking. They are clever, manipulative, and predators. You are prey, you are a target which they will come to pick clean. In decompensating state (which is often seen in the MLC section) they can be quite randomly evil.

You can't love these folk better, you can't get them to realise what an awesome human you are, and unless they want more flesh from your bones they won't even fake it. You can't guilt or Shane them. It is in their character to be this way.

Further they have been doing this all their lives and awareness is new to the LBS being abused. Abuse comes in lots of flavours.

This includes anti social abuse such as in my sitch and your Orange. Getting you arrested and lying is clear indication. Persuading you to spend money to buy them a Porsche and have the loan in your name another. Trying to steal the LBS and the MH, separate the LBS from their children yet another anti social.

But often it's hard to persuade the target to read abuse. Once you know then you can never unknown.

Let's address responsibility of the LBS, am I saying blame? Not at all.

Orange is right this is not the targets fault. Ever.

But we have to know why we were a target, otherwise as I see over and over it's the same abuser with a different face. To me this means as a target we examine who we are, explore the reason and grow through this. Otherwise we R or we choose a new predator.

You can't win with these predators, but you can survive and later thrive. The raptor has a huge chunk of you and can use children to abuse. By being the safe secure boundary setting parent you clear the path to knowledge for children. Reuniting with these abusers or placating destroys children.

The abuser is after resources, all of them, for their new lives and can pull every trick they know. That is why I always advise that a DNA test is done on kids as it cuts the possibly of that manipulation tactic. So get pat tests.

The focus on your sitch is on YOU. The ways to get through a D with these folks is to have the end goal in mind. And that will always be the best for the kids, getting joint custody or sole if the sitch is very crazy, stay in the MH as that makes custody issues clearer, have enough cash to live. Broadly that is the very best you can do, sometimes the abusers just discard and do a runner.

So I have written about observer mode, which isn't detachment but a technique that can be used to give breathing space. It means that you document like a journalist and stay away. Does it mean not doing the loop we loop? No. These sitches are sometimes so crazy and nuts that it can be distressing to an extreme. Detaching isn't always possible. But not reacting or shooting yourself in the foot is possible.

Count yourself lucky if you get out of the trench intact with these predators.

So stop reacting. Document record and get a great L. And STFU to your abuser.

My thoughts

V