V - I've tried reading about abuse multiple times and it's hard to figure out whether someone is officially an abuser, meaning they'll always be one, when they were never that way before over the span of a decade or two and then suddenly they become raging mad and abusive. This is what happened in my case, although with my husband it was just for a few weeks that he was abusive (just with words and tone of voice), and with Arsh it seems the same - she says her husband was never that way before. It seems there are two categories like chronic abusers and situational abusers or something like that. My understanding is when someone has always been an abuser we have no choice but to divorce and get away ASAP. But what about someone who has been kind and gentle and then just flips a switch one day? And then settles down again a while later. It seems to me this is different and while we shouldn't tolerate any kind of abuse, this person is acting out-of-character. What we fail to recognize often here is how great and wonderful many of our spouses were before BD and how happy we were, oftentimes for many years. Anyway your advice for Arsh sounds right and she shouldn't validate or tolerate abuse but I do wonder about the phenomenon of someone changing so drastically and suddenly.
Arsh, so your husband wouldn't let you visit your mom even if you tell him she's sick? OR not even for two weeks? If that's the case and he's preventing you from leaving or making your own choices about seeing your own family then that really does sound like abuse! Maybe he's concerned about finances or you traveling alone with the kids but I'm sure those things can be worked out. I wish you could get away but it sounds like you don't view it as an option. I hope you can get through this stage and soon have more freedom.
