Thank-you everyone for your words of encouragement and support. You motivated me to keep my head held high, remain dignified and confident, and acted as if I was moving on with my life during the D papers signing. I could tell my W wanted to engage in conversation, what did you do today, etc, and I kept my answers short and to the point. A 180 from how I've been engaging an listening the last couple of weeks and I can't help but think that I've missed an opportunity to continue to open that communication..But I tried to follow everyone's advice and lovingly detach and drop the rope..It literally took 4 minutes to wipe out 12 years of marriage..As we were leaving my wife walked out with me to the car ramp, I could tell she wanted to converse, but I wished her a safe trip, she is going to Vermont for business and then a couple of days of finding herself and continued walking on...Once again, I can't help but feel I missed an opportunity to open communication but like so many people said she has to feel what life will be like without me there for support...
I continued to walk around the city in a fog for an hour or two so proud of what I was able to accomplish in that ridiculously short meeting...However, after a couple hours of reflection there are NO WINNERS in my situation..If I do manage to hit the lottery and somehow my W comes to her senses than we have years of trust building and piecing our lives back together...If she wins, this is it...I've lost the love of a lifetime,my best friend, and all of the amazing experiences that we share forever..The bottom line is her moment of selfishness led to our lives forever being changed for the worse, as well as the lives of our family and friends forever being negatively affected...There doesn't seem to be any going back and repairing all of the damage, maybe that is why she is rushing to put this behind her and rushing through the D...Maybe she is smarter than I am and can see the writing on the wall while I'm foolishly clinging to our motto of "We can handle anything as long as we have each other"...I don't know the answers and quite frankly my mind has had enough...I'm an intelligent man that relies on facts and has a great intuition of reading people because that is what I do for a living...Yet, I still refuse to give up hope that I hold that winning lottery ticket..Maybe after I have finally suffered enough Pain and Sorrow, I will wake up, be a man, pick my self up and kick myself in the ass and move forward to finding someone else who will cherish me..Its just right now my heart and intuition is saying not yet...I write this as I sit here in amazement that she hasn't contacted me tonite to discuss today,I was the epitome of the man she fell in love with, that just proves to myself how far gone from reality my perception is right now:-(
Thanks again, you people are all unbelievably amazing and great human beings for being here to support me and the other men/women who are suffering the same as I am..I can't tell you how therapeutic it is for me to get these ruminating thoughts out my head and know someone is listening..I will forever be grateful
