But here's the real mind-bender: She gave up and went back to watching TV; I go downstairs and her wallet is sitting right on her desk in the office! I ask her what's going on and she freely admits she was testing me.
How did you respond? Did she bother to tell you what the test was about? This is very unacceptable behavior, 44. She enjoys pulling your chain.
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She then initiates an R talk. Essentially, she tells me she doesn't like my detachment and the distance between us.
So, she doesn't like you being distance, but she wants to have space!
Let me interpret it, b/c this is written in WW code.
You being distant = You being unavailable to her.
Her having space = Her having privacy.
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She went a lot into how she doesn't think I could trust her again and she will always be criminalized, etc etc. I told her I know my own capacity for forgiveness, but that perhaps she is in a different place based on her previous comments about not knowing how to forgiv
This is an example of how a WW will pull the old switcheroo by putting words into the H's mouth......and it's usually something about not sure he can ever trust her again, yada, yada. It is WW b.s. Don't start telling her anything about your capacity to forgive, etc. Don't start trying to convince her that you'll forgive her, b/c that has nothing to do with her little game here. Don't say a word. Just look at her with a poker face. She needs to be concerned that you might not forgive her! Stop reassuring her that you are eager to forgive, or that you've already forgiven her. If she should ever truly become remorseful and repent, then you can tell her.
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She said she has been struggling with whether or not she should come to me and tell me all the details so that the record is straight and I know the truth. She also said she knows I think they are still in contact, and tried to assure me there is nothing there and if they do have any (infrequent) contact, it's about work (don't worry, I'm not eating this up). She said [the affair] was all talk and "talk is trash".
Of course she is in contact with him....she just admitted it! Why else would she be so secretive? She can use little quips to describe her affair, trying to make it sound insignificant, but it was an EA. She is still contacting him b/c she is addicted to how it makes her feel. Don't believe affair partners change their status from AP to just friends. If they are just friends, then she'll have no problem when you reach for her phone to look at her messages. That is what transparency is all about. The cheater cannot hide messages, and have secret/private "friendships". I guarantee you that she would not stand for you privately texting another woman!
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She flip-flopped a lot asking these sort of questions about if we could get past it, saying she still thinks she needs space, and also being pretty open to what I suggested. I didn't want to push too much, but I got the sense that if I proposed something specific, she might be willing to do it. Then again, she also brought up me leaving for a couple months again so who knows.
This conversation was to secure her position. I don't know how you responded, but you are afraid to push too much, so you must have sounded as if you were encouraging her to work on the MR. IMHO, when a WW is using these type of comments....she is testing her H. She is not serious about working on the MR. She is merely letting him know that she is still in charge. It would be better if he didn't say anything, and let her wonder what he's thinking.
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She won't say she wants a trial separation, she won't say she has a final answer and wants to be done, she won't say she wants to commit to trying again, etc. I asked her to look me and the eye and tell me she really wanted me to leave (temporarily) and she couldn't. The conversation ended with her saying she wants what is best for both of us and I should think about it and if it's more comfortable for me to stay here, she supports it. The topic is tabled once again and I leave for the party.
44, it is going to continue to be tabled! This is how she stays in charge of the relationship. Can you not see it? Why on earth are you waiting for a "final answer"? Remember after the confrontation talk, and how she left things unanswered? That kept her in charge and kept you dangling. She's done it again.
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I have to say the thing I am most happy about is her telling me how much I have changed. That tells me my efforts are getting me somewhere. I definitely think I have at least gained a little respect back at this point (and apparently a bit of attraction). I am treating any positive signs as just that and keeping my head down. Remembering it's a marathon and nothing is in a hurry. I still have a long way to go. I can also see my newfound objectivity. I am no longer hyper-focused on the idea of reconciling, but rather in doing what is best for me.
That's good to hear.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
