Expers Please Help!!! Walk Away Spouse after 6 yrs

[Nutcrac]

But I had to convey feelings to her and had to pursue as we are looming in with court date in just 2 weeks. I wanted to know where she stood. I did mention good points and I did mention some of the bad things. They may not have been perfect. But I had to convey something. Interestingly she has checked a different letter that I had hid in my cupboard which had heartfelt feelings.

Interesting choice of the word "had". No you didn't HAVE to. And even the hid in the cupboard is suspicious. Did you purposely hide it where you thought she'd find it?

Nope I did not. She somehow found my stuff.

If I say I called it quits, doesn't meant i can completely be done with it. Ya I called it quits because she had been demanding divorce since a long time. Now that I see she has feelings for me somewhere deep in her heart(Whether manipulative or not) she does want to live with me. I dont want to just give up like that. I will fight for her. She wanted me to do the same and instead I went Dark. That didnt work. Maybe should would have given some other lame excuse when I would be in touch with her. Now I am ready to face her wrath with my emotional strength that I have acquired. She does miss me. Unfortunately she has a callous and too much stubborn pride. I dont want divorce and then spoil the chances of reconciling later. I have conveyed this to her all along. She is not a WAYWARD. She is a WALK AWAY. I made mistakes, I keep doing mistakes, but I have come a long way since I was 6 months ago. From what I can see, her expectation from me is not to go NC, but do something else that lightens her heart. A bit of pursuit and show her love from distance. Complete NC or going Dark is not helping in my case.

Head in the sand my friend. She wants to live with you but she is still insisting on divorce?!? Listen to yourself! Pursuit is the fastest way to push a WAW out the door. Say goodbye if you choose pursuit.

My stitch is a unique situation unlike majority of the situation in the forum. See some of the quotes by Sandi2. You will know that this is a different situation. We both are emotionally attached. The issue is the pride in both of us causing us to live apart without responding.

Nothing I said was controlling or manipulative. I was just wishing her the best so we could part peacefully. However she does not want to cut off the relationship which is what I sensed from the call. She is hurt very bad and has a very stubborn ego and pride. I want that to be diffused as time goes by.

Those last two statements are the epitome of controlling and manipulative! "If only she wasn't so stubborn and prideful!" That is exactly want a controlling person says. "I want that to be diffused as time goes by." That might happen naturally one day, but I can tell you are going to try to "pursue" and "manipulate" that to happen on your timeline!

This is my feeling. I did not tell her that she has stubborn pride. Of course just because I say she has stubborn pride does not mean that I am controlling and manipulative. I need to stand my ground here by showing optimism and strong behavior. I simply dont want to give her divorce because she thinks I want it and am easily helping her by giving her hidden consent.

I could be controlling. But in the last few months I left her all by herself. I never bothered to ask her well being. Never contacted her, never even checked in on her. I went completely dark. She felt neglected and alone.

Admit it nutcrac, even your leaving her all by herself was a way to try to control her! You didn't do it to give her time and space for her, you did it to try to make her miss you!!

Steve85, I was completely Dark and NC and only picked her calls when she called. If you say that I was controlling and manipulative by going dark, sorry to say that is absurd. And I gave her space to miss me?? I gave her all the time in the world to get back to her senses and missing was not the reason. Trust me! Missing is a natural process that happens during the time she gets her space and time. Its not done by me at least! I should have probably allowed to take her belligerent rather than going NC or dark for long. The space didnt help a lot but caused more apathy towards me.

Like I said just because I called it quits,doesn't mean I am done with her. She has her own issues to deal with and I have mine. Initial days there was a lot of anger in me as well as her. I have mellowed down. At this point of time I am ready to go either way - With her or without her. I have nothing to loose. But what she wants is to be chased, being cared for and being loved. Not being left alone lonely and neglected. She has been very lonely, which I could see from her tone of voice.

Where are you getting that she wants to be chased??! Last I knew WAWs that demand divorce, the last thing they want is to be chased!!

Some women like my wife like to be chased. Else they feel unwanted. I know my wife. That is what she wants. If she wants to be chased i will do it. But I will also be within my limits.

I have pulled back enough. In the last 3 months I have had conversations with her only thrice. My only expectation was that she would accept the letter and move on and not fight back. That is not what she did. Look after divorce, I have no intention to pursue her. If anything at all it has to be before. She needs to learn that. She needs to understand. Her stubborn pride is not only causing self destruction on her part but destroying rest others as well. That is not how it needs to end. Since she has missed me enough, I will try and bridge the gaps slowly. and hopefully she will understand and come back. If not i will make her a fool to leave me. I have nothing to loose again. I am confident as ever. Even yesterday i think she fought back because of my confident tone that she had never heard from me all along. I feel i know that I am in control and this is one of the best feelings I have so far.
If she goes belligerent because I am withdrawing my consent, I don't give a damn. If she files a TRO, lodges a police complaint, I don't care. Let her do it. All I can say is, if we go by the book rule of DBing, It may not work perfect. If you are confident enough no matter what the outcome, I think your spouse would see it, which is what I have been doing. I don't give a damn to her BS. I still love her, I stand by it and I want her to take the all the tough steps to separate from me!

This is a very confusing paragraph. "I don't care what she chooses but I am going to pursue her!"

And finally nutcrac you talk about 3 months as if it is a long time. In most sitches 3 months is a blink of an eye. Good luck my friend you are going to need it. I fear you are going to create that which you fear. That is what pursuit and pressure of a WAW does.


This has been long for me as well as her. Its painful she is in a dilemma. She is going on an express train not realizing the after effects. She does not believe her own inner voice. All that she is doing is guided by her own ego and pride. But from the last conversation I realized she has so much anger in her that has subsided and she was able to let go off a lot of it and calm down, while i listened to her patiently. That is what I want to happen. So she can slowly let go off her anger towards me.