Expers Please Help!!! Walk Away Spouse after 6 yrs

[Nutcrac]

She read the letter and called me in a fit of rage. And went on about all the negative things in the letter. In the letter i mentioned that she had a personality defect that she cannot sense simple answers to explanations.

Whether you intended to or not, you blamed her for everything. You even went so far as to tell her she has a mental illness they may have caused everything. These were very damaging things to say. First we all would have told you not to give her that letter, second even if you decided to give it to her anyway it should have been an APOLOGY letter where you owned your mistakes.

I agree. The letter was not the best approach. But I had to convey feelings to her and had to pursue as we are looming in with court date in just 2 weeks. I wanted to know where she stood. I did mention good points and I did mention some of the bad things. They may not have been perfect. But I had to convey something. Interestingly she has checked a different letter that I had hid in my cupboard which had heartfelt feelings.

I processed her words for a while and decided to call this quits. So i texted her saying that it would be our last conversation and after divorce its better to not be in contact. So we both can move on respective lives ahead.

If you decided to call it quits then why contact her at all? You are using every excuse you can to engage her when you should be leaving her alone. You are just applying constant, overwhelming pressure to her.

If I say I called it quits, doesn't meant i can completely be done with it. Ya I called it quits because she had been demanding divorce since a long time. Now that I see she has feelings for me somewhere deep in her heart(Whether manipulative or not) she does want to live with me. I dont want to just give up like that. I will fight for her. She wanted me to do the same and instead I went Dark. That didnt work. Maybe should would have given some other lame excuse when I would be in touch with her. Now I am ready to face her wrath with my emotional strength that I have acquired. She does miss me. Unfortunately she has a callous and too much stubborn pride. I dont want divorce and then spoil the chances of reconciling later. I have conveyed this to her all along. She is not a WAYWARD. She is a WALK AWAY. I made mistakes, I keep doing mistakes, but I have come a long way since I was 6 months ago. From what I can see, her expectation from me is not to go NC, but do something else that lightens her heart. A bit of pursuit and show her love from distance. Complete NC or going Dark is not helping in my case.

As soon as i said that, she became belligerent and defensive and shouting.

Probably because you are trying to be controlling and manipulative.

Nothing I said was controlling or manipulative. I was just wishing her the best so we could part peacefully. However she does not want to cut off the relationship which is what I sensed from the call. She is hurt very bad and has a very stubborn ego and pride. I want that to be diffused as time goes by.

I disconnected the call and asked her to be peaceful so we can talk like adults and respectfully talk. Kept calling back and she was still belligerent.

Stop calling her.

I did.. But the disconnects helped as she mellowed down greatly and respected me. She did control her voice. If she straight away wanted divorce she could have manipulated by being too nice and indifferent and agreed for the last call. That is NOT WHAT SHE WANTS!!!

Anyways,i feel my wife is now exhibiting a lot of narcissistic traits. By calling me a narcissist she just projected her narcissistic feelings towards me.

I disagree, she does not sound at all narcissistic. I don't think you do either although I get the impression you are very controlling which she may be confusing with narcissism.

I could be controlling. But in the last few months I left her all by herself. I never bothered to ask her well being. Never contacted her, never even checked in on her. I went completely dark. She felt neglected and alone.

i feel after listening to her yesterday i should withdraw my consent to dissolution and start pursuing her as she was left alone. And be strong and confident in my pursuit.

You are really all over the place. You said earlier in your post that you decided to call it quits, now you're going into full-blown pursuit mode? How do you think that makes you look to her? Wildly inconsistent at best.

Like I said just because I called it quits,doesn't mean I am done with her. She has her own issues to deal with and I have mine. Initial days there was a lot of anger in me as well as her. I have mellowed down. At this point of time I am ready to go either way - With her or without her. I have nothing to loose. But what she wants is to be chased, being cared for and being loved. Not being left alone lonely and neglected. She has been very lonely, which I could see from her tone of voice.

I think you need a reset. This whole interaction was a bit of a disaster. Pull back and give her time and space. Study up on DB'ing, read the book again, read Cadet's links on the first page of your thread. Read Sandi's rules. Put it all into practice. Don't pick and choose what you want out of it, READ to UNDERSTAND.

I have pulled back enough. In the last 3 months I have had conversations with her only thrice. My only expectation was that she would accept the letter and move on and not fight back. That is not what she did. Look after divorce, I have no intention to pursue her. If anything at all it has to be before. She needs to learn that. She needs to understand. Her stubborn pride is not only causing self destruction on her part but destroying rest others as well. That is not how it needs to end. Since she has missed me enough, I will try and bridge the gaps slowly. and hopefully she will understand and come back. If not i will make her a fool to leave me. I have nothing to loose again. I am confident as ever. Even yesterday i think she fought back because of my confident tone that she had never heard from me all along. I feel i know that I am in control and this is one of the best feelings I have so far.
If she goes belligerent because I am withdrawing my consent, I don't give a damn. If she files a TRO, lodges a police complaint, I don't care. Let her do it. All I can say is, if we go by the book rule of DBing, It may not work perfect. If you are confident enough no matter what the outcome, I think your spouse would see it, which is what I have been doing. I don't give a damn to her BS. I still love her, I stand by it and I want her to take the all the tough steps to separate from me!