Going the Distance (Saying ILY Pt. 6)

[mtb1981]

Orange, thank you. I feel like our sitches have a lot in common. Everything about it $ucks. Especially the damage they have caused with the lies that I'm afraid she is to stubborn and headstrong to go back on...

Steve, one of the hardest things with this whole sitch, and I'm sure I've mentioned it before, is how she has always realized that her mom's substance abuse and neglect has caused her the majority of her issues. Yet, she is doing the exact same thing right now. I've heard her say many times in the past that one of her biggest fears is ending up like her mother, but here we are. I never really knew about the things from high school because I did not know her then, but she told me about these things after we were married. The red flags were there, but not for me to see them until later. And by that time, I thought it was all in the past. That she had changed. That she had chosen door #2 and learned from her mom's mistakes and wouldn't let that happen. I can't tell you how many times she mentioned hating being from a broken family (her mother and father have both been married 3 times) and that she would never get divorced. As far as the illusion of action, I totally unerstand. I know that she has to want to change. I guess I feel that by doing those things, it will create a spark that will lead her in that direction. For the past few months, we had little contact, and I feel like anything that was there has slowly burnt out and she has forgotten what things were/could be like. And I need to create that spark again to keep her thinking that R could be a viable possibility. Wishful thinking, I know...

Neffer, you are right. Everyhting I've done recently is for the protection of my children and myself. I have no control over the situation and she is on her own in her journey. I've always taken a liking to the lighthouse story, and have tried to be the lighthouse. But sometimes I think I'm not shining any light, hence me feeling like I need to take the actions I mentioned in my previous post. Sending out bursts of light. But then I realize you can't see the light when you have your eyes closed...