Can I really do this #3

[Dtrmned]

Thanks guys.

A total dagger to the heart and still reeling a bit today.

Spoke with W about it later (no one else to speak with about co-parenting and feel we need an open line. I did let her know it hurt quite a bit, but I didn't dwell on that, more on the "I am going to work on repairing the R with my D, but W and I need to make sure we aren't getting pitted against each other.

W took the opportunity to twist the dagger a bit and mention that she doesn't blame D, W just wants to get away from me as well. She then proceeded to ask why I was dragging all of this out anyway. I told her that I emphatically did not want a D, but I was not standing in her way. She asked why I hadn't set a mediation appointment. I responded and said " you gave me some dates and I responded which one's I was available for. After that, I haven't heard anything". She went on for a bit and I just finally said "get out your ipad and let's schedule it now". Her response: "I'm not going to be on your timeline. I need to take my meds and then I'm taking a shower. After that, I will come downstairs and we will set the appointment."

She did her stuff, came downstairs and started preparing her usual Sunday home cooked dinner. This one was took a little while to prepare, so our "discussion" earlier was around 2pm. Now it is 545pm and she just asks if I want some dinner. We eat, and then sit down to watch tv. NO MENTION OF A DATE/TIME WHATSOEVER!

There was definitely more to all of the situation, but I just hit the highlights. Needless to say this is all that I have been thinking about since it all transpired.

I do not know what to do at this point. My W says she is totally checked out and done with me, yet she will not lift a real finger to make it happen. Does this mean she is just trying to solidify Plan A? Does this mean she is just trying anything she can to prod me into blowing up and justifying her decision Or is it that she is just so selfish that she doesn't care who gets hurt along the way?

Not gonna lie, it was a very bad day yesterday and I have no idea how long it will take to repair the relationship with my D. Not so funny, but isn't it interesting how you think things can't get worse, and then your D's words tear what's left of your heart apart.

Still way in my head today so I apologize for any "out there" comments. After all of that, W still came into our room and slept right next to me.

I am so lost in this right now, at this moment I have no idea of how this can be my true reality.