Arsh, you did pretty well. Obviously the finance discussion went poorly.
My advice, say less. Validate (reread that thread), and then listen.
When he starts yelling or swearing do exactly what you did "I will not discuss this with you being irrational" and walk away.
He is angry at his situation, but it is of his own creation! He is more angry at himself than he is at you. Just try to remember that.
I predict that he won't be moving out in a month. WASs are often times all talk and no action. I could be wrong but I think he realizes that his future life is a "fantasy". And that is another reason he is so angry.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Your husband is thinking of himself first and not his daughters first which is so sad. He wants an easy and cheap divorce so he's using intimidation tactics to get you to comply. He's even blaming you for asking to secure your daughter's future! That's so wrong! I feel so sorry for you being subject to this hostile behavior. I don't know. If I were you I'd probably say something like "I can't speak with you about this when you're trying to intimidate me. We can either talk another time when you're calm and rationale or we can go through lawyers." Then walk away...
To me it seems separation is more important right now than divorce. Your husband needs a chance to cool down before he's in any shape to go through with a divorce. Is there any chance you can take your girls away for a two or three weeks? Could request emergency leave from work and take them back to your country to visit your parents? Or on a vacation to the beach? Or stay with a friend? If you could just get away for a while I think you'll see a change in your husband.
Steve, he is the embodiment of confusion. At work he is perfectly normal, nobody can even say there is any thing amiss, the usual intelligent, logical person and at home he has this complete change in personality. I actually reread the Validation thread before speaking to him yesterday but things got out of hand, back to homework. Most importantly I should stop speaking. I have been good at it for most part, but during the finances discussion I struggled
Nicole, when all this started my parents and inlaws suggested I go visit family in my country of origin for a few weeks. They thought distance will help. I suggested this to him and he blew a gasket, started saying sign the D papers and leave, or you cannot go anywhere with the kids. I would love a break more than anything but he wants me to face the music at home.
This morning I apologized for the argument yesterday night I - WAH I am sorry about how it went last night, just got out of hand. I want to be happy, you to be happy and most of kids to be happy and these situations are not useful to anybody WAH - Hmm its OK, just take whatever you want, I just want out.
Was this convo a mistake? On retrospect seems like pursuit, yikes
Update - WAH has set up the second mediation appointment, the last one I broke down and mediator asked us to get some MC. He refused so I went on my own. Now that it is a month he has set up a follow up, just relentless. Again it was like swallowing a thousand needles, the appointment is next friday. he texted me about it I never responded so he made sure to ask in person once he came home. I wish he was like other WAWs here, just threatening and not following through.
V - I've tried reading about abuse multiple times and it's hard to figure out whether someone is officially an abuser, meaning they'll always be one, when they were never that way before over the span of a decade or two and then suddenly they become raging mad and abusive. This is what happened in my case, although with my husband it was just for a few weeks that he was abusive (just with words and tone of voice), and with Arsh it seems the same - she says her husband was never that way before. It seems there are two categories like chronic abusers and situational abusers or something like that. My understanding is when someone has always been an abuser we have no choice but to divorce and get away ASAP. But what about someone who has been kind and gentle and then just flips a switch one day? And then settles down again a while later. It seems to me this is different and while we shouldn't tolerate any kind of abuse, this person is acting out-of-character. What we fail to recognize often here is how great and wonderful many of our spouses were before BD and how happy we were, oftentimes for many years. Anyway your advice for Arsh sounds right and she shouldn't validate or tolerate abuse but I do wonder about the phenomenon of someone changing so drastically and suddenly.
Arsh, so your husband wouldn't let you visit your mom even if you tell him she's sick? OR not even for two weeks? If that's the case and he's preventing you from leaving or making your own choices about seeing your own family then that really does sound like abuse! Maybe he's concerned about finances or you traveling alone with the kids but I'm sure those things can be worked out. I wish you could get away but it sounds like you don't view it as an option. I hope you can get through this stage and soon have more freedom.
Thanks V, yes it is controlled behavior, IC seems to think I am the trigger for his anger, he does not know how to justify his actions and I remind him of all his bad decisions hence the outlet. Either way it is toxic to stay together at this point.
Nicole, I think similar to you, he has been a good person for 15 years, I rather see that than the last 6 months. But he definitely has been an extremely angry individual post BD. I dont want to go away to my parents country now, there was a time but it has passed. and travelling with 2 children for 22 hours is hard. Anyway at that time he did restrict it, if I had insisted I could have gone but things took a different turn instead.
Feeling very low and hopeless today. One of our family friend who I look up to and respect spoke to me today in length about the sitch. WAH had confided in him earlier and this friend had tried to counsel but to no avail. Our friend says that I should give H the D he wants and stop fighting, he says everyone sees it has been over for a while but you not wanting to give in is bringing up the defensive anger in H and making things worse for all of you. Let him separate, go to mediation with an objective to settle so WAH gets what he needs and is out of your life. He can have the children to a certain extent but you need to let him go and have his D. He thinks I being passive towards this is causing more damage, and says if there should have been a change it should have happened by now. He think if WAH comes around it will take a year or more but since D is a pre-requisite for him I should settle through mediation and be done. This seems so final to me, WAH is all upbeat about the upcoming mediation appointment. Everyone who knows the sitch feels I have been fighting a lost cause. I know I am not detached, I cant help but feel such a failure for not being able to save my children their home and their family. It is so hard to continue DBing with mediation right round the corner, there really seems to be no time. I know he has to go thru his own journey and stay separate to realize the truth if he realizes it but the D seems to finalize before he can even live alone for a couple of months.
Im sorry youre going through this, Ive been reading your posts and have been hoping your H would come around but he does seem pretty insistent. Stay strong, I feel your pain for your kids, I so get it.
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
