But I came here to answer the question you asked me on the other thread
The ultimatum was delivered with few words and a lot of action
There was a catalyst and you can read back for details
She was in a PA with OM2 but wanted to keep up appearances that she was doing nothing wrong for her social standing and the kids
But she kept stalling on the divorce leaving me yes paying all the bills and covering up for her for over a year
I could not take this any longer
Do try to be patient for as long as possible
But the after LRT and ultimatum comes in when you just cannot take it any longer
I went from not helping her with the divorce to getting it done
My actions spoke louder than words
I was done with words
Within 30 days we had a divorce settlement that I could live with and I found a new place to live and was about to move out
Only then did she drop OM2 and the divorce
My advice to you is that it seems like you are still talking too much
And your w does not take your words seriously
Taking cars and such I do think is controlling until you have an agreement in place it is all joint property
Only you what you can take and for how long
Do try to be patient for as long as possible
If you cannot take it any more then make it official
Get the lawyers or mediators involved and get it al in black and white
Something you are willing to sign
And she will get a car out of it hers or yours so be realistic
It only works when you are willing to become the walkaway spouse
To do that with a clear conscience
Knowing you tried everything
And gave it your best shot
But that the emotional burden became too great
And are driven by your own self preservation
Hard to explain
But hope that helps
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Okay, going for sushi was a mistake. You should have just had her sign the papers and left. If she was no longer contributing to the joint account I would have just, without telling her, opened a new account and quite contributing to the joint account. I would have taken half of the money so she couldn't later claim that I cleaned the account out.
The SUV is a stickier situation. Since you are both still legally married I would consult a lawyer before doing anything related to the car.
Overall, the sushi/paper signing was not good. You said too much. Remember, words mean nothing. Further, " I expressed to her that she hurt me by crossing the boundary on our anniversary." Big mistake. At this point she doesn't care about your feelings.
One of the experts I started reading about after my BD talked about this. Ws don't care that they hurt us, because they've already determined that they have to hurt us in order to drop their bomb. Telling them we are sad, or hurt, or angry, or upset does nothing. In fact, detachment is the exact opposite of that! Detachments is showing her that her actions have no affect on you.
I am not trying to bash you over the head by telling you this, but sandi already gave you the secret: Let her go. My sitch started to turnaround the minute I started letting go. Not a moment before. There are two states LBHs find themselves. Either they try to control their WAW/WW, or they let her go.
in 99.9999% of the cases a LBH tries to control their WAW/WW they will end up D. While the LBHs that let go only have a 50/50 chance, 50% is much better than 99.9999%. But here is the real magic. In the 50% of the cases where the LBH lets go and still gets a D, they are fine with it! They've moved on. They are mentally and emotionally healthy.
This board is riddled with LBHs that are emotional and mental wrecks because they aren't letting go. And when we don't let go we push our WAWs/WWs out the door even faster. We create what we fear!
You asked sandi "In what ways am I still holding on?" read your last post and start counting the ways. If you need me to enumerate those ways for you I'd be glad to, but you are an intelligent guy and I think you'll see them for yourself.
Last edited by Cadet; 06/25/1812:01 AM. Reason: Start a new thread message
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
