The trip is still on as planned. My son is playing in a national baseball tourny...really good baseball. Hopefully we can make it and have a good time,,at least for the kids.
Really need some guidance. Why is it so hard to do the right thing?
Ive had good days and bad. I feel i have a good grasp of dbusting and nice guy syndrome. I know that i would be a lot better off if i stuck with detachment and GAL.
But the thought of my wife with another man is making me physically ill and causing me to lack discipline and lose patience. I feel very confidant that something is going on.
Just Saturday we were supposed to go to my neighbors kids graduation party. She also had one of her friends kids party as well. Now, for full disclosure, i have taken the necessary steps to figure out whats going on...especially since we have 3 great kids who dont deserve whats about to unfold!
Her friends house is relatively close to where she works and the most of her coworkers live im the area. My wife stayed at the party for 90 mts and left. But i noticed that she stopped at a supermarket right off the main highway stayed there for almost 2 hours.
After about an hour i was thinking of driving down there. But i held off because thats not going to do me any good. Shs left after about 1 hour 50 mts. When she got home i was down the street at a friends. She texted asking if i had the card for grad party. I respomded yes and asked if she was already there? She said thag she was going over soon. Because of i where i knew she was, i was hoping she bought some food. I mentioned that we should bring something, deli platter, etc. She said thag she asked and they said there was plenty. When i got home i learned that she did not purchase anything at the market.
I was so disgusted and sick that i went upstairs and asked her if she had something to tell me? She looked flustered and said what r u talking about. I said about where you went tonight and with whom. She said she went to a friends party and then came home. After some back n forth, i asked you didnt park your car at supermarket? She denied, denied, denied and said she wouldnt move out. I even gave her another chance by suggesting she show me her phone that i would be willing to move out and end all this back n forth bickering. She said why dont you show me your phone, which i then pulled out of my pocket and layed it on the bed.
She said that shes not showing me her phone. I told her that if she hide that it would be a nice gesture to start fresh so we can get rid of animosity. She refused!
When my mother arrived(i realize how pathetic it looks to have my mother involved like that...imasculating even. And im sure her om had a field day with that one) i brought my son across street to neighbors grad party. After a couple hours i came back to grab my son a sweatshirt. My mother asked me to sit down and listen to my wifes concerns.( my mother is really worried/also angry for my wife) My mother didnt want my wife feeling that she was being attacked.
After listening to my wife vent about things that i did 12-20 years ago, i was able to ask her some questions. I asked her who she went to see earlier? She said nobody but did admit she went to sprmrkt. I said what did you go to the spmrkt for? Her answer...to use her phone? Me: to call who? W: no one in particular, just doing,things?
We finished up the discussion by agreeing to get back into councilimg to help us regain some respect for eachother anf to work on our communication. Later the next night we had another conversation. She seemed to lose the sheepish/sad demeanor and acted as if she had her leverage back. She said how it was awkwardbto have my mother there and know everything...and said how my mother had sent some video clip about a couple going thru a divorce. I could tell that she could care less. But then she caught herself and asked that i not say anything to my mother. I told my wife that i never though we would be in such a sitch where things could get this bad. I acknowledged her complaints about earlier in the marriage but asked her to acknowledge my concens, telling her howbi knew about om but that it would make me feel much better if ahe would just tell me the truth. She welled up again and i could see in her eyes that she wanted to tell me the truth but she couldnt. I said, is that how u r going to leave it? She just said, the councilling...implying that she she would be truthful there.
I set up councilling for next week and my wife has a seperate councilling session setup with a therapist as well.
More n morr i feel my wife is in limmerance and shs will stop at nothing when it comes to the om. Sandi2 has been right all along. Passive/aggressive, changes her mood to suit her own agenda.
Sorry for long winded explanation...i just needed to share!
I feel like my wife is lost and i need to find her!
Really sorry you are going through this with your W. Sounds like she may admit to the A in counseling. If so, what is your plan? Just so you know, because she admits to it doesn't mean she is going to stop.
Things are most likely going to have to get worse better.
She is lost, but you cannot find her. She must find herself. You must find yourself.
I know how hard it is to let go, I am having a great deal of difficulty with it myself. But the fact remains that we must learn to let go. I have resorted to a detached, business-like demeanor w/my W. I realized that there is nothing I can do to get through her wall of ice. Nothing I can say, no amount of warmth on my end will mean anything right now.
I am not giving up, and neither should you. But it is good sometimes to make a tactical withdrawal and save your love for your W for later when she is ready for it - if it happens at all. You cannot control her, you cannot reason with her right now. If she is bringing up stuff from that long ago (mine does that, too), then she is harboring deep resentment and probably a significant lack of respect for you (and with the respect, so goes the love). She must work through that on her own and you must work on yourself so that if she ever does come around, you will be able to show her that you have legitimately worked on yourself and made meaningful lasting change for yourself. This is what GAL and 180s really mean. Detachment is for you. It just so happens that it potentially makes you more enticing for your W down the road. But you cannot fix her, you cannot find her and you cannot help her. You do you and deal with the now. Deal with the present and focus on your kids. Let your W go for now - there is literally nothing you can actively do to help the sitch other than working on YOU.
M: 40 W: 37 T: 20 MR: 13 S13, S9, S4 BD: 1/29/18 Sep: 4/23/18 (I moved out) 8/24/18 I come home, she moves out
If you want to get out of the hole, drop the shovel.
Im thinking like you are but unfortuanely our counciling is a week away which a lot of time for people to change her mind. Most people will deny to the bitter end...even with pictures staring them in the face.
I would ask her to leave if she wasnt willing to give up affair. And we would have to start to work on our problems, spending time,together, with our kids, anf,counciling.
But im afraid that shes not going to be ready yet because i really believe this is a limerance sitch, and it hasnt run its course yet. Im also curious to see others opinions on the counciling? Is it counterproductive to do that right now if she is infatuated with this guy? Should i just do 180s and work on myself?
Ill tell you one thing, this is physically and mentally exhausting!!!
may i suggest you read Hoosjim's situation?.. when, just a couple of months ago, he finally stood up to his wife, after months and months of her Waywardness, and told her he would not tolerate her affair... you might find some inner strength if you start there...
Fmly1st, I've been going through this for a few years and I've been physically ill and mentally and physically exhausted as well. It's good you are investigating where your wife is going when she goes out and verifying for yourself that she's having an affair because it will give you the upper hand and help you to decide what you want to do. It may not end her affair if she knows that you know but it will spoil some of the fun. There are so many books and resources out there that say an affair doesn't have to mean the end of a marriage. If you can have some patience and let the affair end on its own then maybe you and your wife can truly fix everything and be even better than before. There are many schools of thought about affairs - some might say they have zero tolerance and good for them for moving on so quickly and easily. If you love your wife though and want to save your marriage then hopefully with patience you'll have that chance. It's great you and your wife still live together and have a counseling appointment (sorry I guess you're not American so I'm spelling it wrong). Maybe your situation will turn around faster than expected. I hope you can let us know how the counseling appointment goes.
We finished up the discussion by agreeing to get back into councilimg to help us regain some respect for eachother anf to work on our communication.
Agreeing to see a counselor to "work on your communication" is WW code. It means she is going to wait for the session and announce that she wants a D. She won't leave the house, and will suggest "in-house separation" until she files for D. However, she'll drag her feet about actually pursuing the D, b/c she has to see if her Plan A is secure.
I wish I could tell H's everywhere that agreeing with a WW (you suspect of having OM) to have counseling in order to work on communication is bunk. The only reason to meet with a WW in counseling sessions is if she is fully committed to saving the MR.....which isn't likely if she has another man in her head.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
