My best friend is widowed. She found twelve step programs when she was in her twenties and in a relationship with a boyfriend who was an alcoholic - Alanon was very helpful for her.
Her husband was in a nursing home with dementia for a few years before he died. During that time she fell prey to a romance with a guy who actually was in a 20 year relationship with a woman. She disentangled herself from that but struggled to give up the fantasy so started attending SLAA meetings for her Love Addict tendencies. She's struggled since then with a crush on an unavailable guy and a brief dating relationship with a guy who wasn't right for her (but still took her a while to get over even though she enddd it).
That's all good - she clearly benefits from SLAA and clearly has some issues around relationships.
The only problem I have is that she keeps bugging me to go with her! I most definitely am NOT a Love Addict. Nor am I codependent in any way. I may have been snowed by crazy ex boyfriend but even in the context of all that craziness, he actually treated ME well. I am in no way pining after him, was just storing his things for him so that he wouldn't lose everything, and currently working on getting to where he can put them in storage without it costing me money. He's a mess but he's still a human being and me having some compassion for him is not the same as codependence.
She went to a conference today and is all excited about the information she got, about how scary online dating is and about making a "dating plan". That's good for her - she needs it. She's the one who has unprotected sex, who has gotten involved with s guy who was as good as married, who has an obsession with semi- famous people and can't just go out with an ordinary guy who actually makes s living and isn't a starving artist!
But I don't NEED her help. I have not had any difficulty finding dates that I can connect with. I'm still good friends with most of my post divorce dates and have few regrets. Even the crazy bipolar ex boyfriend gave me a gift of feeling what it was like to be adored. I'm more comfortable in my own skin than ever and after a year of not dating (except for my friendly visits with Old Love Avoidant Friend ( which I don't count as real dating) I feel ready to date again. She may be afraid of online dating but it's been good to me. And unlike her, I always practice safe sex and I don't let the oxytocin of sex cause me to get attached to someone who turns out to be a mistake (which she does).
I'm not interested and I've told her so but she still keeps pushing. Meanwhile her plan for romance in her life right now is waiting for god to put him in her life. That's fine for her (although it seems like a path to being single the rest of her life, but whatever). I just don't need her telling ME that I need a dating plan and some arbitrary schedule of events in dating. I'm taking my time with CMM but don't actually have regrets about those guys that I HAVE jumped into bed with. Her problems in relationships are not mine. Nor are her fears.
