I'm Broken II

[HelenaJ]

Eventually you may need to separate from your husband to either reconcile or move on because it sounds like this stand-still has been going on for so long and isn't healthy for anyone

It's true that we are very good at stand stills. H has always been one to ignore when he is angry and I used to hate it sooo much. I would pursue him and ask him why he wasn't speaking to me, etc. But we've been together a really long time. I eventually caught on that nothing lasts forever and I just need to out-wait his nonsense and I would carry on and I sort of learned acting "as if" by default. The more I acted as if the more he did too. Something would eventually stop the stand off, usually just time and then conversing about normal stuff and then things would just get back to normal. I feel like our R has been filled with these types of head games-neither of us talks about how we feel, we just act as if we're getting along fine without the other person. I used to talk about how I felt but it's been so long I don't know how anymore and I don't trust how I feel....I look for external validation on whether how I feel is "right" or "wrong" because my feelings are never ever validated within this relationship.

I guess the one who withholds the love and affection is more empowered

Story of my life.

with some effort surely you'll soon make some progress towards focusing on other things

I registered for a ladies only handgun class, I've been wanting to learn how to use my gun. If I find it fun, maybe I can spend some time at the range occasionally.

Perhaps you first need to make peace with yourself and that can be the hardest thing to do.

For sure. I don't know how that will ever happen, especially with H insisting that our problems are all my fault. And while I know that it's not ALL my fault, the breaking of the trust IS all my fault and it just doesn't seem to be repairable. There is no peace to be found.

It seems you're actively thinking, posting here, and working on building up to making changes so you can at least commend yourself for that!

I'm not sure the changes I've made will bring me any closer to reconciliation, but I think I've conveyed the message that I'm done being beaten up over and over and that I've accepted if he wants to live as roommates there is nothing I can do to change it. I'm letting go. Hardest thing ever. It feels like it is my choice sometimes because I know some things would be easier if I would just "cooperate", but I know this is not my choice and I tell myself that on a daily basis.

Update:
H is out of town this weekend with S17 for track and I stayed home with the other 3. Last night we watched Peter Rabbit and had popcorn and snacks and tonight we're going to the men's semi-pro soccer game if it's not storming.
I don't see how much of anything can change. With H pronouncing that he is never going to trust me again and will never give me his heart again, what does "trying" even look like?? How do I "try"? That is a very serious question.

This has not been a hasty decision for him but rather something he's been feeling since the company party 4.5 years ago. Before he told me these things, I WAS trying. I was so frustrated and at times very hopeless because I could sense his feelings but tried to keep hope that it would change in time. We had a fine life on the surface but all the rotten underneath remained until he finally told me his decision (which was almost a relief because he would never admit the real reasons for his behaviors and so I kept thinking I could change it somehow). If I couldn't change things then, when we were still being affectionate and intimate, there is no chance I'm changing them now when I have one foot out the door-what good can come of this under these circumstances? I feel like nothing will be accomplished in this year except that I will get to spend it full time with my kids. Prolonging the inevitable.