Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 2

[Davide]

Thanks arsh.

Journaling -

I just arrived in Chicago after two straight days of 8 hours driving, first from NYC to Pittsburgh and then on to Chicago today in some torrential rain storms.

The end of my trip to New York was a highlight as I met with my former students/runners for the first time in 11 years. 6 of them came out to a brewery in Brooklyn and it was an amazing experience. We all realized that they are now older than I was when I was coaching them (they are 29 and 30). It was just such a joyous experience to reconnect with them. It was easily the happiest I have been over the past 10 weeks. Its not that I forgot about my situation, in fact I talked about it with them, but it was just so good to see them, and to feel surrounded by so much love. I am trying to actually practice gratitude on a daily basis, and I was/am so immensely grateful to them for putting together that experience and sharing some desperately needed love with me. I held it together for the vast majority of the night until the very end when I was saying goodbyes and couldnt help but cry. I continued to weep as I rode my bike home along the deserted streets of Brooklyn, but it was not from sadness so much as gratitude and happiness. For me it was an unbelievably powerful experience given my emotional state.

My drives have been relatively uneventful as I have kept busy by listening to books on tape, podcasts, and music. Last night I spent the night with a college friend who I hadnt seen in 15 years and her husband and two kids. It was a bit awkward because we have not been that close, but it was still nice to reconnect and be surrounded by a family (and two dogs! I need dog therapy!)

On the final part of the drive into Chicago, as I sped through torrential rain in Indiana I finally had a meltdown. This time, I tried to follow your advice and lean into it. I actually put on a song that W and I both adored and sang along to it as I sobbed. I tried to let the sadness and anguish and loneliness and resentment and longing wash over me, to run its course. I dont know if I feel better now, but I feel like I exhausted those emotions for the time being.

On the way into Pittsburgh I stopped at a supermarket to pick up some things and my credit card inexplicably got denied. That prompted the first communication I have heard from W since I left, as she forwarded on an alert from the bank asking if it was a fraudulent attempt to use the card. There was no message from her, just the bank message. That definitely stung a bit.

I have been slacking a bit with my journaling and CBT work over the past two days, as it has been hard with all the travel and meeting so many people. I thought that I was making progress in my detachment, but the sting that Ws text engendered, and the anguish I felt in the car today seem to indicate that I have a ways to go. I really want to try to enjoy Chicago on its own terms and not dwell on my situation, but it is hard, especially on my own. I have never enjoyed travelling on my own all that much (though I have done much of it) and it nearly always reminds me of how much I enjoyed traveling with W. Nearly all of the flashbacks I have are moments of us traveling somewhere. I constantly need to remind myself to be mindful and live in the here and now and not in the past. I have not done as much yoga as I would have liked recently so that probably hurts as well.

After speaking with my brother-in-law, I am taking some natural medicine both for my stomach and my anxiety - a mixture of bitters with CBD, which is one of the ingredients in marijuana that promotes calm without the mind-altering changes of THC. I cant really tell yet if it is effective. Sitting in the car all day and munching on trail mix has not been good for my stomach for sure!