Originally Posted By: Wyoung
I think I have been following my instincts too much on this matter rather than my rational part.


DB'ing is counter-intuitive. In a HEALTHY relationship when something goes wrong then the "fix" is to apologize, buy flowers, go out on a date, etc. In other words, pursue. So after we get BD'd we naturally fall back to what we know, which is pursuit behavior. Then when that doesn't work, we double down on the pursuit thinking we're just not doing enough of it. But all that pressure and pursuit just keeps driving them farther and farther away. DB'ing is the OPPOSITE of pursuit. When you quit applying pressure then the WAS no longer has to run. The idea right now isn't to get her back, it's to give her time and space so she doesn't feel like she has to run. With time hopefully she'll want to come back, but that's down the road.

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IC suggests to earn W back by love. IC's point is that W's love tank has been empty, thus I should try my best to fill it. Not sure if this conflicts with the general DB approach here.


Have you read the 5 Love Languages? If not then please do. The "love tank" concept actually comes from that book. There are ways to fill your W's love tank without it being pursuit, for example if her LL is "Words of Affirmation" then you can start working compliments into your daily conversations. Just as an example that may or may not apply, maybe she is helping S with his homework, you might say "thank you for helping him with that, you are a really caring mother and I respect that." An example of WoA that IS pursuit might be something like "wow you sure look sexy in that dress!" See the difference?

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She said we should've not gotten the child (because we are not good enough). This is her general attitude, passive and self blame. The new thing is she starts blaming now as well. I responded saying that the statement she made was not fair to our S, to me, and especially to herself, that she has been a wonderful mom (she truly was).


That is not the proper response. Did you read Cadet's links to the "validation" threads? Go back and read up on validation. She is expressing FEELINGS and her FEELINGS are hers, they are NOT wrong. So when you tell her "no, you're a wonderful mom" (which is fine as WoA in the above context, but not in the context of her sharing her feelings) you are inadvertently DISAGREEING with her feelings, you are telling her she's WRONG. Instead, you should seek to UNDERSTAND her feelings and offer empathy. "It sounds like you are upset about this, is that how you feel?" "Yes, it is depressing." "I am sorry you are feeling depressed, is there anything I can do to help?" The difference is you are not agreeing/ disagreeing/ negotiating/ explaining/ reasoning. You are simply acknowledging. That's what validation is.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57